one wish

there's a song out right now called "one wish," and i think it encompasses everything that has been on my mind these past few weeks sans entries. "if i had one wish, we'd be best friends. love would never ever end, it would just begin. if i had one wish, you would be my boo. promise to love you. trust me, ill trust you. if i had one wish, we would wanna play, make love all day. have us a baby. if i had one wish, i'd make you my whole life, i'd make you my wife, make it right this time. if i had one wish."

this entry is sparked by dale (who i must say rocks), when he left me an instant message this morning saying: if he could only spend the rest of his life with one person, it would either be me or his best friend. i was flattered, and i still am. if i could only see one person for the rest of my life, who would it be?

yesterday, i was driving to work and as i rushed off the interstate and got stuck at the traffic light, i noticed the homeless man on the side of the road, directly to my left. he had torn shoes, ripped khakis, a faded polo and scruffy hair. the bookbag sat in the grass beside him and the infamous sign was perched at his waist. "need money, God bless." . . . if he had one wish, what would it be?

today, as i fulfilled my weekly role of soccer mom, taking tanner and his friend brian to soccer practice, my friend called me to chat about her day. in the process of talking to her, i was batting away tanner's hand from turning up the radio and calling out spelling words to riley in the backseat. "you are going to be such a mom," my friend said. "you think so?" i asked - kinda intrigued, kinda already knowing the answer. "linds, you are driving to soccer - you're probably late, and you are calling out spelling words on the way. you're going to be a great mom." if i had to design my life plan, what would it look like?

tonight, i came home to an empty apartment, grilled a smoked turkey hotdog and within five minutes was ready to watch some televsion. without hesitation, i plopped down on the couch and pushed my dvr on my taped programs. and like a broken record, i watched sex and the city, edited versions. samantha was showing off her new apartment in downtown manhattan - and while she sipped on wine with her three best friends, she said, "i have it all." i sat alone, sweet tea filled my glass, and i had no idea where any of my friends were. if i could have it all, what would "all" be?

now, i'm not your super romantic, and most of you probably know this by now - but i cannot help to wonder sometimes what my one wish would be, who my one person would be, what i would do with my life or even what classifies as having it all. within these two weeks, i have turned twenty one, rediscovered my social life, purchased new goldfish, bought an entire fall collection and to any sane person's opinion, neglected the opportunity to begin a relationship with an amazing guy.

it seems for the longest time, i have been trying to figure out my life: wanting so desperately to discover real friends, real love, real life, real faith. i wanted everything, at the cost of nothing. that road didn't get me much farther than a toliet-side funeral for five shiny goldfish, a date night with dvr, and watching the backside of one too many guys giving up and walking away. i wasn't sure which way to go, who to believe or even if the fault was mine. i called girlfriends, i cried - i pleaded with myself to change habits, figure out life and start afresh. but, still i sit here wondering why if everything is sitting right here in front of me, i can't accept it. why is it that when we are presented with so many things to make our lives better, we immediately run in the opposite direction? why don't we just allow ourselves to have it all, when all is sitting on our doorstep?

if i had one wish, i would do so many things. i would stand in the middle of a room full of insects and not freak out. i would go to the doctor and get shot without crying still. i would apply to law school in a mere attempt to strive at something out of the ordinary for a journalist. i would write a book today and sell it tomorrow. i would let myself fall in love.

for the longest time, my heart has battled with my mind about relationships. was i ready to get in one, were my feelings for some other guys diminished, could i handle exclusiveness? i wasn't, they weren't and i couldn't. but the one thing i could do was admit that to myself and to anyone on the potential roster. for a girl, no matter how hard we try to fall in love, if we aren't ready, there is not one thing in this world that can make us change our minds. roses, dinners, cards, servantitude, compliments - as wonderful and beautiful as all of them are, they fall short of the only person that stands in our way. ourselves.

i have discovered in these past two weeks, that the only person that we allow to effect our lives, is indeed our very selves. we find influence, direction, guidance from friends, family members and complete strangers. we take judgment, we give judgment. we accept compliments, and we use our girlfriends as decoys to know whether he even has a second chance with us. we decipher signs, we signal our own. but if the approval doesn't ultimately come from ourselves, then it will never work. and that's what i've realized. i can have the most amazing, handsome and faith-filled man in my life, but if my heart doesn't agree with my head, then it will never be. and the scariest thing of all - i never thought that the one person i had to convince . . . would be myself.

i'm twenty one now, one year older and not much more mature. i have a new goldfish - much smaller, but still an experimentation. i have an excellent core of friends, both near and far. i have a family that waits on the porch for me everytime i am expected. and in that moment, i again seem to have it all.

i'm not sure if i have much advice, i'm not sure if i even have begun to make sense tonight. but, what i do know is this - if you have one wish, have a thousand. don't stop at just making one thing in your life happen, but make your life happen. find something that you love, someone who loves you, someone you can put all your interest in. don't rush into anything you are not comfortable with, because it's better to be sure of everything than to regret anything. don't judge anyone for the decisions he/she may make, because know that he/she is already fighting the hardest war of them all - one between hearts and minds. don't ever look down on anyone, and take pride in the decisions in your life that have made you be the person you are today. listen to a song on repeat (mine of course, is "one wish") and let your heart and your head battle it out - and for your own sake, don't let the two of these get in the way of potential happiness.

because what if we really do only get one wish?

. . . in that case, you better make it worthwhile.

you mean i have to wait two more weeks?

i woke up this morning not feeling my normal self. and whereas any normal human being would have taken that as a sure shot not to have a great day, i went on due process. and it proved to be not a moment extraordinary. my three favorite teams have lost all of their opening games. for the second time in a week i have had car trouble in the same parking lot. the first time, my friend called me the very next day to say that i had jinxed him - he, too, had car trouble. today, this guy at my work told me that i had jinxed him - his teams also lost yesterday in their openers. after walking to my car in my brand-new and freshly scrapped nine west's, i felt the blisters forming on the heels of my feet. "if i can just get to my car," i thought.

well, that would have been nice had my car started.

so, again i sat in the wretched parking deck wondering how on earth i was supposed to deal with another episode of unexplanable car trouble. i called the house, no answer. i called mom and in the process my car cranked. fabulous. now i look like an idiot for claming i had car trouble. but, i decided to tell her anyway. (cue mistake number one. don't deal with things when you know you are going to be ill.) mom was of course happy and the very first words out of her mouth were - "HEY! we're hanging out with lauren right now."

now, did i really need to know that fact at that very moment?
of course not, and had it not been my mother... i would have slammed the phone down that very minute.

but instead, i talk to mom on the phone and tell her what would seem to any normal human being to be bad news. "oh, well i guess do what you can," she says.

do what i can?
was she really serious? and how was i supposed to do that? i sure as all wasn't about to risk either the lives of my feet, or my shoes in the upcoming week transporting myself sans my "faithful" explorer.

so dad gets the phone and without fail it's the obvious statement - "well, see what you can do this week. when we come up there this weekend, we'll just have to switch cars and i'll have to take yours home and get it looked at."

(again, i longed to slam the phone.)
see, my parents version of fixing everything is just that, fixing it. there is no "new version" in my family - for if you have it once, why do you need to get the bigger and better version? heaven forbid should we even believe in the advancement of technology and education.

computer - stone ages. still.
cars - wouldn't even consider buying a new one. let's just fix this one.

now, fine - if you wanna call that pratical thinking, let's think about this. is it really practical to spend $60 on getting a car home just to get it looked at when the triangle has the very same shops capable of looking at my outdated mode of transportation?

ah - there's the rub.
it is when there is a trading of carpentry work and fresh vegetables involved.

i made it home, clearly. and i'm not sure how, but it was after miraculously getting my car to start... and of course, slamming my phone.

moral of the story: i think i'm jinxed.

i need a martini.

back home

it never fails, when you go to write a paper that actually will hold a letter grade, you start writing something without one. for some reason, my mind has failed to operate before a deadline. if it's not crunch time, i'm not going to get it done. i'm sitting here this morning attempting to write a sports feature story. granted, i am waiting on two out of my three sources to write me back, but with the two page response i've got from one should allow me to get somewhere without problem. come on, four years of yearbook has at least taught me how to write sans help from anyone outside of that world. yet, like usual, i sit here experiencing writer's block for the grade, and writing potential for the potentially bored readers of the web.

i really don't have a funny story today, nothing really exciting going on. but my hope is after procrastinating in hopes to entertain my lovely subscribers, i can find the rhetoric to perfect my column. (unfortunately kswan, there must be more in my world than just my carrie column.) but what i do have to leave you with today is a song. yeh, i know- you are all probably thinking, "what, linds can sing!"

(oh, don't act so suprised.)

but, now that i've given you all this wonderful set-up for a new song i've written, i'm going to have to deflate you all. it's not my song (because i don't write songs- ha), but it is one of my favorite artists. it's by the talented brian mcknight, called "home." (if you have the downloading capabilites, i recommend.)

here's some of the words:
"thinking back when we first met, i remember what you said. you said you'd never leave me. i let go of your hand, built my castle in the sand. but i'm reaching out my hand again, and i'm not letting go 'til you...
hold me, mold me.
so why don't you shape me, make me, wash me whiter than the snow.
i gotta find my way, back home."

in listening to this this morning (and do note, i would love to leave you all the words, but i know you will x the box), i started thinking about some things i've moved away from. i was reading anna's blog the other day, and she wrote about changes. i definitely think it's true, and most of us would agree that we undergo changes all the time. sometimes with our knowing (hair, makeup, even yes anna, clothes), but then there are other times we go through ones without our knowing. friends DO come and go, you stop worrying about things that used to drive you crazy, maybe you forget to cry or can't remember how to stop.

i'm sitting here this morning on another sunday that i didn't go to church, thinking what is it going to take for me to find my way back home? because while i may truly enjoy the person that i've become today, sometimes (on days like this) i can't help to wonder what happened to the baby girl who loved to be held, the little girl who wasn't afraid to say "hi" to a stranger, the teenager that always had a friend or five around her. now, i'm days away from turning twenty-one, sitting here in an apartment all of my own, looking out on this beautiful rememberance of a day, wondering where those inner pieces of me have flown away to. i know i'm just a girl, but sometimes i wish i had that spirit back where the comfort of another's arms, a conversation with a complete stranger, and the endless company of friends thrived amongst my growing up.

"i'm not going to rest until you choose me, use me. sometimes i feel so all alone. see i'm on my way back home. so why don't you, direct me, bless me, wash me whiter than the snow.... i'm on my way... back home."

a girl's hustle & flow

so i have no idea why, but all day today ive been singing the song from "hustle and flow."

"you know its hard out here for a pimp..."

now, if you so choose- picture little, tanless white me in my silver stilletos with big curly black hair singing lyrics such as these. yeah, sometimes images aren't everything i know.

point is, it got me thinking.
sure, i guess if you wanna compare it to the real world of pimping (not the one i wrote about in my collegiate essay of players v. whores last term), then i can imagine it would be hard. -at least the movie made it look like a lifestyle i'm not aspiring to live. thing is, it might be hard out there for a pimp- but i recently have found its hard out here for a girl.

just now, im sitting at my computer desk with olay body quench lotion, cucumber melon nail polish remover, speed dry avon nail polish, a purple alligator (yes, because somewhere they MUST exist) nail kit, naturals peach lotion, and four (yes count them, one, two, three, four) different flavors of chapstick. for heaven's sake, this is just my computer desk.

i couldn't even begin to describe the products that remain in my purses, bags, drawers, cabinets, shower, counters and everywhere else for that matter. it seems everywhere you turn, i can fully represent another aisle of wal-mart. and i'll be honest- i am a sucker for a coupon, a "40% more free" label or a "NEW" item. why on earth if i know one product works just fine am i willing to waste money on the hope another one does justice?

yet, i do.
come on women, nod your head too.

and so yesterday, i was talking to mom on the phone when i got in my car to go home from school. turn the key, the car starts. the car turns off.

repeat.
repeat.
repeat.

great- trying to get me to diagnose a car problem is liking asking a boy what color eyes i have. so, of course- i perform my sound effects, all complete with the technical terminology of "this knob, that shape" in a mere effortless attempt to get home - because unlike miss simpson says, these boots weren't made for walking. thankfully, the good Lord above realized he allowed car trouble (that didn't include more gas or more oil) to happen to a girl.

it started.

yet, when talking to dad- he seemed to think he was explaining how to fix my car to his imaginary son. for a minute, i hung with him taking the phone off my ear to shine down into my engine. i couldn't see and the thought of wasting five bucks on a flashlight is worse than skipping dinner for a new necklace. upon doing this, i eventually realized i had forgotten to tell dad to hold on. ergo, i heard none of my technical instructions.

today, i unlock my apartment to realize it won't open. i had unlocked the door- i knew i wasn't that stupid. but i couldn't for the life of me get it open. finally, i forced all my weight onto the door and magically it sprang open, throwing me and my belongings across the room. after regaining composure, i noticed the vinyl floor was scratched up- and in the kitchen the same thing.

the only thing that kept me from breaking into fury was the sight of a beautiful new dishwasher after a week of "rolling up my sleeves" as kayne says. of course, before it broke i had called one of my friends to try to get help on how to fix it. after he too, told me one too many technical terms i was like "whatever. maintenance can fix it."

then tonight, two young boys show up at my doorstep with a school fundraiser. "please help us earn money so we can go to the party," they said sad faces perfected. of course, i promised myself a long time ago i would never turn down a kid's fundraiser because one too many times did people turn down mine.

glamour, meet your latest subscriber.

so, i was thinking after i had written this things would be ok- and i wouldn’t be as whinny as i had made my journal entry sound. (this is a different day now because i got lazy -aka writer's block- last night and didn't finish) today, i woke up after my usual thirty minutes of snooze time to a rather uncomfortable room temperature. i didn't really think much about it and went on to get ready now just shy of being late. i started straightening my hair, and after almost breaking out in work-out sweat- i figured out something was going on. there was no way my little glorified iron was making me this hot this early in the morning.

i went to check my thermostat, and sure enough- the temperature had risen from my preferred 68 degrees to a near 77. hmmm... the too far and few buttons on my out-dated piece of technology didn't seem to offer much insight to the situation. hence, my doing what any normal girl would do- i slung the bar all the way down to the 60 mark... and walked out the door.

brrr.
it was quite nippy out.

at work, i decided to shoot my maintenance staff yet another email. (i figured they would either love or hate me - and upon offering them sweet tea every time they visit, i’m hoping to swing their vote.) work was carelessly boring and when the staff one by one sneaked out for lunch, i quickly decided to do the same thing.

it is friday.
i’m not paid.
ring the bell for early dismissal.

long story short (you're thinking- that would have been nice 5,000 words ago), i come home after taking the afternoon of work off in order to go fall shopping (again) to an apartment of 90 degrees. people- this is NOT an exaggeration. immediately i was in a sauna, and sweat filled my face. every light in the house was on to add to the problem causing me to quickly strip down all the while praying to the good Lord someone more qualified than myself was present and taking care of the problem.

he is here, but ive been home for over one hour now...
...the heat's still on.

you know its hard out here for a pimp.

for better or worse

immediately after getting flustered with one of my friends just the other day, i called my go-to girl for some on the spot pick-me-up advice. maybe just a laugh. maybe a "he'll eventually get over himself and call you back." maybe a "grow-up and get over it." something. and without fail, she came through. (hence the reason she's my go-to girl.) it's quotable advice, and therefore the reasoning behind this entry:

"he's a friend- and for better or worse. ...he was just showing a little worse tonight."

that's it. it's like she had solved the world's biggest puzzle. why is it that when we meet someone we expect them to be perfect on all regards? appearance, personality, rhetoric, hygiene, past, present and future. we find one flaw, one imperfection and we are second-guessing our entire exsistence within the relationship. problem is, it doesn't work that way. we all have our bad hair days, short tempers, and all too familiar lingering pasts.

friday, as the younger member of my work's staff was leaving for lunch- he stopped by my "office" (fancy name for desk area) to give me his phone number. "call me today. we'll do something tonight," he said. all of which left me puzzled wondering what in the world i had said that suggested my singleness of a life, or my interest for that matter? but he was forward and it was in a sense, his imperfection. and although i never called him that day, it was the sweetest thing.

the only thing i thought that day on the way home was "what was he thinking? you can't date your intern!"

sunday, i sat in church service beside my gq of a friend during a sermon of compassion amongst racism. of course, it was a direct effect of hurricane katrina, but for some reason every word punctured my soul like i had never known possible. i'll be the first to admit- for the past week, my only friend has been cnn. i have been plastered to the television like a bug on a windshield. and it wasn't until friday afternoon, i realized the depression that had set in my life. in this one week, i had secluded myself from my friends, my work, my family, my world. i wanted to help those i never knew, yet i never knew how. i wept that entire service- imperfections or not, these were and are people that need help. and now.

for better or worse, it's not just for marriage anymore.