duck in a puddle

sometimes, i fall into these pits. pits that make it hard to function; that make me want to scream; make me wonder why i am in the place i am. i'm only 23, i don't have a lot of money and sometimes, making it from day-to-day is tough. (perhaps, my shoe closet is to blame for that.)

either way, sometimes it's really annoying when i feel like there are issues coming at every angle. this week has been one of those pits. i have felt swallowed by finances, outrageous gas prices and a lease ending too soon. with an ideal house lined up, i found myself getting cold feet, not wanting to marry a house, in an area i felt i would tire of and with a market as flopsy as a dog's ears.

i didn't think it was possible to have commitment-phobia toward a house. but then again, i get tired of my bed being in the same place after a few months. so running from the altar, i let it go. the thought of leasing-to-own or owning in general scared the hell out of me and i decided that a renter's home is a comforted heart. but, with one mental misery out of the way, i was still faced with the obstacle of finding a place to live in a short period.

again, problem merely solved when i fell in love with a great place and signed a lease in the same day. problem created when the realization hit me that i had to have double rent because i would be renting from two places at the same time.

sinking faller into the pit.

bummer not only because i had increased my financial stress for the month, but now i would have to debate the fabulous pair of shoes i planned to don at jenna's wedding. (i mean, come on, i haven't seen some of these people in years! a girl's gotta have her shoes!)

so on the way home to my first home tonight, i started thinking "why do you jump into things before you are financially stable? why not wait and save your money? why not be more frugal? what are you going to do for two month's rent?"

now deeper and deeper into my mental pit.

i started to scare myself and wonder if i would ever make it. on one end, i am a magazine editor, live a fabulous life with fabulous loves, family and friends (and shoes). but on the other end, i am constantly exhausting myself out with the possibility of what can be, might be or should be.

and then, pulling into bloom, i got my answer. or better yet, a revelation.

there in a mud puddle about the size of a kitchen sink, close to a busy highway, i saw baby canadian geese swimming. they're was barely room for them, and yet they paddled around the water as if they were in the biggest of lakes. they weren't aware of the rushing traffic. they didn't care the water was dirty. they didn't even seem to mind it wasn't a lake. yet, they found comfort in the water and security in knowing that just feet away momma and daddy geese sat perched, watching every car and making sure every baby was accounted for.

and that's when i realized - i might not have it all. i might not be in the big pond, swimming in crystal blue water. but i am in the middle of what i have and though there are obstacles and dangers all around, someone is watching over me. i don't know that i was looking for a spiritual revelation today as much as i was hoping a thousand dollars would fall from the sky, but i'm glad to see that the former happened.

and just maybe i learned a little lesson from a duck in a puddle.