my first semester at nc state, i foolishly enrolled in seventeen hours. for some unknown reason, no one ever warned me that i would have seven more semesters to play around with scheduling ... i didn't HAVE to get all those classes in the FIRST semester. i vividly remember walking all over campus with fifteen minutes in between each lecture. from one end of the campus to the other end -- from hillsbourough street to western blvd -- my high-heeled, dressed-to-the-t self (this was freshman year, remember) walked everywhere. map and schedule always in hand of course.
but it wasn't so bad. in this one experimental year, i learned what type of clouds cause thunderstorms (weather and climate), the choreography of a bee's dance (bees and beekeeping) ... and even the street addresss where my chancellor resided (first year college seminar). but somehow, amid all these bs classes, i had homework. granted, even though i was taking pre-calculus for the third year in a row (thanks for re-naming it a thousand times, morons!), i was worn out come may.
now, it's post-january and i'm still worn out. seven semesters have long come and gone, and my list of random classes has grown extensively. the inevitable job searching process has begun and with only thirteen more weeks to go -- classes just seem to be "getting in my way." what the average senior would call senioritis -- i can only consider freshmen - repeat.
cue renaissance to waterloo.
cue principles of sociology.
cue insects and people.
all three for freshmen.
all three from the bottom of the catalog todem-pole.
all three with my name on the roster.
while i may have been foolish in the beginning to enroll in seventeen hours, i unintentionally became a genius at the end. luckily for me, i had three general education classes left to take -- and in order to get the "most out of my education," i happily enrolled in these.
history starts off my day, and by about the 100th time my teacher says "well, i can't exactly say because i wasn't alive then..." i begin to tune him out. really profesor? you mean to tell me you weren't alive during the 12th century? then why on earth did i sign-up for this class!
false advertisement.
out came sodoku. (for those of you who haven't caught on to this phenomenon, it's a japanese number game that doesn't require ANY math. just patience and skill. numbers and no math -- i'm so there!)
next, it's back to my world of the three famous halls -- cadwell, tompkins and winston. my home away from home -- where i have spent my past three and a half years, "learning." this time around, it's for sociology, aka -- the most comon sense stuff you'll ever be tested on ... in ... your ... life.
i'm twenty-one years old, and today my teacher threatened our collegiate class with a pop quiz because no one would give her the definition of culture.
are you kidding me?
(as for me, i don't speak in classes)
bring on the pop quiz teach!
sodoku, take two.
finally, it's time for insects and people -- the last class of the day, and the weirdest by far. today, after my professor led a demonstration on moths (explaining their tongues or something weird), he told us that this particular moth had not learned how to fly yet, or at least not very well.
the moth was perched on his finger and she just kept flapping her wings up and down. nearly seconds later, she miraculously learned how to fly and took off around the classroom full of 140 students. up and down the stadium seating she buzzed for the next five minutes. girls were screaming, boys were flapping their baseball caps in the air trying to be heros and save the day and others were taking cover under notebooks, jackets and bags.
all the while my professor laughed.
i have to admit, while i wasn't screaming, i sure wasn't excited that my pro. was enjoying this display of moth vs. human either. and even though the moth was causing a stir in a classroom full of "intellectual young adults," my professor attempted to continue lecturing.
sorry man, but if a moth is coming toward my head full force, i don't care how many legs a hissing cockroach has.
(by the way, he passed those around too.)
sodoku (with a slight fear that roaches and moths were going to crawl and land on me) ... take three.
sometimes, we make great decisions. we attend the weird lectures, participate in the crazy demonstrations and take the multiple choice tests. but in the end, it's all for an easy A. however, during this freshmen-repeat, i'm quickly learning this: other times, we make crazy decisions. we sign up for classes thinking they'll be a breeze (and while they still may be) ... they scare us half-to death.
but hey -- at least now before i kill your roach, i'll identify it.
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Monday, January 23, 2006
when it all goes incredibly wrong
six days ago, i began what i had hoped to be another fabulous internship.
thirty minutes ago, i officially quit.
if there's one thing i've learned in life it's this ... things aren't always what they seem to be. my expectations for working at a classy, up-beat and fashion-centered magazine this spring were simple. i wanted exposure, i craved technique. instead, on the very first day i became the voicemail system and the official hands between the postman and the mail. call it an unpaid experience all you want, i call it a trap.
my thoughts on an internship are basic. students want to gain experience in their field to better equip themselves for the real world. if we didn't, we would simply take bees and beekeeping or underwater basketweaving instead. if my vision of real world is at all muddy when i imagine actually getting paid for secretarioral services, then i pray for the first person who interviews me come springtime. all too often, employers take advantage of students who are looking for something to do, but all too often do they forget our academic capability tied tightly with street smarts.
forgive me for actually wanting to do something of greater self-worth than licking 100 envelopes and alphabetizing your ad index, but some of us are just dedicated. we accept challenges, thrive on deadlines and work best under pressure.
i had a friend tell me once, "it's not that you work better when you procrastinate, you just have never not procrastinated." for a minute, i thought this person was the next einstein, how brillant of a revelation. but as i was sitting at my desk last week at this God-forsaken office, i glanced up at the clock to realize only 30 minutes of my makeshift hell had elapsed.
and everything i needed to do was complete.
procrastination bypassed.
boredom surpassed.
ok, so maybe he wasn't the next einstein...
but i wasn't about to be the next free-secretary either.
anyone need an intern?
thirty minutes ago, i officially quit.
if there's one thing i've learned in life it's this ... things aren't always what they seem to be. my expectations for working at a classy, up-beat and fashion-centered magazine this spring were simple. i wanted exposure, i craved technique. instead, on the very first day i became the voicemail system and the official hands between the postman and the mail. call it an unpaid experience all you want, i call it a trap.
my thoughts on an internship are basic. students want to gain experience in their field to better equip themselves for the real world. if we didn't, we would simply take bees and beekeeping or underwater basketweaving instead. if my vision of real world is at all muddy when i imagine actually getting paid for secretarioral services, then i pray for the first person who interviews me come springtime. all too often, employers take advantage of students who are looking for something to do, but all too often do they forget our academic capability tied tightly with street smarts.
forgive me for actually wanting to do something of greater self-worth than licking 100 envelopes and alphabetizing your ad index, but some of us are just dedicated. we accept challenges, thrive on deadlines and work best under pressure.
i had a friend tell me once, "it's not that you work better when you procrastinate, you just have never not procrastinated." for a minute, i thought this person was the next einstein, how brillant of a revelation. but as i was sitting at my desk last week at this God-forsaken office, i glanced up at the clock to realize only 30 minutes of my makeshift hell had elapsed.
and everything i needed to do was complete.
procrastination bypassed.
boredom surpassed.
ok, so maybe he wasn't the next einstein...
but i wasn't about to be the next free-secretary either.
anyone need an intern?
Thursday, January 12, 2006
who am i?
there's a sensitive subject that the entire united states population can relate to and yet no one is seemingly comfortable with. i haven't tackled it thus far in my writings because it's something that i am personally bothered by more and more each day. what i am referring to is racism, a subject than when these six letters drop, immediately the gloves go up and nostrils flare. but, do we really understand the subject or are we constantly defending something many of us strongly claim isn't even an issue?
in the light of the movie crash, a movie i cannot praise with words but will forever wish for audiences to view ... my life seems to have taken its own crash. forgive me for being blunt today, forgive me for getting ready to bare a subject matter that i have seemingly concealed for quite sometime. my hope is after reading today's writing, that you will either reconsider some of your views or support me on mine. perchance you can't level with me, no hard feelings if i never hear from you again.
for as long as i can remember, literally, i was the little girl who wasn't afraid to play with or associate with people of different races than myself. obviously, being white and growing up in the early 80s, i wasn't faced with the segregation issues of my grandparents or parents, but that doesn't mean i didn't face them in some respect throughout my childhood. though my life wasn't the extravagance of a civil rights section in a history book, i grew up in the middle of a highly prejudice extended family. i was taught from my parents that all people were to be loved, but my extended family demonstrated differently. yet, race to me always just seemed to be another box you check, like the infamous "single" one. when i was younger, my black friends were simply that - friends. we hung out, we went out ... we danced to music, we shopped together. nothing was ever seemingly different, nothing ever needed explanation.
unfortunately, everything changes sooner or later.
as i put away childish things, i picked up on worldy ideals. i learned that racism was a heavy issue in a country that likes to classify themselves as "the melting pot," a place for all peoples. i quickly saw first hand how a small unborn bi-racial baby could be the ultimate division of a strong family foundation. and while pop culture and celebrities started to embrace the notion of inter-racial couples and equality amongst racial divisions, the average person still pounded his/her beliefs with a closed mind. today, as many of you know but all too many of you don't, i have been spending ample time with a guy who is black. i like to refer to him as "tall, dark and handsome" which he encompasses all three so well. he's gonna either kill me or love me when he reads this, but it's time i get it off my mind. to be completely, whole-heartedly honest with all of you, i never in a million years forsaw the relationship that i have in my life now. i never planned to be the one trying to make an inter-racial relationship work, i never dreamed of being the girl always defending her life. perhaps that's a big part of the reason many of you don't know about this relationship - because deep-down, people always wanted acceptance, yet fear rejection.
it was true when i first found interest in guys long ago and later learned that the "you're just too good for me" excuse was nothing but a self-defense mechanism for a fear of rejection. today, i hope that those very boys who are using those lines will take the leap of faith in hope that it may just work out. even still, it's a hard battle and it's constant. to find acceptance in a world that is so over-populated with fabulous and great people, it's hard to be the one who sticks out like a sore thumb. trust me, a white girl seen with a black guy - no matter how fashionable, beautiful, wonderful they may be - is still a sore thumb. and because of this, i have debated giving up on quite possibly what is the best thing to ever happen to me. all because the issue of racism is too strong, the fear of rejection is evident and the need for acceptance is thriving.
does racism still exist? absolutely. try watching crash with someone of a different race - it will make you want to either hug him/her or run for the nearest exit after the first ten minutes. will racism ever be erased? i doubt it. the history books recorded it - people will continue to pass it down, impending their beliefs on others forever. but can we live in a racist world and still get along? absolutely. at least that's what i'm finally learning.
perhaps, this is the reason hitch, love actually and save the last dance have always been top of my movie list ... because i feel i can relate to the couples there. but, only in save the last dance is there ever the racial issue - for hitch and love actually, it was just love. my hope is that one day, bi-racial, inter-racial, whatever love will be considered that, just love. we watch remember the titans and think "man, i hate this race stuff," but then we are first to judge when something in our personal life just isn't right. trust me, i've experienced the looks, i've heard the comments, i've defended my decisions. but, i'm tired of doing all of that.
this morning, i watched dr. phil which was ironically about inter-racial issues. there was a white new mother on the show who was married to a black man. all during their dating, marriage and pregnancy, the girl's father would have nothing to do with them because of the race card. but somehow (by the grace of God i'd like to think), the father went to the birth of his granddaughter. when she was born he said, "i don't know what my problem was before, she is the most beautiful little girl i have ever laid my eyes upon." even for my very own mom, getting used to the black/white idea was challenging. while not racist herself, she wasn't sure how popular the idea was. now, everyday it seems i get another phone call or message saying "did you know that so and so is married to a black guy?" or something of the like. and as annoying as it may seem, i love her for it. because mom too, is not only aware of the issue but experiencing the change of heart.
many of you may not agree, many of you may not relate - but the truth is, i have to write about it because i'm living it. and while i didn't plan it, i never plan anything in my life well. a great, great friend told me when i first broke the news to her, "you know what linds, NOTHING in your life has ever been easy. why should this?" i don't know where this relationship will go with this particular guy, but i do know that he is the greatest thing that i've got right now. he supports me and he cares for me. and the thought of giving up on him for the acceptance of a few is a notion i can't even believe i considered choosing. while i know that with every relationship comes challenges, with this one there obviously are going to be many more than desired. yet, at some point you have to stop defending and start living.
and from this point on, this is what i plan to do.
and as mary j. blige says, "you can either hate it or love it..."
in the light of the movie crash, a movie i cannot praise with words but will forever wish for audiences to view ... my life seems to have taken its own crash. forgive me for being blunt today, forgive me for getting ready to bare a subject matter that i have seemingly concealed for quite sometime. my hope is after reading today's writing, that you will either reconsider some of your views or support me on mine. perchance you can't level with me, no hard feelings if i never hear from you again.
for as long as i can remember, literally, i was the little girl who wasn't afraid to play with or associate with people of different races than myself. obviously, being white and growing up in the early 80s, i wasn't faced with the segregation issues of my grandparents or parents, but that doesn't mean i didn't face them in some respect throughout my childhood. though my life wasn't the extravagance of a civil rights section in a history book, i grew up in the middle of a highly prejudice extended family. i was taught from my parents that all people were to be loved, but my extended family demonstrated differently. yet, race to me always just seemed to be another box you check, like the infamous "single" one. when i was younger, my black friends were simply that - friends. we hung out, we went out ... we danced to music, we shopped together. nothing was ever seemingly different, nothing ever needed explanation.
unfortunately, everything changes sooner or later.
as i put away childish things, i picked up on worldy ideals. i learned that racism was a heavy issue in a country that likes to classify themselves as "the melting pot," a place for all peoples. i quickly saw first hand how a small unborn bi-racial baby could be the ultimate division of a strong family foundation. and while pop culture and celebrities started to embrace the notion of inter-racial couples and equality amongst racial divisions, the average person still pounded his/her beliefs with a closed mind. today, as many of you know but all too many of you don't, i have been spending ample time with a guy who is black. i like to refer to him as "tall, dark and handsome" which he encompasses all three so well. he's gonna either kill me or love me when he reads this, but it's time i get it off my mind. to be completely, whole-heartedly honest with all of you, i never in a million years forsaw the relationship that i have in my life now. i never planned to be the one trying to make an inter-racial relationship work, i never dreamed of being the girl always defending her life. perhaps that's a big part of the reason many of you don't know about this relationship - because deep-down, people always wanted acceptance, yet fear rejection.
it was true when i first found interest in guys long ago and later learned that the "you're just too good for me" excuse was nothing but a self-defense mechanism for a fear of rejection. today, i hope that those very boys who are using those lines will take the leap of faith in hope that it may just work out. even still, it's a hard battle and it's constant. to find acceptance in a world that is so over-populated with fabulous and great people, it's hard to be the one who sticks out like a sore thumb. trust me, a white girl seen with a black guy - no matter how fashionable, beautiful, wonderful they may be - is still a sore thumb. and because of this, i have debated giving up on quite possibly what is the best thing to ever happen to me. all because the issue of racism is too strong, the fear of rejection is evident and the need for acceptance is thriving.
does racism still exist? absolutely. try watching crash with someone of a different race - it will make you want to either hug him/her or run for the nearest exit after the first ten minutes. will racism ever be erased? i doubt it. the history books recorded it - people will continue to pass it down, impending their beliefs on others forever. but can we live in a racist world and still get along? absolutely. at least that's what i'm finally learning.
perhaps, this is the reason hitch, love actually and save the last dance have always been top of my movie list ... because i feel i can relate to the couples there. but, only in save the last dance is there ever the racial issue - for hitch and love actually, it was just love. my hope is that one day, bi-racial, inter-racial, whatever love will be considered that, just love. we watch remember the titans and think "man, i hate this race stuff," but then we are first to judge when something in our personal life just isn't right. trust me, i've experienced the looks, i've heard the comments, i've defended my decisions. but, i'm tired of doing all of that.
this morning, i watched dr. phil which was ironically about inter-racial issues. there was a white new mother on the show who was married to a black man. all during their dating, marriage and pregnancy, the girl's father would have nothing to do with them because of the race card. but somehow (by the grace of God i'd like to think), the father went to the birth of his granddaughter. when she was born he said, "i don't know what my problem was before, she is the most beautiful little girl i have ever laid my eyes upon." even for my very own mom, getting used to the black/white idea was challenging. while not racist herself, she wasn't sure how popular the idea was. now, everyday it seems i get another phone call or message saying "did you know that so and so is married to a black guy?" or something of the like. and as annoying as it may seem, i love her for it. because mom too, is not only aware of the issue but experiencing the change of heart.
many of you may not agree, many of you may not relate - but the truth is, i have to write about it because i'm living it. and while i didn't plan it, i never plan anything in my life well. a great, great friend told me when i first broke the news to her, "you know what linds, NOTHING in your life has ever been easy. why should this?" i don't know where this relationship will go with this particular guy, but i do know that he is the greatest thing that i've got right now. he supports me and he cares for me. and the thought of giving up on him for the acceptance of a few is a notion i can't even believe i considered choosing. while i know that with every relationship comes challenges, with this one there obviously are going to be many more than desired. yet, at some point you have to stop defending and start living.
and from this point on, this is what i plan to do.
and as mary j. blige says, "you can either hate it or love it..."
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