three places

there are three places where i get all of my so-called great thoughts from, so here are my secret dwellings: the shower, the car, the bed. i know, original right? truth is, somehow - no matter what assignment i have to write or what design i am trying to create, i can never think of the idea around the normal sane things of pen, paper or of course, word. but alas, this afternoon after a dreaded panther defeat (damn tampa bay), i went to take a hot shower to clear my head and relief my ill attitude.

the water was cold.

clearly, no ideas will flow from there today. so, im currently sitting here with my head wrapped in a star towel with a white chenile bath robe on, waiting on the water to warm (i know, wonderful visual. thanks linds). i decided since its been a mere eternity since i last wrote, i would conclude the semester with one final hoor-rah for finals.

seemingly enough, amongst my ever-so-chaotic, anything-but-ordinary life, i never found the time for my thanksgiving "things to be thankful for" blog and now with christmas fastly approaching, i haven't even had time to think about my christmas "wish list" blog. so - without further ado, this is the best ive got.

what ive learned most this semester is the art of a challenge. i've always said that things in life don't come easy, my life has been a living testament to this generalization. as i have blogged since this summer, i have watched two relatives slip away in freak accidents, turning my already vulnerable and screwed-up world upside down. with both occuring on holidays, it doesn't make the art of a holiday much of a family affair. with the loss of my aunt, i learned the value of life. i learned what comes unexpectedly to ourselves, don't necessarily come so to others. in this tragic incident, i saw the true passion of a friend and watched the pure emotion of a loss. on this holiday, the fireworks were bursts of anger, blame and bitterness exploding in the sky that had been ignited long before in the heart. on this holiday, the family cookout became a family stakeout. on this holiday, the memories captured in my head will forever be stained on my heart.

briefly following, with the tragic and freak-accident of a death of my grandfather, i learned the pain of unforgiveness. i saw first hand what it was like when someone you once loved dies without his/her knowing so. i saw tears of rage again stir amongst members of one's own family, looking for any type of outlet or justification for another holiday cursed, another life not spared. i never received the proper goodbye, i never paid my final respects - it's a book that still remains unclosed because all too quickly a man whom i had learned to despise slipped away without my forgiveness. on this holiday, the parade was not one of high school bands and santa claus, but of flowers and people in mourning. on this holiday, the newspaper did not tell of the thankful attitude of the day, but offered the full story of a life taken without notice. on this holiday, there was one less fight because one less piece of the family puzzle remained.

in this semester, i have seen first hand the impact of loss, but more importantly the devastation of pain, burdens, guilt and blame that lingers behind long after the sod grows tall. yes, from the beginng - my life has been a challenge. there have been days where i have wanted to cry instead of smile, to say "no, i'm not doing well," instead of "fine, thank you." but, what it has taught me most is to be ready, to be thankful, to be loving and to be forgiving.

be ready. you never know when someone's going to need you. in the blink of an eye, your phone may ring, a friend may show up at your door or a message comes to you that only you know how to respond to. no matter how long it's been since you have talked to the person, no matter how much pain that next step may be, i challenge you to take it. someone somewhere, is going to need you - i challenge you to be ready.

be thankful. thanksgiving is not the only time to be thankful and i'm not going to lie - for me, i found it very hard this year to even find one thing on this day. but the truth is, that you are abundantly blessed in so many ways. for everytime you have had a friend to call, a stranger said hello, food in your stomach and a roof over your head, you should be thankful. for everytime you have a loved one to hug, a family member to hold and a signficant other to kiss, you should be thankful. for everytime you have had the opportunity for a second chance, the moment to forgive, the time to move on, you should be thankful. that which challenges us will only make us stronger people, but you've got to be ready to take the leap and say thanks as people help you along the way. for me, i am thankful for a family that doesn't give up when the road only seems to lead to destruction. i am thankful for a group of friends so strong that even my mountains can't shake them. i am thankful for a home of my own that i can confide in when i feel like there is no where to run. i am thankful for the gift of language, the ability to express myself in words and the people so attached to reading them. and most importantly, i am thankful for the continual chance i get to prove myself time and time again, to take a challenge, overcome all obstacles and through thick and thin - find someway to say i did okay.

be loving. losing two loved ones without a proper goodbye is harder than many things i've had to do. my mom used to tell me as a little girl, "don't let the sun go down on you while you are mad." how i wish i had listened to those words harder than i have. all too often are we too quick to judge and even faster to burn bridges between the ones we love. i pray that this holiday season if you are experiencing even uncommon or shaky ground between you and another that you will find it in your heart to love that loved one again. as dark as it may sound, you never know how long they will be around - i challenge you to be loving in all ways. to strangers in the mall during the chaotic shopping days, to friends who just seem to get under your skin at times, to family members stretched far and wide that you just so happened to "lose touch" with. if you can do anything, you can love. it is the only thing that is universal.

and finally, be forgiving. it's the lesson that we learn when we first learn what it means to communicate, but it's the one we all too easily seem to forget. we are first to seek revenge, last to seek forgiveness. and no matter how much we age, we seem to always struggle letting the "he said, she said" game die right where it started. blame will get you nowhere, guilt won't get you any closer. for me, it put to people in the grave in less than four months. and there is seemingly nothing more difficult to mend then the heart with a hole that only forgiveness can cleanse. learn the lesson that forgiveness heals wounds deeper than were originally cut and even if it means taking down the mask of pride, it could save a life. this holiday season, i seek forgiveness for the one too many bridges i never extingushed and for the one too many times i was the one who lit the flames.

my life is but a testament, a challenge to myself. hard academic work loads, finanical struggles, life situtations often impossible to bare. but, i sit here today and i tell you that because of it all, somehow i smile and thank God that i am still pursuing a life that is anything-but-ordinary.

i guess you can't call this your typical thankful list or wish list, but it is one of my own - very dear to my heart and often left unsaid. this holiday season, my wish for you is simple: to love and be loved in return. i hope that you find joy amongst the little things, happiness with the family and love within the season. i pray that you restore broken bridges, mend hearts and learn to communicate with simple words that everyone longs to hear. thank you for your dedication to my blog and your open-mindness to my thoughts. i wish you a very, merry christmas and a happy new year.

and perchance i don't write to you before, we shall talk again in 2006.