a perfect imperfection

for the past week or so there has only been one word on my mind. perfection. while i would like to believe that perfection is achieveable, deep down we all know the inevitable. however, despite the innate imperfection dwelling inside all of us, why is it that we all so desperately long for the one thing we know we'll never acquire?

take for instance just a few moments ago while i was attempting to clean my countertops from a greasy dinner mess. as i attempted to spray the ever-so-frustrating bottle of clorox clean-up, it somehow managed to drop out of my hand. as the bottle hit the counter and fell to the ground, it was first sure not to burst and explode all over my fairly new black pants. as i began to think unpleasant thoughts, i looked down to see my two kittens who were eating porkchop bones at the time dripping in clorox. with bleached black pants and odor-reeking kittens in hand, i quickly tried to salvage what was left of an imperfect moment.

why did the bottle have to break?
why did i have to be wearing the only decent pair of black pants?
why were my kittens standing in its fall?

and of course, to add to the mishap, about five minutes ago i picked up the rug i had furiously tossed out of the kitchen to notice the now bleached spot on the carpet.

a perfect imperfection.

unfortunately, in a life of rountine there isn't much time for perfection. and sadly, i have found myself often thinking of little irritating things that make my everyday non-perfect.

why did i eat mcdonalds knowing that i'm trying to lose five pounds?
why did the stoplight just have to turn red knowing i'm already ten minutes late?
why did i wear these heels to the mall?

depressed by the cheeseburger, frustrated by the traffic, pained by the stiletto ... our imperfect beings still keep striving. but thanks to the society that we are surrounded by, who would honestly expect anything else?

right now, if i asked you to think of five things that you hated --or at least wish you could change-- about yourself, i wonder just how many of you would stop at five? what if i asked you if there was anybody, and i mean, absolutely anybody, you would rather be or trade places with for even a day? and if i asked you to describe to me in perfect detail the type of life you wanted to live --despite reality, gravity and everything else-- how many of you would tell me to get pen, paper and comfy?

i'd be shocked to know the results if anyone told me that they couldn't respond to these questions because the truth is, very rarely --if ever-- are we completely satisfied with how we look, who we are, and what we will become. instead, hollywood, our education, our society all tell us that we are missing the bar.

you should be thinner, taller, darker. wear your hair curly, long, red. dont wear anything that doesnt turn heads. dont take jobs that dont impress. and of course, overtime as we hear and see these things, we start to wear on ourselves as our own worst enemy. do i need to lose weight? do i need a better job? should i be acting this way in a relationship? what if i am the problem? suddenly, our normal lives become anything but rountine.

despite my bad days, i always had this dream that one day i would be this super-fabulous person, living in my own new york apartment, the proud owner of my own magazine. in my fantasy, for some reason kids nor a husband ever existed. at first i thought, maybe its because i'll never find anyone to feel that void -- or maybe, i was all the person i ever needed. yes, in my private world, it was simply me, myself and my shoes.

and it was perfect.

yet despite my dream, i am the nanny of two precious yet trying little boys. i am the roommate of my sister. i am the daughter wasting my talent to my father. i am the daughter always changing her mind to my mother. i am the unstable, ever-changing girlfriend to my boyfriend.

there is no new york.
no apartment overlooking the skyline.
no magazine.
and barely even any shoes worth mentioning.

yet the truth is, over the past few weeks, i have been learning one small but signficant lesson -- it's the simple art of an imperfection that makes an individual's life perfect. could i be thinner? absolutely. could i be smarter? without a doubt. could i love more? i should. but if i were thinner, would i be happier... if i were smarter, could i cure cancer... if i loved more, would i be guaranteed a conflict-free life?

you see, for me if i didn't make an A, in my mind ... i failed. now i am slowly learning that i am just creating another part of the perfect imperfection that it is me.