glamorous

its seems within this past week, all things have been pointing to one thing -- glamour. this week, my new glamour magazine came wrapped in the mail proudly welcoming fall fashion, love tips and another split-second workout. at church sunday morning, my beloved pastor spoke on remembering your roots. he told the story of moses, how he was placed in a basket and shipped down the river in a mother's mere attempt to avoid pharoahs slaying.

moses was rescued by pharoahs daughter and lived a lavish life of the top-of-the-line luxury. yet, at the end of it all -- moses left everything he had to go back to his roots ... his people. for moses, the important thing wasnt all the fancy he had lying around him, but taking his people and leading them into the promiseland. my pastors message was simple, yet it stayed with me all week long ... whenever you get caught up in the glamorous, remember where you came from. remember your roots. remember the days when you had nothing, but had everything.

then throughout work this week, i have watched as glamour has unfolded on the left in the right. everyday, i drive through a beautiful neighborhood full of brand-new exquiste houses of three and four stories. i pass by expensive cars and drive carefully by little children cruising on expensive powered wheels. inside, i spend my day providing care for two beautiful children while their parents slave away in the workfield to create a better life for themselves.

now dont get me wrong.
follow my point throughly.

i have no problem with nice cars and big houses or even working fulltime to make a living. yet all around me there are signs of people saying 'i do this so i can provide this.' whether its a bigger house, a better car, more toys .. theres always something that people are constantly trying to work toward in order to gain something greater. and somewhere along the way, they pass too quickly by the life they are aiming so high to establish.

look at me. i kicked my butt everyday in school for the past seventeen years to make myself something. i went to a well-known university and studied for four years with an honor title to create a better life for myself. i was told that i needed to grow up to be the best i could be. that whatever i dreamed of, i could be. that whatever i wanted, i could become.

but somewhere along that path --
dreams became cars.
goals became exotic vacations.
aspirations became mansions.

and somewhere along the way --
it happened to more people than me.

everyday i watch as carter and jack grow up before my eyes. not yet a mother, i have witnessed the first tooth, the first roll-over, the first baby food, the first crawl, the first stand. and while i could not be more proud and honored to be in this position, it breaks my heart everyday when the parents come home and i tell them the good news of their childrens daily accomplishments and they say "oh, i wish i would have been here to see that."

yet, here is sit ... paycheck to paycheck. writing down bills in my registery and writing a tithe check praying that god will once again come through. i dont own a big house, a fancy car or take exotic vacations. my nights on the town consist of dinner and a movie. and if im lucky, a high school football game to cheer on my churchs youth.

sometimes i cry.
sometimes i wonder.
sometimes i pray.

why, oh lord is this my life?
why do i sit here and wonder where my next miracle is going to come from, while others slave away trying to acquire even more?

but then, i hear it -- "dont forget where youve come from."
the glamorous lifestyle may be fun for a while -- but no matter where you are on the financial or social ladder, there are always going to be people still climbing, trying to just get ahead. for me, as i drove home on this friday afternoon blasting my new and fabulous fergie cd, i turned on number six, glamorous.

"we're flying first class up in the sky,
we're poppin' champagne, living the life,
in the fast lane,
oh, but i won't change by the glamorous,
oh, the flossy flossy."

i hate to say it, but its my theme song now. if in one week, so many signs can point to one thing -- then for me, this one thing must be true. while the glamour is nice, the life your living is even greater.

i wont change by the glamorous.

this is me.

confession. while i am not a stay-at-home mother, i am a stay-at-home mom who watches dr. phil religiously. now, while some of you are sitting there laughing thinking, "what in the world has lindsay turned into since graduation" the rest of you are nodding your heads saying, "i know .. i loooooove dr. phil."

gone are my days of waking up late, doing homework at the last minute and going out for cocktails with my girlfriends on a weeknight ... here are my days waking up to folgers in my cup, driving eighty on the freeway and dancing to 'between the lions' theme song in my car. fear not, i have not traded in my car for a mini-van, but i have been caught numerous times leading sing-a-long in my car to kid tunes.

aside from the fact that i have taken my 21st year of life and turned the liquor bottles into formula, the often repetitive words of dr. phil continue to haunt me daily. "in whatever you do ... whoever you marry ... whatever you become ... don't lose yourself."

sounds simple right?
sounds quite elementary i know.

yet, the truth of the matter is all too often we lose ourselves in something we aim to become, dream to be or simply overlook the transition at all. for me, it was subtle at first -- but then took a dramatic turn. five months ago, if i would have been sitting anywhere where young moms could be overheard i woud have cringed at the conversation.

"oh you should see little tommy. he just learned how to sit up."
"really? well little janey did the funniest thing the other day."
"oh thats nothing. little robbie learned his abc's. ...backwards."

wherever i would be in that moment i would look at whomever i was with and simply state, "that will never be me. i refuse to go out with my girlfriends and compare my child."

no, i haven't become that annoying -- but now, instead of cringing when i overhear that dreaded happy mom conversation, instead of thinking "you moron," i simply find myself thinking about my life.

baby jack and young carter have definitely become my adopted children, but somewhere along the way -- they also become the downfall of myself. you see, i have realized over these few short months -- that if you can't leave work at the door of your home, you will quickly erase the meaning of the word home. while what you do during your nine to five is equally as important as what you do with the rest of your days .. it cannot be the only thing you do.

for me, waking up and watching children has begun to consume me. even on the weekends, i find myself toting children around with the same theme song being blasted from my speakers. three days ago, the parents that i work for took a vacation, a vacation from their world ... leaving me behind to carry on.

in that moment, it hit me.
i was the one in need of a vacation.

and that didn't mean i needed to jump on a plane and head to a foreign destination -- it simply meant a vacation in order to rediscover myself. to put into action the words of dr. phil that echo throughout my home every weekday at ten a.m.

last night, i ignored my cell phone and went into off broadway shoes. thirty minutes later, i walked out with a hole in my pocket and two fabulous pairs of shoes in tote. twenty minutes later, i had two more bags in hand (and yes, two more pairs of shoes) compliments of southpark mall.

as i exited the mall, sipping my starbucks frappuccino child-free, i realized this is me. i am the young woman who loves to splurge on shoes and go home and fret about how broke i am. i am the young woman who loves to drink coffee while cruising with her windows down on the open road, listening to the top forty. i am the young woman who takes pleasure in a saturday morning without any commitments. i am the young woman who loves to cringe at people who have lifestyles different than mine.

yes, this is me.

this morning, i took dr. phils words one step farther as i drove to the local carwash and with my hair pulled back, soffee shorts on and makeupless face, i began to wash my car in the company of ... adults. as i cleaned the remains of two messy children in the beating sun, i noticed a young guy vaccumming his car in front of me. eventually, the guy started carrying on conversation with me. just before he left, he came up to me and did the bold... "um, hey listen ... do you have a phone number or something that i might be able to get?"

"i'm sorry, but i have a boyfriend," i simply stated.
"oh well, i had to try," he said with a smile.
"yeh, i understand completely," i said with a smile.

in that moment with sweat beating down my face -- a stranger recognized the real me.
and perhaps, if he liked the real me ... then i could learn to like her again too.