twice as nice

i meant to write this two days ago, on the official two year anniversary of the "working on life" blog (complete with a new title, for a new year). i remember when i first started this thing - may 27, 2005 - i was completely unaware if i would ever figure out how to work it, if i would ever continue to write through it and if people would ever even begin to think about reading it. two years later, i have learned how to update my template by adding pictures, i have created over forty life-changing posts and i have a strong fan club that i still write for today.

so to honor my fans, i thought i would take this time to recap and review my top ten moments (and ergo, life lessons) i have learned in two very short years.

number one. the quickest and best way to gain a beautiful, brozen summer-long tan is to be a life guard. ever since i became a nanny, long gone are my days of "what race are you?"

number two. hands-down, without-a-doubt, college is the best time of your life. i cannot believe that it has only been one year since i graduated, but everytime i attend a graduation or talk to a friend from state, i miss home.

number three. you either love children or you dont. and while there are days i want to hurl mine (or my own head) against the wall, i would die for them. they are the most time-consuming, patience-testing and control-driven babies in the world, but they hold a sacred place in my heart.

number four. what you think you will become, may not always be your destiny. for years i said i would go to school, graduate, move to new york and own my own magazine. to date, i have a degree in media communications and journalism, i have turned down an internship in the heart of new york city and became a nanny. while i still have a passion to write, i have learned that my passion is not always my money maker.

number five. love doesnt see color. this has to be one of the biggest lessons i have learned this year, developing a serious and committed relationship with a black man all the while raising children of vietnamese and greek descent. when the four of us walked around in public, people often times looked at us, yet to us -- we were beautiful. and though i was supposed to be celebrating my second anniversary with my handsome boyfriend this july, somewhere along the way, we started to misunderstand one another's needs. now he is off doing his own thing, while i am stuck living my rountine without him. i cant help to think about him and i cannot help but to love him. sometimes i wonder if i would ever find someone else to love, and other times i feel guilty for ever considering the possibility of looking. what makes this colorblind-halted love even more difficult is the strong belief that we are made for each other. to want a love to last and work out, we felt we needed time apart to further ourselves and strengthen our being. yet, out of all the lessons, this one is the hardest. with great respect, admiration, love and support -- i am still learning to let go of the love i knew in hopes of a greater love unknown. to me, he was never anything less that perfect. it was a difficult road getting me to that place -- where i said "it doesnt matter what color he is, how old he is, how tall, smart or rich he is. what matters is that he loves himself, he loves god and he loves me."

number six. the only way for me to lose weight is simply stated - do not eat. i am finally and forthright convinced that god has a plague on my life to maintain my size no matter my calorie intake or my calorie burn-off. despite my strenious exercising, i still manage to maintain my weight. despite my poor eating habits (of chocolate chip cookies and pizza) i still can snug into all of my clothes. therefore, should i really want to drastically change -- not eating works.

number seven. pacu's are the craziest and yet most interesting fish to own in an at-home aquarium. cousin to the pirana, tim and i purchased a quarter-sized pacu from walmart over fourteen months ago. he thought it was cool looking, i thought it was only $2.87. now, thirteen months later - i have learned that this fish not only has teeth that he uses to chomp through goldfish, minnows, broccoli, asparagus, romanine lettuce and cucumbers, but he also has grown beyond the size of my hand. i have spent hundreds on this giant, that i now know can grow up to two feet long and live for up to twenty years. though the center of attention at my house (even beyond the kittens), he is not for the average aquarium person.

number eight. kittens can be the one thing that keeps you from diving into depression when you feel like your world is coming crashing down. yes, in two years, there has been many ups and downs. whether it was adjusting to life at home, dealing with a stressful job, coping with loss love or simply refinding myself -- my adorable, sweet and ever-so-spoiled penny and maverick were there to wake me up, lay by me at night and cuddle with me by day.

number nine. money isnt everything. this lesson was one that i always knew, yet one that never hit home like it did this past year. for the first time in my entire life, i learned what it was like to pay all my bills. to purchase things in my name. to have debt. to sign without a co-signer. to live without insurance. for the first time in 22 years, i have begun to tip the iceberg on what its like not to dream for what you want one day, but to live with what you have. i have seen people with a life full of riches and wealth fall by the wayside because they couldnt contain their love of money for the love of their family. i have seen little boys expect to get something every time they enter a store because they have been conditioned to think that everything belongs to them. i have seen family members fight over finances, threatening personal happiness for the sake of a dollar in a will. i have seen relationships fall apart because once enjoyable tasks of dinning, shopping and entertaining became toxic in conversation. yes, this lesson has stung the most. for just as the bible says, you cannot serve two gods -- so i have learned that success comes not when i have a savings account or all the pairs of shoes in the world, but when i am happy with whom i am, in love with he that loves me and in the favor of god.

number ten. nothing in life lasts but your faith. through college and even some of the years leading up, i hestitated in the power of my faith. i thought sometimes it was best left unshared, other times left pushed under the rug. in college, i tested the waters of not going to church, not praying and not reading my bible - but god stood beside me the entire time. i learned that no matter where i was, i could praise god. and no matter what i went through, that god had a plan. then i moved home, and rejoined my church -- got invovled with the youth and started teaching a sunday school. i learned to love and value not only myself, but my walk with god. and i have learned that when everything else turns your back on you, when all situtations seem to be leading the wrong way and when you feel you dont have control of anything -- god is still there. he has provided for me everytime, i have some of the greatest friends in the world through him, and most importantly, i have a sense of belonging to something great.

thank you for being part of my two wonderful years. it is my prayer that i can continue to entertain, encourage, uplift and excite you for many more years to come.

a perfect imperfection

for the past week or so there has only been one word on my mind. perfection. while i would like to believe that perfection is achieveable, deep down we all know the inevitable. however, despite the innate imperfection dwelling inside all of us, why is it that we all so desperately long for the one thing we know we'll never acquire?

take for instance just a few moments ago while i was attempting to clean my countertops from a greasy dinner mess. as i attempted to spray the ever-so-frustrating bottle of clorox clean-up, it somehow managed to drop out of my hand. as the bottle hit the counter and fell to the ground, it was first sure not to burst and explode all over my fairly new black pants. as i began to think unpleasant thoughts, i looked down to see my two kittens who were eating porkchop bones at the time dripping in clorox. with bleached black pants and odor-reeking kittens in hand, i quickly tried to salvage what was left of an imperfect moment.

why did the bottle have to break?
why did i have to be wearing the only decent pair of black pants?
why were my kittens standing in its fall?

and of course, to add to the mishap, about five minutes ago i picked up the rug i had furiously tossed out of the kitchen to notice the now bleached spot on the carpet.

a perfect imperfection.

unfortunately, in a life of rountine there isn't much time for perfection. and sadly, i have found myself often thinking of little irritating things that make my everyday non-perfect.

why did i eat mcdonalds knowing that i'm trying to lose five pounds?
why did the stoplight just have to turn red knowing i'm already ten minutes late?
why did i wear these heels to the mall?

depressed by the cheeseburger, frustrated by the traffic, pained by the stiletto ... our imperfect beings still keep striving. but thanks to the society that we are surrounded by, who would honestly expect anything else?

right now, if i asked you to think of five things that you hated --or at least wish you could change-- about yourself, i wonder just how many of you would stop at five? what if i asked you if there was anybody, and i mean, absolutely anybody, you would rather be or trade places with for even a day? and if i asked you to describe to me in perfect detail the type of life you wanted to live --despite reality, gravity and everything else-- how many of you would tell me to get pen, paper and comfy?

i'd be shocked to know the results if anyone told me that they couldn't respond to these questions because the truth is, very rarely --if ever-- are we completely satisfied with how we look, who we are, and what we will become. instead, hollywood, our education, our society all tell us that we are missing the bar.

you should be thinner, taller, darker. wear your hair curly, long, red. dont wear anything that doesnt turn heads. dont take jobs that dont impress. and of course, overtime as we hear and see these things, we start to wear on ourselves as our own worst enemy. do i need to lose weight? do i need a better job? should i be acting this way in a relationship? what if i am the problem? suddenly, our normal lives become anything but rountine.

despite my bad days, i always had this dream that one day i would be this super-fabulous person, living in my own new york apartment, the proud owner of my own magazine. in my fantasy, for some reason kids nor a husband ever existed. at first i thought, maybe its because i'll never find anyone to feel that void -- or maybe, i was all the person i ever needed. yes, in my private world, it was simply me, myself and my shoes.

and it was perfect.

yet despite my dream, i am the nanny of two precious yet trying little boys. i am the roommate of my sister. i am the daughter wasting my talent to my father. i am the daughter always changing her mind to my mother. i am the unstable, ever-changing girlfriend to my boyfriend.

there is no new york.
no apartment overlooking the skyline.
no magazine.
and barely even any shoes worth mentioning.

yet the truth is, over the past few weeks, i have been learning one small but signficant lesson -- it's the simple art of an imperfection that makes an individual's life perfect. could i be thinner? absolutely. could i be smarter? without a doubt. could i love more? i should. but if i were thinner, would i be happier... if i were smarter, could i cure cancer... if i loved more, would i be guaranteed a conflict-free life?

you see, for me if i didn't make an A, in my mind ... i failed. now i am slowly learning that i am just creating another part of the perfect imperfection that it is me.

glamorous

its seems within this past week, all things have been pointing to one thing -- glamour. this week, my new glamour magazine came wrapped in the mail proudly welcoming fall fashion, love tips and another split-second workout. at church sunday morning, my beloved pastor spoke on remembering your roots. he told the story of moses, how he was placed in a basket and shipped down the river in a mother's mere attempt to avoid pharoahs slaying.

moses was rescued by pharoahs daughter and lived a lavish life of the top-of-the-line luxury. yet, at the end of it all -- moses left everything he had to go back to his roots ... his people. for moses, the important thing wasnt all the fancy he had lying around him, but taking his people and leading them into the promiseland. my pastors message was simple, yet it stayed with me all week long ... whenever you get caught up in the glamorous, remember where you came from. remember your roots. remember the days when you had nothing, but had everything.

then throughout work this week, i have watched as glamour has unfolded on the left in the right. everyday, i drive through a beautiful neighborhood full of brand-new exquiste houses of three and four stories. i pass by expensive cars and drive carefully by little children cruising on expensive powered wheels. inside, i spend my day providing care for two beautiful children while their parents slave away in the workfield to create a better life for themselves.

now dont get me wrong.
follow my point throughly.

i have no problem with nice cars and big houses or even working fulltime to make a living. yet all around me there are signs of people saying 'i do this so i can provide this.' whether its a bigger house, a better car, more toys .. theres always something that people are constantly trying to work toward in order to gain something greater. and somewhere along the way, they pass too quickly by the life they are aiming so high to establish.

look at me. i kicked my butt everyday in school for the past seventeen years to make myself something. i went to a well-known university and studied for four years with an honor title to create a better life for myself. i was told that i needed to grow up to be the best i could be. that whatever i dreamed of, i could be. that whatever i wanted, i could become.

but somewhere along that path --
dreams became cars.
goals became exotic vacations.
aspirations became mansions.

and somewhere along the way --
it happened to more people than me.

everyday i watch as carter and jack grow up before my eyes. not yet a mother, i have witnessed the first tooth, the first roll-over, the first baby food, the first crawl, the first stand. and while i could not be more proud and honored to be in this position, it breaks my heart everyday when the parents come home and i tell them the good news of their childrens daily accomplishments and they say "oh, i wish i would have been here to see that."

yet, here is sit ... paycheck to paycheck. writing down bills in my registery and writing a tithe check praying that god will once again come through. i dont own a big house, a fancy car or take exotic vacations. my nights on the town consist of dinner and a movie. and if im lucky, a high school football game to cheer on my churchs youth.

sometimes i cry.
sometimes i wonder.
sometimes i pray.

why, oh lord is this my life?
why do i sit here and wonder where my next miracle is going to come from, while others slave away trying to acquire even more?

but then, i hear it -- "dont forget where youve come from."
the glamorous lifestyle may be fun for a while -- but no matter where you are on the financial or social ladder, there are always going to be people still climbing, trying to just get ahead. for me, as i drove home on this friday afternoon blasting my new and fabulous fergie cd, i turned on number six, glamorous.

"we're flying first class up in the sky,
we're poppin' champagne, living the life,
in the fast lane,
oh, but i won't change by the glamorous,
oh, the flossy flossy."

i hate to say it, but its my theme song now. if in one week, so many signs can point to one thing -- then for me, this one thing must be true. while the glamour is nice, the life your living is even greater.

i wont change by the glamorous.

this is me.

confession. while i am not a stay-at-home mother, i am a stay-at-home mom who watches dr. phil religiously. now, while some of you are sitting there laughing thinking, "what in the world has lindsay turned into since graduation" the rest of you are nodding your heads saying, "i know .. i loooooove dr. phil."

gone are my days of waking up late, doing homework at the last minute and going out for cocktails with my girlfriends on a weeknight ... here are my days waking up to folgers in my cup, driving eighty on the freeway and dancing to 'between the lions' theme song in my car. fear not, i have not traded in my car for a mini-van, but i have been caught numerous times leading sing-a-long in my car to kid tunes.

aside from the fact that i have taken my 21st year of life and turned the liquor bottles into formula, the often repetitive words of dr. phil continue to haunt me daily. "in whatever you do ... whoever you marry ... whatever you become ... don't lose yourself."

sounds simple right?
sounds quite elementary i know.

yet, the truth of the matter is all too often we lose ourselves in something we aim to become, dream to be or simply overlook the transition at all. for me, it was subtle at first -- but then took a dramatic turn. five months ago, if i would have been sitting anywhere where young moms could be overheard i woud have cringed at the conversation.

"oh you should see little tommy. he just learned how to sit up."
"really? well little janey did the funniest thing the other day."
"oh thats nothing. little robbie learned his abc's. ...backwards."

wherever i would be in that moment i would look at whomever i was with and simply state, "that will never be me. i refuse to go out with my girlfriends and compare my child."

no, i haven't become that annoying -- but now, instead of cringing when i overhear that dreaded happy mom conversation, instead of thinking "you moron," i simply find myself thinking about my life.

baby jack and young carter have definitely become my adopted children, but somewhere along the way -- they also become the downfall of myself. you see, i have realized over these few short months -- that if you can't leave work at the door of your home, you will quickly erase the meaning of the word home. while what you do during your nine to five is equally as important as what you do with the rest of your days .. it cannot be the only thing you do.

for me, waking up and watching children has begun to consume me. even on the weekends, i find myself toting children around with the same theme song being blasted from my speakers. three days ago, the parents that i work for took a vacation, a vacation from their world ... leaving me behind to carry on.

in that moment, it hit me.
i was the one in need of a vacation.

and that didn't mean i needed to jump on a plane and head to a foreign destination -- it simply meant a vacation in order to rediscover myself. to put into action the words of dr. phil that echo throughout my home every weekday at ten a.m.

last night, i ignored my cell phone and went into off broadway shoes. thirty minutes later, i walked out with a hole in my pocket and two fabulous pairs of shoes in tote. twenty minutes later, i had two more bags in hand (and yes, two more pairs of shoes) compliments of southpark mall.

as i exited the mall, sipping my starbucks frappuccino child-free, i realized this is me. i am the young woman who loves to splurge on shoes and go home and fret about how broke i am. i am the young woman who loves to drink coffee while cruising with her windows down on the open road, listening to the top forty. i am the young woman who takes pleasure in a saturday morning without any commitments. i am the young woman who loves to cringe at people who have lifestyles different than mine.

yes, this is me.

this morning, i took dr. phils words one step farther as i drove to the local carwash and with my hair pulled back, soffee shorts on and makeupless face, i began to wash my car in the company of ... adults. as i cleaned the remains of two messy children in the beating sun, i noticed a young guy vaccumming his car in front of me. eventually, the guy started carrying on conversation with me. just before he left, he came up to me and did the bold... "um, hey listen ... do you have a phone number or something that i might be able to get?"

"i'm sorry, but i have a boyfriend," i simply stated.
"oh well, i had to try," he said with a smile.
"yeh, i understand completely," i said with a smile.

in that moment with sweat beating down my face -- a stranger recognized the real me.
and perhaps, if he liked the real me ... then i could learn to like her again too.

four seasons

strappy sandals begin their prowl. tanktops peak out from behind their once-worn collared shirts. sunglasses become a necessity, not an accessory. rainbows once again become the staple. windows roll down to let the springtime breeze in as the heat fades away from within. dogwoods bloom and tulips ripen to the freshest shade.

springtime is in the air.

without a doubt, spring is my favorite season. i love the scent of blooming flowers and the sight of budding trees almost more than i do admiring my freshly manicured toes peaking out from my trendy new shoes. it is a season of happiness, where the world awakens from the dead as if to say "everything is going to be better this time around." it is a season of renewal, where that which once faded away begins again with glee.

as i sit this pre-spring afternoon in mcalisters deli, outside the sun is shining and the trees are waking. inside, the guests sit and talk with one another -- some business professionals, others just friends making casual conversation. young moms are doing their daily rountine, toting around young children while their older ones are still being schooled. yet, everyone seems happy. in line, people are laughing. beside me, an older man dons his new cell phone to his equally aged counterparts. as the symphony blares through his ringtone, he beams as he informs them the notion of a ringtone no longer being a simple ring. as if he is the inventor of the modified ringtone himself, he prides in his "new" technology. and directly across from me, watching my every move, sit alex and allison -- two ever-so-precious blonde hair, blue eyes twins. as they sit across from one another eating their peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and sipping their hi-c, they continue to look over here and smile. "helloooooooooooooooooooooooooooo" they call out as if i am their long-lost friend. when i respond, their faces light up.

a stranger has just become a friend.

casually, we continue to make funny gestures and simple conversation throughout their entire lunch. as i sit and type, i watch their little faces discover their world around them. new to life still, you can tell they are taking everything in as if they are invincible and the world is perfect. another stranger walks by, and little alex stares up at him with his big blue eyes and turns his head with every step of the man. then catching eye contact with his sister, they both begin to chuckle.

four years old and three feet small, these two children encompass everything i wish i could still be. innocent, where everything you do it is not your fault. lovable, where the only thing anyone can do is look at you and smile. childish, where eye contact with another makes you laugh and smile. precious, where imperfections become your perfection. fragile, where your heart can be broken and mended within a split second. unaware, where everything you see and do is completely new. impressionable, where your mind is still formulating its capacity. simple, where being in the moment is the only moment you know exists.

instead, i sit here this afternoon at the crossroads of my life. within nine short weeks, i will close the life that i have only known to begin one that i have never even tasted. like a young adult caught up in love, confused by society and tainted by the world, my mind battles constantly the decisions soon to come. instead of living in the moment, rising with the morning sun and waking with the day, i live wondering whether the next step is really the best one to take. two steps forward seems to lead to four steps backward. a decision made crushes another dream. a dream followed pierces reality.

at what point do we stop living for the life we want to live in the moment we have?

for alex and allison, looking up at the things unknown brought laughter to their lives. for me, looking up at the things unknown brings fear, anxiety and worry. yet like seasons, all things will come together. trees bloom, leaves fall, seeds are planted, trees root. in the now, the life i once knew has fallen away in shades of orange, red and yellow and been buried underneath the tall oak trees. yet, as i look outside, small buds begin to emerge, the daffodils begin to bloom and life again, goes on.

as alex and allison jump down from their booster seats and grab their mom's hand, they both look back over at me and say good-bye. "see you next time," alex says as he turns his head and waves good-bye. again, their eyes catch one another's and they laugh as they walk away.

one day, they too will grow-up and find this world unbearable. they will lose the simpleness and fragileness they once obtained, to find themselves searching for answers amongst their tainted, impressionable lives. my hope for them is but one simple wish: that they too, would look to the seasons and see the sight of the blooming trees.

as their life begins ... so i wait on mine to blossom.