heart of worship

almost a year and a half ago, i announced my relationship with the world through this message board. i have since told you of stories from that january day ... of love, pain, joy and sadness. but today, i feel that it is only fair to myself, my readers and my love language of verse to tell the world in the same manner of the day the music died.

many people would probably sit at their computers and think "my god, this woman is crazy! she is just laying it all on the lines, telling the whole world that the love that she knew is in a far unknown place." the truth is, if i don't sit down and write about it, then i will trick myself into thinking that it never happened in the first place.

i loved him with all my heart.
i love him with all i have.

but somewhere along this road, he decided that i was not the best for him. he believes that he is in an undescribable place right now, and for my own interest, health and well-being, i cannot join him there. yet, for me this is a challenge like no other; however, a wish i can neither protest nor change despite my desire.

today, i don't write for sympathy. i don't ask for comments, voicemails or dinner dates. instead, i write with one simple message: a plea for you to seek god in all you do and to love beyond all you have.

you see, for me i was raised a christian -- blessed with a christian mother, a christian church and a christian lifestyle. yet, by no means did that make my life perfect. instead, with every step i took, i feared that i was failing god. in the back of my mind, i thought that if i did something remotely wrong, i wasn't saved and god would turn his face. i had a hard time establishing relationships with people, and an even harder time finding confidence in my own relationship with myself.

and after four years of college not seeking god, i have moved home to find him more passionately interested in me then ever before. and while i have been desperately looking for a better relationship with god, i thought that other things of this life would fall in place too without constant nuturing and love. yet naive like a child, i failed to realize that while my spiritual walk was enhancing, his was falling by the wayside.

and that makes for a dead end.

i look back on the time spent with him, and again i blame myself. i think, "i could have done this better, said this easier, loved him harder." there are times when i sit and cry simply because "what if" by 112 comes over my speakers. other times, i want to kick, scream and fight because i feel like i was a fool for believing in a perfect love. then of course, there are the times when i feel that any minute i will wake-up, he will be there to comfort me and i will realize it was all a dream.

and while i know this is hard for me, i also know that it is tough for him on a different level. by all means, its not everyday that someone breaks up with the person he loves because he says he loves her and wants to spend the rest of his life with her. and while its not everyday, the sad thing is it was my day.

however, what i am learning in this short, unbareable time is that while we all have a laundry list of things to complete, there is nothing that can be accomplished without the power of god. some of us are the isaiah's who proclaim, "here i am lord, send me." some of us are the david's, who are blessed with being "the man after god's own heart," even despite his adulterous ways. some of us are the job's, boiling with blisters and crying out to the lord, "woe is me." and even still, some of us are the jonah's, running from the call of the lord, only to end up doing it the hard way.

you see, while some of you may not believe in god, i passionately believe that he is the only way. i believe that nothing happens for a reason, and that all things -- whether good or bad -- are orchestrated according to his plan, not mine.

even though it doesn't make this situation any easier.

but what it does do is create a sense of unexplainable peace amongst the pain. it gives me hope that god is in control and once again, it brings me to my knees asking god to have mercy and grace on me and my loved ones. my prayer for this halted relationship is one of renewal, self-discovery and a reconnection like no other. yet, i know that it will never occur if we don't first realize that nothing comes without first believing in god.

yes, i could have loved more.
yes, i could have changed my tone.
yes, i could have been there stronger.

but now, i am left without much -- sitting here thinking that there must be something better than this. and there is -- its a relationship with god. i'm learning how to pray again, learning how to believe more, and learning how to rejoice even in the dark times.

my prayer now is that so is he.

a common thread

you know, i sat at my computer today wanting desperately to blog with nothing clever coming to mind. i thought to myself, "if only i had a funny story -- a joke -- a witty moment with a detailed message." as most of my faithful readers know, i used to entertain you all with stories of life-sized elmos, a life-defining moment in law and of course, the goldfish that explained all relationships.

which by the way -- may i proudly point out that uno -- my "lone ranger" goldfish from my august 17, 2005 column -- is still alive and kicking. yes, i am not kidding ... he is not a replacement uno that mom's buy their children without their knowing to replace the goldfish they accidentally killed over the weekend. no, this is truly the sole survivor from my bunch of goldfish -- the one that i knew, if i named -- he'd stick around.

so with uno swimming next to me in his new bubbled aquarium in our new apartment in our new city, i am saddened to know that i don't have any good funny stories or wise cracks to share. i could bore you all with the every-day lessons i learn of not letting an infant climb the back of the stairs. or of course, there is the one where i forgot to buckle my toddler's car seat in the car and heard him say, "whooooooooooooa" as he flipped sideways while i turned the corner. or of course, there is the time that my sister and i sat and watched a new episode of studio 60, starting from the end. (but then again, that story wouldn't say much about our intelligence -- or degrees for that matter -- if i told you we didn't understand what was going on and didn't realize we were watching the end of the show first UNTIL it was over.)

no -- why waste your time with those stories?

see, while i could tell you about how i rescued jack from falling down a flight of stairs, re-strapped carter in his car seat and commended him on being a "big boy" or laugh with lauren that if it takes you until the credits to figure out a show started in the wrong place and you still didn't get it -- the show just really isn't that good ... instead, i could tell you about the one common thread that runs through them all.

l
o
v
e
.

there are days that i hate my job. days where i sit with my cup of coffee, daily newspaper and playhouse disney and think "was this worth it?" there are days when i drive around and think, "can i afford this?" and there are days when i come home and think, "is this all the time i have left?" sometimes, i wonder where my time goes. i wonder why i can barely get to the gym. i wonder why i have more shows on tivo than i have things to do on my things-to-do list. i wonder why it is nearly impossible for me to get to the grocery store, a hardship to call a friend or even a pain to straighten my hair. i wonder why it's so hard to plan things with my boyfriend, why i just can't seem to have enough time to spend with him and why i just can't seem to get closer.

yes, sometimes i wonder if i am placing my time in the right hands, in the right place at the right time.

but now uno is over a year old and he has four new nameless goldfish friends. i live in a new, beautiful apartment with my sister whom i haven't got to spend time with in years. i have two adorable kittens that make coming home to an empty home enjoyable. i drive to work everyday to teach jack how to walk -- no longer is he the little baby sitting there smiling, rocking back and forth. i commute carter around town to teach him that red means stop, green means go and that cows say moo. i leave work and drive painfully to the gym to relax, unwind and feel better about myself -- even if it means that i will stop for a salad on the way home. and then, when i get home -- i will spend it with tivo, penny, maverick and lauren, my sanity after a day of disney. and best of all, whenever all this ends, there is a man who loves me more than anything in this world just simply waiting to talk to me.

you see my friends, above all -- there is love.

forgive yourself for the days when you came home and said, "is this all i did today?" forgive yourself for the time you just couldn't get up and go to the gym. forgive yourself for the moment when you stopped and thought, "no this is not good enough for me." because the truth is, even if you have these moments, you still have love.

whether it's through a beautiful little boy named jack, an energetic individual named carter, a black kitten named penny, a stripped one named mav, a lonely goldfish named uno, a fabulous sister named lauren or a handsome man named tim ... i find myself not only surrounded by love, but given the opportunity daily to return it.

with this day of love that many of us roll our eyes in disgust toward fastly approaching (and i must be truthful in writing that as i typed that, i rolled my eyes out of habit) ... spread a little love.

and you know what, even without trying -- you will.