minus one

so i decided today that everyday is not my day. this morning, while trying to pry myself out of bed yet again, i ramaged through my closet half-awake to put on an outfit that i thought looked pretty decent. very lindsay style, if i may. but twenty minutes into my day, things were going as well as they always seem to.

like every morning, i can't see or figure out which lane the cars are in when i dodge out into the morning commute traffic. my five-minute fast clock only continously makes me complete subtraction in my head as i again realize that i am not on the road as early as i need to be. and even still, the ever-so-slow driving cars once again make me miss the 7:32 light. great, now i have to sit and wait an extra two minutes on my already crunched morning drive.

but without doubt, i arrive at work right on time. just like i do and have done every morning for the past year. at work, things seem to be going ok. i agree to work late for the price of free dinner. and though my attempt to not eat has seemingly been going well for quite some time, the thought of alice springs chicken or monterrey ranch fajitas make my mouth water. and with that, i realize i will always be fat.

bring on the outback.

after my gym (also known as rich mom's daycare), i take the boys to mcallisters for lunch. as i'm sitting there, i remember that the last time i was here my now ex-boyfriend called me stranded in tennessee after getting in a car wreck in his sister's car. today, i have no idea where he is, what he is driving or what he is doing. yet as i break away from my endless thoughts, somehow, carter miraculously has eaten his entire hotdog and is now asking for some of jack's meat sticks.

yes, you read that right. gerber named one of it's products -- meat sticks. and the fact that my three year old begs for them, makes me cringe. this was the first sign that today was no ordinary day. he eats all of his lunch and then begs for a food without a clear definition of what it is.

when lunch ends, i begin the makeshift mommy trick of cleaning the table, packing the bag, toting the baby on the hip while making sure the toddler remembers buzz. all the while, not forgetting the coach diaper bag, balancing the glass of water and carrying the high chair back where it goes. now, may i also remind you that during the process, i passed by two people who work here. one who didn't even so much as look at me as i edged past, the other who looked all too anxious to get out of my way.

with the high chair dropped off, i then attempted to snake past the line forming from the registers to the door. in my way one man stood, completely unaware of my yelling "carter, come here!" or of jack's screaming "aaaaahhh" as we exit. perhaps his mind had more precious places to be. once past him, i then managed to run into another moron, who this time almost knocked down the larger-than-life advertisment while cutting up with his friends. "don't mind me," i thought, when in reality i wanted to scream "grow up and get a kid."

finally i could see the light at the end of the tunnel -- a beautiful red exit sign and the baby blue sky ahead. unfortunately, standing right in front of the doors were again two more idiots, neither talking to one another or on their cell phones. now whereas i will say i was raised in a world that says -- open doors for girls -- just flat out common sense tells me -- opens doors for anyone without a hand to open it. despite my education and clearly their lack of, these two "gentlemen" neither opened the door nor moved out of my way so that i could push it open with my butt without first my asking.

once outside, i decided apparently i either looked like i was superwoman and needed no help or my super power of invisibility had finally kicked in. "ok carter, when you grow up -- always open doors for girls," i proclaimed on our trek back to the bat mobile. "and remember, if someone is trying to get a baby, a three-year-old and a glass of water to the car all in one piece, she is not necessarily invisible!"

he looked up at me and said with a smile, "ok, deal miss lindsay."

and while i have no idea where all the gentlemen have gone or where on earth the one gentlemen i used to know has joined them, one thing is for certain -- if this is what the world has to offer in the boy department, i'm staying minus one.

heart of worship

almost a year and a half ago, i announced my relationship with the world through this message board. i have since told you of stories from that january day ... of love, pain, joy and sadness. but today, i feel that it is only fair to myself, my readers and my love language of verse to tell the world in the same manner of the day the music died.

many people would probably sit at their computers and think "my god, this woman is crazy! she is just laying it all on the lines, telling the whole world that the love that she knew is in a far unknown place." the truth is, if i don't sit down and write about it, then i will trick myself into thinking that it never happened in the first place.

i loved him with all my heart.
i love him with all i have.

but somewhere along this road, he decided that i was not the best for him. he believes that he is in an undescribable place right now, and for my own interest, health and well-being, i cannot join him there. yet, for me this is a challenge like no other; however, a wish i can neither protest nor change despite my desire.

today, i don't write for sympathy. i don't ask for comments, voicemails or dinner dates. instead, i write with one simple message: a plea for you to seek god in all you do and to love beyond all you have.

you see, for me i was raised a christian -- blessed with a christian mother, a christian church and a christian lifestyle. yet, by no means did that make my life perfect. instead, with every step i took, i feared that i was failing god. in the back of my mind, i thought that if i did something remotely wrong, i wasn't saved and god would turn his face. i had a hard time establishing relationships with people, and an even harder time finding confidence in my own relationship with myself.

and after four years of college not seeking god, i have moved home to find him more passionately interested in me then ever before. and while i have been desperately looking for a better relationship with god, i thought that other things of this life would fall in place too without constant nuturing and love. yet naive like a child, i failed to realize that while my spiritual walk was enhancing, his was falling by the wayside.

and that makes for a dead end.

i look back on the time spent with him, and again i blame myself. i think, "i could have done this better, said this easier, loved him harder." there are times when i sit and cry simply because "what if" by 112 comes over my speakers. other times, i want to kick, scream and fight because i feel like i was a fool for believing in a perfect love. then of course, there are the times when i feel that any minute i will wake-up, he will be there to comfort me and i will realize it was all a dream.

and while i know this is hard for me, i also know that it is tough for him on a different level. by all means, its not everyday that someone breaks up with the person he loves because he says he loves her and wants to spend the rest of his life with her. and while its not everyday, the sad thing is it was my day.

however, what i am learning in this short, unbareable time is that while we all have a laundry list of things to complete, there is nothing that can be accomplished without the power of god. some of us are the isaiah's who proclaim, "here i am lord, send me." some of us are the david's, who are blessed with being "the man after god's own heart," even despite his adulterous ways. some of us are the job's, boiling with blisters and crying out to the lord, "woe is me." and even still, some of us are the jonah's, running from the call of the lord, only to end up doing it the hard way.

you see, while some of you may not believe in god, i passionately believe that he is the only way. i believe that nothing happens for a reason, and that all things -- whether good or bad -- are orchestrated according to his plan, not mine.

even though it doesn't make this situation any easier.

but what it does do is create a sense of unexplainable peace amongst the pain. it gives me hope that god is in control and once again, it brings me to my knees asking god to have mercy and grace on me and my loved ones. my prayer for this halted relationship is one of renewal, self-discovery and a reconnection like no other. yet, i know that it will never occur if we don't first realize that nothing comes without first believing in god.

yes, i could have loved more.
yes, i could have changed my tone.
yes, i could have been there stronger.

but now, i am left without much -- sitting here thinking that there must be something better than this. and there is -- its a relationship with god. i'm learning how to pray again, learning how to believe more, and learning how to rejoice even in the dark times.

my prayer now is that so is he.