heart of worship

almost a year and a half ago, i announced my relationship with the world through this message board. i have since told you of stories from that january day ... of love, pain, joy and sadness. but today, i feel that it is only fair to myself, my readers and my love language of verse to tell the world in the same manner of the day the music died.

many people would probably sit at their computers and think "my god, this woman is crazy! she is just laying it all on the lines, telling the whole world that the love that she knew is in a far unknown place." the truth is, if i don't sit down and write about it, then i will trick myself into thinking that it never happened in the first place.

i loved him with all my heart.
i love him with all i have.

but somewhere along this road, he decided that i was not the best for him. he believes that he is in an undescribable place right now, and for my own interest, health and well-being, i cannot join him there. yet, for me this is a challenge like no other; however, a wish i can neither protest nor change despite my desire.

today, i don't write for sympathy. i don't ask for comments, voicemails or dinner dates. instead, i write with one simple message: a plea for you to seek god in all you do and to love beyond all you have.

you see, for me i was raised a christian -- blessed with a christian mother, a christian church and a christian lifestyle. yet, by no means did that make my life perfect. instead, with every step i took, i feared that i was failing god. in the back of my mind, i thought that if i did something remotely wrong, i wasn't saved and god would turn his face. i had a hard time establishing relationships with people, and an even harder time finding confidence in my own relationship with myself.

and after four years of college not seeking god, i have moved home to find him more passionately interested in me then ever before. and while i have been desperately looking for a better relationship with god, i thought that other things of this life would fall in place too without constant nuturing and love. yet naive like a child, i failed to realize that while my spiritual walk was enhancing, his was falling by the wayside.

and that makes for a dead end.

i look back on the time spent with him, and again i blame myself. i think, "i could have done this better, said this easier, loved him harder." there are times when i sit and cry simply because "what if" by 112 comes over my speakers. other times, i want to kick, scream and fight because i feel like i was a fool for believing in a perfect love. then of course, there are the times when i feel that any minute i will wake-up, he will be there to comfort me and i will realize it was all a dream.

and while i know this is hard for me, i also know that it is tough for him on a different level. by all means, its not everyday that someone breaks up with the person he loves because he says he loves her and wants to spend the rest of his life with her. and while its not everyday, the sad thing is it was my day.

however, what i am learning in this short, unbareable time is that while we all have a laundry list of things to complete, there is nothing that can be accomplished without the power of god. some of us are the isaiah's who proclaim, "here i am lord, send me." some of us are the david's, who are blessed with being "the man after god's own heart," even despite his adulterous ways. some of us are the job's, boiling with blisters and crying out to the lord, "woe is me." and even still, some of us are the jonah's, running from the call of the lord, only to end up doing it the hard way.

you see, while some of you may not believe in god, i passionately believe that he is the only way. i believe that nothing happens for a reason, and that all things -- whether good or bad -- are orchestrated according to his plan, not mine.

even though it doesn't make this situation any easier.

but what it does do is create a sense of unexplainable peace amongst the pain. it gives me hope that god is in control and once again, it brings me to my knees asking god to have mercy and grace on me and my loved ones. my prayer for this halted relationship is one of renewal, self-discovery and a reconnection like no other. yet, i know that it will never occur if we don't first realize that nothing comes without first believing in god.

yes, i could have loved more.
yes, i could have changed my tone.
yes, i could have been there stronger.

but now, i am left without much -- sitting here thinking that there must be something better than this. and there is -- its a relationship with god. i'm learning how to pray again, learning how to believe more, and learning how to rejoice even in the dark times.

my prayer now is that so is he.