"just as you are."

with age, comes change.
with change, comes memory.
with memory, comes wonder.

many times, i look at my life and think "wow, i have really made something of myself." i remember setting goals when i was sixteen that i wanted to grow up, move to new york and own my own magazine. now, i am 23, i have written, edited and worked on design with six different magazines and currently am the editor of a brand new magazine.

though i dont live in new york, my dream has gradually become a reality through many years of hard work and determination. and though i had a wonderful opportunity to move to new york two years ago and work for a magazine, i decided to trade love for adventure. not just the love of my almost-three-year relationship, but the love of a family, friends, familiarity and sense of belonging to my city, community and world.

to move to new york would have been a great change. it would have also been a great step to a dream. but in that moment, i realized that dreams are meant to change. and with my aging process, the change soon started to feel more and more like the dream i had planned in school years before.

yet, despite this happiness that i have, thanks to the ever-knowing world of technology, sometimes my accomplishments feel like they fall short. when instant messaging started back in the late 1990s, it revolutionized the way my generation viewed communication. we went from face-to-face, passing notes in the hallway, call you when i get home conversations to anytime, anywhere, leave-me-a-message if i am not there.

from there, we started stalking our friends, knowing where they were due to the ever-popular away message. even though we gave up some of our privacy, we still managed suspense as humanity. then all that changed.

i was sitting in the library attempting to study for fall exams in 2005, but found myself tracking the presidential race online alongside a friend of mine. i decided that i was wasting time in the library and decided to go home and give in to my cnn addiction. on my way out the door, a very close friend of mine stopped me and said "hey lindsay, are you on facebook?"

this guru friend of mine is still notorious for finding things just before their big break. i had never heard of this phenomenon, and at the time, not many others had either. only certain colleges were allowed to register, and mine was one. i remember going home, going to the website and thinking "absolutely not!"

then, in the spring of that year, this same friend and i were in a class that we like to refer to as "the death of us all." sitting in internet and society, crawling to graduation, my friend decided to set up a facebook profile for me. without my knowing. and of course, like all things, i eventually got hooked.

today, i still use facebook - and despite my attempt to get away from it, i now find it on my blackberry as well. i will admit i have enjoyed staying in touch with my current friends, but then, there is also a part of me that hates this medium. because so many people i have lost touch with have now reconnected with me in whatever way, sometimes, i feel like by being connected to this world, i have given up a sense of who i am to return to the thought of who i used to be.

i often find myself searching through old classmates photos, and nine times out of 10, see that they have went on to graduate, marry and have children. and though i couldnt be more happier for their personal lifestyles, it sometimes scares me to think that these very friends i used to dream with now have accomplished so many more, different things.

do i want to get married? eventually.
do i want to have children? god willing.

but (and theres always a but), somewhere along my path, my dream started focusing on my being. and my personal life became a little bonus. yet, when i find myself scrolling through these pictures, seeing the wedding gowns and learning the new last names - theres a part of my being (i think because i am female and we were innately trained to grow up, get married and have children) that thinks -- maybe ive fallen short.

and then it happens, this change brings on memory. memory of what used to be. memory of who i was then, how i acted, what i did. and from there, without fail, wonder sets in. and i wonder, do i really have it all?

i shut my computer, and i start to think. maybe my dream was selfish. maybe i was too busy working to find this love. maybe i have let multiple opportunities to have it all pass me by.

as i fall deeper and deeper into wonder, i start to think that i have many things that i must do to reverse this curse.
and then my phone rings. a loved one calls.
and then an email comes. my stories were finished by deadline.
and then my cat crawls up on my lap, to snuggle.

and once again i return to the age part of the cycle, and remember that i do have it all.
i have the very all that i wanted. that i took time to create. flaws and all. and what makes my all so special is the fact that its mine. and my road has a personal history that is not measured by a wedding gown, a baby or a new last name alone.

and should you find yourself lost in pictures of friends long gone, it is my hope that you too find that you have it all. not the all that you were supposed to have, but the all that you have created - right now, just as you are.

a new beginning.

it's sad to say that i have not blogged since august of last year. and for that, like always, i apologize. since then, much has changed. and to that extent, much has remained the same. but i feel before i share any more life lessons or entertaining stories, i should at least update you thus far.

i have officially passed the torch of raising the boys on to a more qualified family member, though never forgetting them. i'd like to think that one day, i will dedicate a memoir or editorial to both carter and jack to thank them for all the things i learned from them. with them, i achieved greatness. they taught me how to be a kid again. they taught me how to enjoy the simple things, like a bouncy ball, a kids meal, a ride around the carousel.

they also told me more important lessons, like how impressionable are humans, how unmeasurable is love and how critical it is to learn at every age. i watched them grow up, learn my name, know me by my voice. i have learned to love them, they have learned to love me and i will forever hold them in my heart.

now, i am a pursuing a more "grown-up" lifestyle and career. i have started working retail in the local mall, greatly enjoying the company of my co-workers, the creativity that it allows and socialization that it provides. already in a month, the words and phrases of "janky," "hot mess," and "right?!" have already started to trickle their way into my vernacular. perhaps one day, these very people who use these terms throughout the day will be avid readers of my blog. and when they are, they will greatly appreciate this shout-out.

more importantly, putting the government's money to use, i am pursuing a full-time journalism career. i am writing and editing for a magazine, and to that end, am thrilled. center city living is a new, glossy, full-color magazine coming out this winter about the thriving uptown of charlotte. check out our website www.centercitymagazine.com and be sure to follow my life there.

but for now, that's about it. this is still me. this is still the same blog that you all love. i just feel its time for a new start, a better routine and a greater development of my passion for writing. though i have been absent for periods of time, for two years now, this has been my joy. i am honored to entertain my friends and family members with the things that constantly fill my head. and it is my hope, you will continue to follow my life's journey as i express it all by doing something i love.

i have missed you all.