explanationless

these days, my life is so far from youth i have a hard time talking to friends on the phone since my mere social life is but a dream. these days, my social life consists of dr.phil and relating to the newlywed couples who just cant seem to get it together. instead of chatting with my girlfriends over cocktails, i wipe snot off of two little boys who are more close to me than just about anyone.

while my life seems to be semi-stressed these days over finaces, my career choices and my long-term future ... i still seem to find time to note the simple, precious things in life. last week, jack officially learned how to crawl. the only sad thing about this situation (minus the fact that he only crawled to reach an empty box of juicy juice on the floor) is that i, his nanny, witnessed his first crawling. tears of joy flooded my eyes as my little precious figured out how to take his rocking back in forth into a full-fledged motion forward. thanks to modern technology, i recorded the action on my handy-dandy razor phone and sent the flix to his parents busy out in the workforce.

to add to his successes ... this week, jack learned how to sit-up. i left him on his faithful white comforter for just a split second the other morning so that i could go grab something out of the next room. seconds later when i returned, jack was sitting upward, hands flapping in the air -- laughing. he was so proud of himself.

another witnessed first and another strength demonstrated.

yet while jack and i have become incredibly close this week (with him even crying as i leave the room), i have to become slightly bothered by his displays of strengths and my apparent weaknesses. within a few short weeks, my other half and i have made the decision to redirect his career paths -- as he left behind car sales to enter the world of real estate. now faced with two rents on a struggling income, we are faced with whats its really like to live in the real world.

previously, whenever i felt depressed or stressed about life (finances included), i went out and bought a pair of shoes to make me feel better about my windling bank account. yes, i know it makes no sense to spend money when you are worried about having none. yet this specific form of psychology worked with perfection every time. now, with bills up to my ears and the worry that i will never make it to the top of the world, i have exchanged my pairs of shoes for dreams of one day seeing all my hard work paid off.

unfortunately, this time around i have no inspiring anecedotes or reality lessons to explain my rut. nor do i possess wise words of widsom of how to overcome the nearest trial. instead, this time around i am a mere writer expressing what its like to be without.

without shoes.
without credit card free lives.
without strength.

instead, i am a young graduate not packing my bags to head back to school after a summer filled with fun. i am a young woman learning how to survive in this new world -- where the world is unkind, the decisions made are unforgiving and the road is narrow.

perhaps all too often we expect things to be great. we assume everything will work out when we say so. and while i am a firm believer in faith, and i believe that everything happens for a reason -- perhaps we all too often forget that even in our weakness, there is reason.

today, i am weak. i am broken. i am stressed.
yet today, i will continue to move forward. continue to turn my rocking into motion and continue to smile for the little precious angels who need me the most.

for even in my weakness, life goes on.
and i cannot help but anticipate the day when my weakness will explain its reason.