sometimes, i fall into these pits. pits that make it hard to function; that make me want to scream; make me wonder why i am in the place i am. i'm only 23, i don't have a lot of money and sometimes, making it from day-to-day is tough. (perhaps, my shoe closet is to blame for that.)
either way, sometimes it's really annoying when i feel like there are issues coming at every angle. this week has been one of those pits. i have felt swallowed by finances, outrageous gas prices and a lease ending too soon. with an ideal house lined up, i found myself getting cold feet, not wanting to marry a house, in an area i felt i would tire of and with a market as flopsy as a dog's ears.
i didn't think it was possible to have commitment-phobia toward a house. but then again, i get tired of my bed being in the same place after a few months. so running from the altar, i let it go. the thought of leasing-to-own or owning in general scared the hell out of me and i decided that a renter's home is a comforted heart. but, with one mental misery out of the way, i was still faced with the obstacle of finding a place to live in a short period.
again, problem merely solved when i fell in love with a great place and signed a lease in the same day. problem created when the realization hit me that i had to have double rent because i would be renting from two places at the same time.
sinking faller into the pit.
bummer not only because i had increased my financial stress for the month, but now i would have to debate the fabulous pair of shoes i planned to don at jenna's wedding. (i mean, come on, i haven't seen some of these people in years! a girl's gotta have her shoes!)
so on the way home to my first home tonight, i started thinking "why do you jump into things before you are financially stable? why not wait and save your money? why not be more frugal? what are you going to do for two month's rent?"
now deeper and deeper into my mental pit.
i started to scare myself and wonder if i would ever make it. on one end, i am a magazine editor, live a fabulous life with fabulous loves, family and friends (and shoes). but on the other end, i am constantly exhausting myself out with the possibility of what can be, might be or should be.
and then, pulling into bloom, i got my answer. or better yet, a revelation.
there in a mud puddle about the size of a kitchen sink, close to a busy highway, i saw baby canadian geese swimming. they're was barely room for them, and yet they paddled around the water as if they were in the biggest of lakes. they weren't aware of the rushing traffic. they didn't care the water was dirty. they didn't even seem to mind it wasn't a lake. yet, they found comfort in the water and security in knowing that just feet away momma and daddy geese sat perched, watching every car and making sure every baby was accounted for.
and that's when i realized - i might not have it all. i might not be in the big pond, swimming in crystal blue water. but i am in the middle of what i have and though there are obstacles and dangers all around, someone is watching over me. i don't know that i was looking for a spiritual revelation today as much as i was hoping a thousand dollars would fall from the sky, but i'm glad to see that the former happened.
and just maybe i learned a little lesson from a duck in a puddle.
Friday, May 16, 2008
Thursday, February 14, 2008
for the way you look at me
in honor of the holiday, i am sure you would all deeply enjoy a heartfelt love story. perhaps a great story about how i was swept off my feet. a story of dividing, conquering, all-or-nothing romance.
well, you've come to the wrong place.
the thought of valentine's day makes me cringe. from being in elementary school praying that my paper-plate heart-shaped "mailbox" at the front of my desk would be full to walking around campus in college seeing boys carry flowers and balloons around the brickyard ... valentines has just made me sick and queezy.
but, it is the sacred day of love - and a girl loves to get flowers and chocolate (hitched or sans), so here goes - the top ten things i love.
ten. waking up on a rainy day and finding that the coffee is already made, the couch still has my fleece blanket on it from the previous night and "what not to wear" is running a marathon.
nine. anything "bogo." particularly, shoes.
eight. cleaning up my room, going through things and finding things that make me say, "oh, i remember this day."
seven. good news. i love when someone calls me with something good that i feel that they truly deserved.
six. season changes. particularly, winter to spring. summer to fall. there is nothing more beautiful than a blooming flower and a dying leaf. i truly appreciate the work of god's hand when buds blosom and leaves change.
five. something personal. a hand-written letter, a picture of loved ones, a memento to remember an event. these days, even a phone call or text message from someone estranged seems spectacular.
four. anything with reese's on or in it. reese's could be on my tax form and i'd still love it.
three. chick flicks. perhaps, some people may think this is funny because it's third on my list. but, i cannot deny the art of a well-versed chick flick. the kind that makes you smile through the movie, dream about it at night and think to yourself, "if only i could live in this film for a day." (and you know what i am talking about).
two. learning something new. when i was a nanny, there was never a day that i didn't learn something new. whether it was the love of a child or actually learning what it was like to be a mother, there was never a dull moment. now, working as an editor and a pseudo-decorator, i am constantly learning how better to do things, more efficient ways and better tricks to multiple trades.
one. as cliche as it is, the best thing that i love is knowing that i am loved. there are time when i am down, angered or sad that i think, "there is no way that i can keep going." but then, i realize that there is always someone at home waiting to say, "how was your day?" and a loved one waiting to take your mind off of circumstances. there is nothing more comforting than laughing with friends, reminiscing with family members and being cared for by a significant one.
so here it is. this is my list of the things i love. most likely not the ones that you would expect, but for me - it is perfect.
and may your day of love be perfect, too.
well, you've come to the wrong place.
the thought of valentine's day makes me cringe. from being in elementary school praying that my paper-plate heart-shaped "mailbox" at the front of my desk would be full to walking around campus in college seeing boys carry flowers and balloons around the brickyard ... valentines has just made me sick and queezy.
but, it is the sacred day of love - and a girl loves to get flowers and chocolate (hitched or sans), so here goes - the top ten things i love.
ten. waking up on a rainy day and finding that the coffee is already made, the couch still has my fleece blanket on it from the previous night and "what not to wear" is running a marathon.
nine. anything "bogo." particularly, shoes.
eight. cleaning up my room, going through things and finding things that make me say, "oh, i remember this day."
seven. good news. i love when someone calls me with something good that i feel that they truly deserved.
six. season changes. particularly, winter to spring. summer to fall. there is nothing more beautiful than a blooming flower and a dying leaf. i truly appreciate the work of god's hand when buds blosom and leaves change.
five. something personal. a hand-written letter, a picture of loved ones, a memento to remember an event. these days, even a phone call or text message from someone estranged seems spectacular.
four. anything with reese's on or in it. reese's could be on my tax form and i'd still love it.
three. chick flicks. perhaps, some people may think this is funny because it's third on my list. but, i cannot deny the art of a well-versed chick flick. the kind that makes you smile through the movie, dream about it at night and think to yourself, "if only i could live in this film for a day." (and you know what i am talking about).
two. learning something new. when i was a nanny, there was never a day that i didn't learn something new. whether it was the love of a child or actually learning what it was like to be a mother, there was never a dull moment. now, working as an editor and a pseudo-decorator, i am constantly learning how better to do things, more efficient ways and better tricks to multiple trades.
one. as cliche as it is, the best thing that i love is knowing that i am loved. there are time when i am down, angered or sad that i think, "there is no way that i can keep going." but then, i realize that there is always someone at home waiting to say, "how was your day?" and a loved one waiting to take your mind off of circumstances. there is nothing more comforting than laughing with friends, reminiscing with family members and being cared for by a significant one.
so here it is. this is my list of the things i love. most likely not the ones that you would expect, but for me - it is perfect.
and may your day of love be perfect, too.
Thursday, February 07, 2008
get me there
there are two places that absolutely freak me out. salons and dry cleaners. some of you may laugh, others may wonder "what!? why," but i guarantee you, there are a few people out there that just went, "oh my gosh, me too!" by the end of this entry, at least you'll see my point.
let's back track for a minute. for those of you who know me, you'll know that i love accessories. i love accessories often times more than my outfit. and there was one particular accessory that i was dearly in love with. it was my white coat with black and pink flowers all over it. i purchased the splurge trench while studying in oxford summer of 2004 from a department store called "debenhams." it is known as "britain's favourite department store," and shortly after making my purchase, it became mine too.
after bringing it back to the states and wearing it out (both literally and figuaritively), i decided that it was time my coat took a trip to the dry cleaners. carefully, i checked the tag to make sure that it would be okay. at the dry cleaners, i informed the lady that it was purchased in britain. "no worries," she said. "we can treat it."
treat it, they did. three days later, i went to pick up my luxury item to find nothing but a rag in its place. there, wrapped in cellophane, as if a slap in the face, was a off-white coat with what appeared to be dirty flowers. the color ... completely gone. the elegance ... ruined by the machines. it looked as if a worker took the coat and went sledding in the mud. then bleached it once they saw what happened.
needless to say i was livid. but alas, there was nothing the cleaners could do. it was ruined and my fear of dry cleaners was sparked forever. years later, back to just a few months ago, i took my beautiful down comforter to the cleaners. i was so panicked to drop it off, that i drove around with it in my trunk for over two weeks, trying to get up the nerve.
like a mother dropping off a baby, i finally let it go thinking, "dear God, if this comes back off-white, i'm starting a real dry cleaning business." again, i warn the lady that it's down and that if she is unable to treat it, please don't agree to take it. but, she says she can handle it.
i leave. and say a prayer.
on the flip side, there is the salon. i am not sure if this one trumps the cleaners, though i do love my hair as well. it seems that no matter where i go and who i go to, i have the greatest fear that when i leave the salon, i will need to visit the wig shop. i can not even begin to tell you the anxiety that comes over me as i sit in that chair and try to explain how i want my hair fixed. and i've tried it all - from friends to strangers, top of the line to coupon cuts. but no matter where i go, it's the same scenario.
beautician: what do you want done today?
me: just some reshaping. it's curly. i don't want the 'triangle' look.
beautician: ok, i'm going to cut it dry.
me: WHAT!?
from there, it goes downhill. it's as if, hair stylists ask, but don't listen. and no disrespect to them, but it scares me to give my control away. and then to think, i am paying them for this. i am paying to lose control. and sitting in the chair today, having these exact same feelings rush over me, the lightbulb comes on. "stop paying to lose control!"
if only salons and dry cleaners could pay me. as if a, "thanks for letting us control this that belongs to you."
yet, despite the anxiety attacks (and the rare bleached coats), i have to say that overall, i end up pleased with the services of salons and dry cleaners. a cleaned, bright white bedspread back on the bed and no longer in the trunk. a shaped hairstyle, instead of a triangle tucked away by bobbypins. but, like going to the gym ... it's only good once i'm in the door. and the hardest part is getting me there.
let's back track for a minute. for those of you who know me, you'll know that i love accessories. i love accessories often times more than my outfit. and there was one particular accessory that i was dearly in love with. it was my white coat with black and pink flowers all over it. i purchased the splurge trench while studying in oxford summer of 2004 from a department store called "debenhams." it is known as "britain's favourite department store," and shortly after making my purchase, it became mine too.
after bringing it back to the states and wearing it out (both literally and figuaritively), i decided that it was time my coat took a trip to the dry cleaners. carefully, i checked the tag to make sure that it would be okay. at the dry cleaners, i informed the lady that it was purchased in britain. "no worries," she said. "we can treat it."
treat it, they did. three days later, i went to pick up my luxury item to find nothing but a rag in its place. there, wrapped in cellophane, as if a slap in the face, was a off-white coat with what appeared to be dirty flowers. the color ... completely gone. the elegance ... ruined by the machines. it looked as if a worker took the coat and went sledding in the mud. then bleached it once they saw what happened.
needless to say i was livid. but alas, there was nothing the cleaners could do. it was ruined and my fear of dry cleaners was sparked forever. years later, back to just a few months ago, i took my beautiful down comforter to the cleaners. i was so panicked to drop it off, that i drove around with it in my trunk for over two weeks, trying to get up the nerve.
like a mother dropping off a baby, i finally let it go thinking, "dear God, if this comes back off-white, i'm starting a real dry cleaning business." again, i warn the lady that it's down and that if she is unable to treat it, please don't agree to take it. but, she says she can handle it.
i leave. and say a prayer.
on the flip side, there is the salon. i am not sure if this one trumps the cleaners, though i do love my hair as well. it seems that no matter where i go and who i go to, i have the greatest fear that when i leave the salon, i will need to visit the wig shop. i can not even begin to tell you the anxiety that comes over me as i sit in that chair and try to explain how i want my hair fixed. and i've tried it all - from friends to strangers, top of the line to coupon cuts. but no matter where i go, it's the same scenario.
beautician: what do you want done today?
me: just some reshaping. it's curly. i don't want the 'triangle' look.
beautician: ok, i'm going to cut it dry.
me: WHAT!?
from there, it goes downhill. it's as if, hair stylists ask, but don't listen. and no disrespect to them, but it scares me to give my control away. and then to think, i am paying them for this. i am paying to lose control. and sitting in the chair today, having these exact same feelings rush over me, the lightbulb comes on. "stop paying to lose control!"
if only salons and dry cleaners could pay me. as if a, "thanks for letting us control this that belongs to you."
yet, despite the anxiety attacks (and the rare bleached coats), i have to say that overall, i end up pleased with the services of salons and dry cleaners. a cleaned, bright white bedspread back on the bed and no longer in the trunk. a shaped hairstyle, instead of a triangle tucked away by bobbypins. but, like going to the gym ... it's only good once i'm in the door. and the hardest part is getting me there.
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
to work or not to work.
yesterday, while sitting on my couch, enjoying my day off - i sat here thinking, "man, i love this life." i got to sleep in, started the day off with some good ol' dr. phil, and enjoyed laying around in my pajamas. about twenty minutes after waking up, my publisher e-mails me that he will not be in attendance to the meeting that he set up on thursday. minutes later, i remember that i forgot to schedule a photographer. seems the only thing i remembered to do accurately was to purchase my outfit for my debut interview with professional athletes (and forget not, i have a HUGE crush on one!)
so much for laying around. immediately i go into panic mode, attempt to find a replacement to go with me to calm my nerves - and schedule a photographer within three days of a massive event. so much for being prompt. soon after panic mode, lauren saves the day by agreeing that she will go with me. thank god for another connection to sports and the media. one task down, many to go. about an hour later, while still makeup-less and in pajamas, my publisher asks if i can come into the office to take a picture for my identification badge that i'll need on thursday.
oh god. i look a "hot mess."
like a miracle, thirty minutes later i am out the door. rushing ... to work. on the way there, my manager calls and asks if i can work tomorrow. unfortunately, i cannot. for an unknown reason even to myself, i scheduled a trip into my past to watch the boys on yet another, day off. now, i'm stuck thinking, "why, oh why, do i do this to myself?"
after getting my id badge, i get lost on my way to my publisher's office. thinking i knew where i was going, only to later realize that my boss moved offices without telling me, i look like a lost mice in a maze of cubicles. and feel incredibly stupid when he has to call me ten feet away to guide me to his new mouse hole.
out the door, and back home to enjoy the rest of my so called day off - and i realize, there's no way i'll get a photographer. "oh well, i'll just go and be star struck. at least i'll look cute," i think to myself. back at home, i then remember that i postponed my other work to go into the office for my other job. two hours later, i have given up and think to myself, "i should have just went to work."
three days ago, i was top sales for the day on a day that i didn't even punch in. now, on a day off, i realize that i had more work than if i was actually at work, getting paid. perhaps i'll start a new trend. work when i am not supposed to work. don't work when i should.
i'll keep you posted on how that goes.
'til then, it's back to dr. phil and relaxing. never mind the fact, that today i am actually getting paid for it.
so far, so good.
so much for laying around. immediately i go into panic mode, attempt to find a replacement to go with me to calm my nerves - and schedule a photographer within three days of a massive event. so much for being prompt. soon after panic mode, lauren saves the day by agreeing that she will go with me. thank god for another connection to sports and the media. one task down, many to go. about an hour later, while still makeup-less and in pajamas, my publisher asks if i can come into the office to take a picture for my identification badge that i'll need on thursday.
oh god. i look a "hot mess."
like a miracle, thirty minutes later i am out the door. rushing ... to work. on the way there, my manager calls and asks if i can work tomorrow. unfortunately, i cannot. for an unknown reason even to myself, i scheduled a trip into my past to watch the boys on yet another, day off. now, i'm stuck thinking, "why, oh why, do i do this to myself?"
after getting my id badge, i get lost on my way to my publisher's office. thinking i knew where i was going, only to later realize that my boss moved offices without telling me, i look like a lost mice in a maze of cubicles. and feel incredibly stupid when he has to call me ten feet away to guide me to his new mouse hole.
out the door, and back home to enjoy the rest of my so called day off - and i realize, there's no way i'll get a photographer. "oh well, i'll just go and be star struck. at least i'll look cute," i think to myself. back at home, i then remember that i postponed my other work to go into the office for my other job. two hours later, i have given up and think to myself, "i should have just went to work."
three days ago, i was top sales for the day on a day that i didn't even punch in. now, on a day off, i realize that i had more work than if i was actually at work, getting paid. perhaps i'll start a new trend. work when i am not supposed to work. don't work when i should.
i'll keep you posted on how that goes.
'til then, it's back to dr. phil and relaxing. never mind the fact, that today i am actually getting paid for it.
so far, so good.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
"just as you are."
with age, comes change.
with change, comes memory.
with memory, comes wonder.
many times, i look at my life and think "wow, i have really made something of myself." i remember setting goals when i was sixteen that i wanted to grow up, move to new york and own my own magazine. now, i am 23, i have written, edited and worked on design with six different magazines and currently am the editor of a brand new magazine.
though i dont live in new york, my dream has gradually become a reality through many years of hard work and determination. and though i had a wonderful opportunity to move to new york two years ago and work for a magazine, i decided to trade love for adventure. not just the love of my almost-three-year relationship, but the love of a family, friends, familiarity and sense of belonging to my city, community and world.
to move to new york would have been a great change. it would have also been a great step to a dream. but in that moment, i realized that dreams are meant to change. and with my aging process, the change soon started to feel more and more like the dream i had planned in school years before.
yet, despite this happiness that i have, thanks to the ever-knowing world of technology, sometimes my accomplishments feel like they fall short. when instant messaging started back in the late 1990s, it revolutionized the way my generation viewed communication. we went from face-to-face, passing notes in the hallway, call you when i get home conversations to anytime, anywhere, leave-me-a-message if i am not there.
from there, we started stalking our friends, knowing where they were due to the ever-popular away message. even though we gave up some of our privacy, we still managed suspense as humanity. then all that changed.
i was sitting in the library attempting to study for fall exams in 2005, but found myself tracking the presidential race online alongside a friend of mine. i decided that i was wasting time in the library and decided to go home and give in to my cnn addiction. on my way out the door, a very close friend of mine stopped me and said "hey lindsay, are you on facebook?"
this guru friend of mine is still notorious for finding things just before their big break. i had never heard of this phenomenon, and at the time, not many others had either. only certain colleges were allowed to register, and mine was one. i remember going home, going to the website and thinking "absolutely not!"
then, in the spring of that year, this same friend and i were in a class that we like to refer to as "the death of us all." sitting in internet and society, crawling to graduation, my friend decided to set up a facebook profile for me. without my knowing. and of course, like all things, i eventually got hooked.
today, i still use facebook - and despite my attempt to get away from it, i now find it on my blackberry as well. i will admit i have enjoyed staying in touch with my current friends, but then, there is also a part of me that hates this medium. because so many people i have lost touch with have now reconnected with me in whatever way, sometimes, i feel like by being connected to this world, i have given up a sense of who i am to return to the thought of who i used to be.
i often find myself searching through old classmates photos, and nine times out of 10, see that they have went on to graduate, marry and have children. and though i couldnt be more happier for their personal lifestyles, it sometimes scares me to think that these very friends i used to dream with now have accomplished so many more, different things.
do i want to get married? eventually.
do i want to have children? god willing.
but (and theres always a but), somewhere along my path, my dream started focusing on my being. and my personal life became a little bonus. yet, when i find myself scrolling through these pictures, seeing the wedding gowns and learning the new last names - theres a part of my being (i think because i am female and we were innately trained to grow up, get married and have children) that thinks -- maybe ive fallen short.
and then it happens, this change brings on memory. memory of what used to be. memory of who i was then, how i acted, what i did. and from there, without fail, wonder sets in. and i wonder, do i really have it all?
i shut my computer, and i start to think. maybe my dream was selfish. maybe i was too busy working to find this love. maybe i have let multiple opportunities to have it all pass me by.
as i fall deeper and deeper into wonder, i start to think that i have many things that i must do to reverse this curse.
and then my phone rings. a loved one calls.
and then an email comes. my stories were finished by deadline.
and then my cat crawls up on my lap, to snuggle.
and once again i return to the age part of the cycle, and remember that i do have it all.
i have the very all that i wanted. that i took time to create. flaws and all. and what makes my all so special is the fact that its mine. and my road has a personal history that is not measured by a wedding gown, a baby or a new last name alone.
and should you find yourself lost in pictures of friends long gone, it is my hope that you too find that you have it all. not the all that you were supposed to have, but the all that you have created - right now, just as you are.
with change, comes memory.
with memory, comes wonder.
many times, i look at my life and think "wow, i have really made something of myself." i remember setting goals when i was sixteen that i wanted to grow up, move to new york and own my own magazine. now, i am 23, i have written, edited and worked on design with six different magazines and currently am the editor of a brand new magazine.
though i dont live in new york, my dream has gradually become a reality through many years of hard work and determination. and though i had a wonderful opportunity to move to new york two years ago and work for a magazine, i decided to trade love for adventure. not just the love of my almost-three-year relationship, but the love of a family, friends, familiarity and sense of belonging to my city, community and world.
to move to new york would have been a great change. it would have also been a great step to a dream. but in that moment, i realized that dreams are meant to change. and with my aging process, the change soon started to feel more and more like the dream i had planned in school years before.
yet, despite this happiness that i have, thanks to the ever-knowing world of technology, sometimes my accomplishments feel like they fall short. when instant messaging started back in the late 1990s, it revolutionized the way my generation viewed communication. we went from face-to-face, passing notes in the hallway, call you when i get home conversations to anytime, anywhere, leave-me-a-message if i am not there.
from there, we started stalking our friends, knowing where they were due to the ever-popular away message. even though we gave up some of our privacy, we still managed suspense as humanity. then all that changed.
i was sitting in the library attempting to study for fall exams in 2005, but found myself tracking the presidential race online alongside a friend of mine. i decided that i was wasting time in the library and decided to go home and give in to my cnn addiction. on my way out the door, a very close friend of mine stopped me and said "hey lindsay, are you on facebook?"
this guru friend of mine is still notorious for finding things just before their big break. i had never heard of this phenomenon, and at the time, not many others had either. only certain colleges were allowed to register, and mine was one. i remember going home, going to the website and thinking "absolutely not!"
then, in the spring of that year, this same friend and i were in a class that we like to refer to as "the death of us all." sitting in internet and society, crawling to graduation, my friend decided to set up a facebook profile for me. without my knowing. and of course, like all things, i eventually got hooked.
today, i still use facebook - and despite my attempt to get away from it, i now find it on my blackberry as well. i will admit i have enjoyed staying in touch with my current friends, but then, there is also a part of me that hates this medium. because so many people i have lost touch with have now reconnected with me in whatever way, sometimes, i feel like by being connected to this world, i have given up a sense of who i am to return to the thought of who i used to be.
i often find myself searching through old classmates photos, and nine times out of 10, see that they have went on to graduate, marry and have children. and though i couldnt be more happier for their personal lifestyles, it sometimes scares me to think that these very friends i used to dream with now have accomplished so many more, different things.
do i want to get married? eventually.
do i want to have children? god willing.
but (and theres always a but), somewhere along my path, my dream started focusing on my being. and my personal life became a little bonus. yet, when i find myself scrolling through these pictures, seeing the wedding gowns and learning the new last names - theres a part of my being (i think because i am female and we were innately trained to grow up, get married and have children) that thinks -- maybe ive fallen short.
and then it happens, this change brings on memory. memory of what used to be. memory of who i was then, how i acted, what i did. and from there, without fail, wonder sets in. and i wonder, do i really have it all?
i shut my computer, and i start to think. maybe my dream was selfish. maybe i was too busy working to find this love. maybe i have let multiple opportunities to have it all pass me by.
as i fall deeper and deeper into wonder, i start to think that i have many things that i must do to reverse this curse.
and then my phone rings. a loved one calls.
and then an email comes. my stories were finished by deadline.
and then my cat crawls up on my lap, to snuggle.
and once again i return to the age part of the cycle, and remember that i do have it all.
i have the very all that i wanted. that i took time to create. flaws and all. and what makes my all so special is the fact that its mine. and my road has a personal history that is not measured by a wedding gown, a baby or a new last name alone.
and should you find yourself lost in pictures of friends long gone, it is my hope that you too find that you have it all. not the all that you were supposed to have, but the all that you have created - right now, just as you are.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
a new beginning.
it's sad to say that i have not blogged since august of last year. and for that, like always, i apologize. since then, much has changed. and to that extent, much has remained the same. but i feel before i share any more life lessons or entertaining stories, i should at least update you thus far.
i have officially passed the torch of raising the boys on to a more qualified family member, though never forgetting them. i'd like to think that one day, i will dedicate a memoir or editorial to both carter and jack to thank them for all the things i learned from them. with them, i achieved greatness. they taught me how to be a kid again. they taught me how to enjoy the simple things, like a bouncy ball, a kids meal, a ride around the carousel.
they also told me more important lessons, like how impressionable are humans, how unmeasurable is love and how critical it is to learn at every age. i watched them grow up, learn my name, know me by my voice. i have learned to love them, they have learned to love me and i will forever hold them in my heart.
now, i am a pursuing a more "grown-up" lifestyle and career. i have started working retail in the local mall, greatly enjoying the company of my co-workers, the creativity that it allows and socialization that it provides. already in a month, the words and phrases of "janky," "hot mess," and "right?!" have already started to trickle their way into my vernacular. perhaps one day, these very people who use these terms throughout the day will be avid readers of my blog. and when they are, they will greatly appreciate this shout-out.
more importantly, putting the government's money to use, i am pursuing a full-time journalism career. i am writing and editing for a magazine, and to that end, am thrilled. center city living is a new, glossy, full-color magazine coming out this winter about the thriving uptown of charlotte. check out our website www.centercitymagazine.com and be sure to follow my life there.
but for now, that's about it. this is still me. this is still the same blog that you all love. i just feel its time for a new start, a better routine and a greater development of my passion for writing. though i have been absent for periods of time, for two years now, this has been my joy. i am honored to entertain my friends and family members with the things that constantly fill my head. and it is my hope, you will continue to follow my life's journey as i express it all by doing something i love.
i have missed you all.
i have officially passed the torch of raising the boys on to a more qualified family member, though never forgetting them. i'd like to think that one day, i will dedicate a memoir or editorial to both carter and jack to thank them for all the things i learned from them. with them, i achieved greatness. they taught me how to be a kid again. they taught me how to enjoy the simple things, like a bouncy ball, a kids meal, a ride around the carousel.
they also told me more important lessons, like how impressionable are humans, how unmeasurable is love and how critical it is to learn at every age. i watched them grow up, learn my name, know me by my voice. i have learned to love them, they have learned to love me and i will forever hold them in my heart.
now, i am a pursuing a more "grown-up" lifestyle and career. i have started working retail in the local mall, greatly enjoying the company of my co-workers, the creativity that it allows and socialization that it provides. already in a month, the words and phrases of "janky," "hot mess," and "right?!" have already started to trickle their way into my vernacular. perhaps one day, these very people who use these terms throughout the day will be avid readers of my blog. and when they are, they will greatly appreciate this shout-out.
more importantly, putting the government's money to use, i am pursuing a full-time journalism career. i am writing and editing for a magazine, and to that end, am thrilled. center city living is a new, glossy, full-color magazine coming out this winter about the thriving uptown of charlotte. check out our website www.centercitymagazine.com and be sure to follow my life there.
but for now, that's about it. this is still me. this is still the same blog that you all love. i just feel its time for a new start, a better routine and a greater development of my passion for writing. though i have been absent for periods of time, for two years now, this has been my joy. i am honored to entertain my friends and family members with the things that constantly fill my head. and it is my hope, you will continue to follow my life's journey as i express it all by doing something i love.
i have missed you all.
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
rocky
saturday, while sitting calmly on my couch during an afternoon alone, i heard the door swing open with tim nearly screaming with excitement. "lindsay, come here," he said in sheer joy.
"i just caught a turtle."
being the one ridiculously scared of anything that moves or simply the thought of something moving, i immediately kicked my legs up onto the couch as if this turtle was the new breed that could zip across the room in a mere flash.
just as i began to freak out, and at this point, without a clue of where this turtle was, tim whiped out a taco bell bag into the air as if it was a sword and he must fight off a dragon. with a smile and a "come here, lindsay!" i think to myself, "dear God in heaven, let this be a joke."
no joke. out crawled a box turtle bigger than the size of my hand.
cue freak out mode.
of course, as i screamed in panic this little guy just looked around in sheer disbelief that he was just abducted by aliens all the while trying to cross the road. maverick my kitten came strolling into the room, only to hop up on his counter, turned his dominion, and gaze akwardly at this newfound object. as he neared it, the turtle ducked its tiny head into its shell and my cat took off running.
apparently, my cat has adopted my version of dealing with animals. i pray we never encounter a mouse, should he be that scared of a turtle.
needless to say, tim wanted to add the turtle to our homemade petsmart of two fish and two cats. yet when i calmly explained to him that one, the dinosaur cannot stay because i am scared of it and two, we have nowhere to put it, the excitement from tim's rescue quickly melted away.
in a mere attempt to not ruin his day, but allow the little guy not to suffer either, i suggested to tim that we put him outside on the back porch. i remember when lauren and i moved into our apartment a year ago, we wondered why our back porch was enclosed by a half wall of bricks so high you could not see over it if you were sitting. at this moment, i knew.
it was to keep a turtle.
breaking my saturday afternoon laziness, i went into figure-out-how-to-make-a-turtle-survive-on-your-back-porch mode, including googling about the care of box turtles. within a few short minutes, our porch had turned itno turtle terrarium, complete with a swimming pool, wading pool, ramp for easy access, a box of mulch in which to sleep, and a pile of fresh bananas, lettuce and moist cat food.
what turtle wouldn't want to spend his days here?
for the next few days, the turtle got name, rocky, and the cats became the bodyguards. day in and day out, maverick and penny went from room to room, taking turns watching the turtle through the sliding glass doors. should rocky move or get to close to the kittens, everyone in the apartment knew by the hissing and growling from the two.
a few days went by and we started to realize that rocky wasn't eating. he spent most of the day in his box, very rarely enjoying the luxury of his swimming pools and exquiste cusine. i started to feel bad for the little guy and so i approached tim with the proposal of letting rocky go.
initially, he appeared very sad as if his latest toy had broken. i felt bad for bringing it up, so i thought i should let rocky stay. but the feeling never went away and again i felt like rocky needed a better, open home. this time, tim understood and we agreed to send him and his box off to a better place.
late one night, as rocky slept in his box of mulch, tim picked it up and carried it outside. we took the box and gently tuck it underneath a row of hedges and said our goodbyes.
for a minute i thought, maybe he'll come back. maybe he'll learn to like his box; maybe this is where he feels safe. when we returned a few hours later, he was gone.
even a few day later, the kittens still look out the window, wondering where the weird and slow creature went. they walk from room to room, peeking under the blinds trying to get one more glimpse. then, almost as if saddened, they would turn and walk away.
things quickly returned to normal, yet rocky lingered in our minds.
and truth of the matter is, he probably always will. whenever there's a story to tell, whenever i see another turtle crossing the street, or simply whenever i start to tell my children about how to care for a pet -- i think i'll always go back to the day when rocky brought some extra love and attention into our home.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
twice as nice
i meant to write this two days ago, on the official two year anniversary of the "working on life" blog (complete with a new title, for a new year). i remember when i first started this thing - may 27, 2005 - i was completely unaware if i would ever figure out how to work it, if i would ever continue to write through it and if people would ever even begin to think about reading it. two years later, i have learned how to update my template by adding pictures, i have created over forty life-changing posts and i have a strong fan club that i still write for today.
so to honor my fans, i thought i would take this time to recap and review my top ten moments (and ergo, life lessons) i have learned in two very short years.
number one. the quickest and best way to gain a beautiful, brozen summer-long tan is to be a life guard. ever since i became a nanny, long gone are my days of "what race are you?"
number two. hands-down, without-a-doubt, college is the best time of your life. i cannot believe that it has only been one year since i graduated, but everytime i attend a graduation or talk to a friend from state, i miss home.
number three. you either love children or you dont. and while there are days i want to hurl mine (or my own head) against the wall, i would die for them. they are the most time-consuming, patience-testing and control-driven babies in the world, but they hold a sacred place in my heart.
number four. what you think you will become, may not always be your destiny. for years i said i would go to school, graduate, move to new york and own my own magazine. to date, i have a degree in media communications and journalism, i have turned down an internship in the heart of new york city and became a nanny. while i still have a passion to write, i have learned that my passion is not always my money maker.
number five. love doesnt see color. this has to be one of the biggest lessons i have learned this year, developing a serious and committed relationship with a black man all the while raising children of vietnamese and greek descent. when the four of us walked around in public, people often times looked at us, yet to us -- we were beautiful. and though i was supposed to be celebrating my second anniversary with my handsome boyfriend this july, somewhere along the way, we started to misunderstand one another's needs. now he is off doing his own thing, while i am stuck living my rountine without him. i cant help to think about him and i cannot help but to love him. sometimes i wonder if i would ever find someone else to love, and other times i feel guilty for ever considering the possibility of looking. what makes this colorblind-halted love even more difficult is the strong belief that we are made for each other. to want a love to last and work out, we felt we needed time apart to further ourselves and strengthen our being. yet, out of all the lessons, this one is the hardest. with great respect, admiration, love and support -- i am still learning to let go of the love i knew in hopes of a greater love unknown. to me, he was never anything less that perfect. it was a difficult road getting me to that place -- where i said "it doesnt matter what color he is, how old he is, how tall, smart or rich he is. what matters is that he loves himself, he loves god and he loves me."
number six. the only way for me to lose weight is simply stated - do not eat. i am finally and forthright convinced that god has a plague on my life to maintain my size no matter my calorie intake or my calorie burn-off. despite my strenious exercising, i still manage to maintain my weight. despite my poor eating habits (of chocolate chip cookies and pizza) i still can snug into all of my clothes. therefore, should i really want to drastically change -- not eating works.
number seven. pacu's are the craziest and yet most interesting fish to own in an at-home aquarium. cousin to the pirana, tim and i purchased a quarter-sized pacu from walmart over fourteen months ago. he thought it was cool looking, i thought it was only $2.87. now, thirteen months later - i have learned that this fish not only has teeth that he uses to chomp through goldfish, minnows, broccoli, asparagus, romanine lettuce and cucumbers, but he also has grown beyond the size of my hand. i have spent hundreds on this giant, that i now know can grow up to two feet long and live for up to twenty years. though the center of attention at my house (even beyond the kittens), he is not for the average aquarium person.
number eight. kittens can be the one thing that keeps you from diving into depression when you feel like your world is coming crashing down. yes, in two years, there has been many ups and downs. whether it was adjusting to life at home, dealing with a stressful job, coping with loss love or simply refinding myself -- my adorable, sweet and ever-so-spoiled penny and maverick were there to wake me up, lay by me at night and cuddle with me by day.
number nine. money isnt everything. this lesson was one that i always knew, yet one that never hit home like it did this past year. for the first time in my entire life, i learned what it was like to pay all my bills. to purchase things in my name. to have debt. to sign without a co-signer. to live without insurance. for the first time in 22 years, i have begun to tip the iceberg on what its like not to dream for what you want one day, but to live with what you have. i have seen people with a life full of riches and wealth fall by the wayside because they couldnt contain their love of money for the love of their family. i have seen little boys expect to get something every time they enter a store because they have been conditioned to think that everything belongs to them. i have seen family members fight over finances, threatening personal happiness for the sake of a dollar in a will. i have seen relationships fall apart because once enjoyable tasks of dinning, shopping and entertaining became toxic in conversation. yes, this lesson has stung the most. for just as the bible says, you cannot serve two gods -- so i have learned that success comes not when i have a savings account or all the pairs of shoes in the world, but when i am happy with whom i am, in love with he that loves me and in the favor of god.
number ten. nothing in life lasts but your faith. through college and even some of the years leading up, i hestitated in the power of my faith. i thought sometimes it was best left unshared, other times left pushed under the rug. in college, i tested the waters of not going to church, not praying and not reading my bible - but god stood beside me the entire time. i learned that no matter where i was, i could praise god. and no matter what i went through, that god had a plan. then i moved home, and rejoined my church -- got invovled with the youth and started teaching a sunday school. i learned to love and value not only myself, but my walk with god. and i have learned that when everything else turns your back on you, when all situtations seem to be leading the wrong way and when you feel you dont have control of anything -- god is still there. he has provided for me everytime, i have some of the greatest friends in the world through him, and most importantly, i have a sense of belonging to something great.
thank you for being part of my two wonderful years. it is my prayer that i can continue to entertain, encourage, uplift and excite you for many more years to come.
so to honor my fans, i thought i would take this time to recap and review my top ten moments (and ergo, life lessons) i have learned in two very short years.
number one. the quickest and best way to gain a beautiful, brozen summer-long tan is to be a life guard. ever since i became a nanny, long gone are my days of "what race are you?"
number two. hands-down, without-a-doubt, college is the best time of your life. i cannot believe that it has only been one year since i graduated, but everytime i attend a graduation or talk to a friend from state, i miss home.
number three. you either love children or you dont. and while there are days i want to hurl mine (or my own head) against the wall, i would die for them. they are the most time-consuming, patience-testing and control-driven babies in the world, but they hold a sacred place in my heart.
number four. what you think you will become, may not always be your destiny. for years i said i would go to school, graduate, move to new york and own my own magazine. to date, i have a degree in media communications and journalism, i have turned down an internship in the heart of new york city and became a nanny. while i still have a passion to write, i have learned that my passion is not always my money maker.
number five. love doesnt see color. this has to be one of the biggest lessons i have learned this year, developing a serious and committed relationship with a black man all the while raising children of vietnamese and greek descent. when the four of us walked around in public, people often times looked at us, yet to us -- we were beautiful. and though i was supposed to be celebrating my second anniversary with my handsome boyfriend this july, somewhere along the way, we started to misunderstand one another's needs. now he is off doing his own thing, while i am stuck living my rountine without him. i cant help to think about him and i cannot help but to love him. sometimes i wonder if i would ever find someone else to love, and other times i feel guilty for ever considering the possibility of looking. what makes this colorblind-halted love even more difficult is the strong belief that we are made for each other. to want a love to last and work out, we felt we needed time apart to further ourselves and strengthen our being. yet, out of all the lessons, this one is the hardest. with great respect, admiration, love and support -- i am still learning to let go of the love i knew in hopes of a greater love unknown. to me, he was never anything less that perfect. it was a difficult road getting me to that place -- where i said "it doesnt matter what color he is, how old he is, how tall, smart or rich he is. what matters is that he loves himself, he loves god and he loves me."
number six. the only way for me to lose weight is simply stated - do not eat. i am finally and forthright convinced that god has a plague on my life to maintain my size no matter my calorie intake or my calorie burn-off. despite my strenious exercising, i still manage to maintain my weight. despite my poor eating habits (of chocolate chip cookies and pizza) i still can snug into all of my clothes. therefore, should i really want to drastically change -- not eating works.
number seven. pacu's are the craziest and yet most interesting fish to own in an at-home aquarium. cousin to the pirana, tim and i purchased a quarter-sized pacu from walmart over fourteen months ago. he thought it was cool looking, i thought it was only $2.87. now, thirteen months later - i have learned that this fish not only has teeth that he uses to chomp through goldfish, minnows, broccoli, asparagus, romanine lettuce and cucumbers, but he also has grown beyond the size of my hand. i have spent hundreds on this giant, that i now know can grow up to two feet long and live for up to twenty years. though the center of attention at my house (even beyond the kittens), he is not for the average aquarium person.
number eight. kittens can be the one thing that keeps you from diving into depression when you feel like your world is coming crashing down. yes, in two years, there has been many ups and downs. whether it was adjusting to life at home, dealing with a stressful job, coping with loss love or simply refinding myself -- my adorable, sweet and ever-so-spoiled penny and maverick were there to wake me up, lay by me at night and cuddle with me by day.
number nine. money isnt everything. this lesson was one that i always knew, yet one that never hit home like it did this past year. for the first time in my entire life, i learned what it was like to pay all my bills. to purchase things in my name. to have debt. to sign without a co-signer. to live without insurance. for the first time in 22 years, i have begun to tip the iceberg on what its like not to dream for what you want one day, but to live with what you have. i have seen people with a life full of riches and wealth fall by the wayside because they couldnt contain their love of money for the love of their family. i have seen little boys expect to get something every time they enter a store because they have been conditioned to think that everything belongs to them. i have seen family members fight over finances, threatening personal happiness for the sake of a dollar in a will. i have seen relationships fall apart because once enjoyable tasks of dinning, shopping and entertaining became toxic in conversation. yes, this lesson has stung the most. for just as the bible says, you cannot serve two gods -- so i have learned that success comes not when i have a savings account or all the pairs of shoes in the world, but when i am happy with whom i am, in love with he that loves me and in the favor of god.
number ten. nothing in life lasts but your faith. through college and even some of the years leading up, i hestitated in the power of my faith. i thought sometimes it was best left unshared, other times left pushed under the rug. in college, i tested the waters of not going to church, not praying and not reading my bible - but god stood beside me the entire time. i learned that no matter where i was, i could praise god. and no matter what i went through, that god had a plan. then i moved home, and rejoined my church -- got invovled with the youth and started teaching a sunday school. i learned to love and value not only myself, but my walk with god. and i have learned that when everything else turns your back on you, when all situtations seem to be leading the wrong way and when you feel you dont have control of anything -- god is still there. he has provided for me everytime, i have some of the greatest friends in the world through him, and most importantly, i have a sense of belonging to something great.
thank you for being part of my two wonderful years. it is my prayer that i can continue to entertain, encourage, uplift and excite you for many more years to come.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
minus one
so i decided today that everyday is not my day. this morning, while trying to pry myself out of bed yet again, i ramaged through my closet half-awake to put on an outfit that i thought looked pretty decent. very lindsay style, if i may. but twenty minutes into my day, things were going as well as they always seem to.
like every morning, i can't see or figure out which lane the cars are in when i dodge out into the morning commute traffic. my five-minute fast clock only continously makes me complete subtraction in my head as i again realize that i am not on the road as early as i need to be. and even still, the ever-so-slow driving cars once again make me miss the 7:32 light. great, now i have to sit and wait an extra two minutes on my already crunched morning drive.
but without doubt, i arrive at work right on time. just like i do and have done every morning for the past year. at work, things seem to be going ok. i agree to work late for the price of free dinner. and though my attempt to not eat has seemingly been going well for quite some time, the thought of alice springs chicken or monterrey ranch fajitas make my mouth water. and with that, i realize i will always be fat.
bring on the outback.
after my gym (also known as rich mom's daycare), i take the boys to mcallisters for lunch. as i'm sitting there, i remember that the last time i was here my now ex-boyfriend called me stranded in tennessee after getting in a car wreck in his sister's car. today, i have no idea where he is, what he is driving or what he is doing. yet as i break away from my endless thoughts, somehow, carter miraculously has eaten his entire hotdog and is now asking for some of jack's meat sticks.
yes, you read that right. gerber named one of it's products -- meat sticks. and the fact that my three year old begs for them, makes me cringe. this was the first sign that today was no ordinary day. he eats all of his lunch and then begs for a food without a clear definition of what it is.
when lunch ends, i begin the makeshift mommy trick of cleaning the table, packing the bag, toting the baby on the hip while making sure the toddler remembers buzz. all the while, not forgetting the coach diaper bag, balancing the glass of water and carrying the high chair back where it goes. now, may i also remind you that during the process, i passed by two people who work here. one who didn't even so much as look at me as i edged past, the other who looked all too anxious to get out of my way.
with the high chair dropped off, i then attempted to snake past the line forming from the registers to the door. in my way one man stood, completely unaware of my yelling "carter, come here!" or of jack's screaming "aaaaahhh" as we exit. perhaps his mind had more precious places to be. once past him, i then managed to run into another moron, who this time almost knocked down the larger-than-life advertisment while cutting up with his friends. "don't mind me," i thought, when in reality i wanted to scream "grow up and get a kid."
finally i could see the light at the end of the tunnel -- a beautiful red exit sign and the baby blue sky ahead. unfortunately, standing right in front of the doors were again two more idiots, neither talking to one another or on their cell phones. now whereas i will say i was raised in a world that says -- open doors for girls -- just flat out common sense tells me -- opens doors for anyone without a hand to open it. despite my education and clearly their lack of, these two "gentlemen" neither opened the door nor moved out of my way so that i could push it open with my butt without first my asking.
once outside, i decided apparently i either looked like i was superwoman and needed no help or my super power of invisibility had finally kicked in. "ok carter, when you grow up -- always open doors for girls," i proclaimed on our trek back to the bat mobile. "and remember, if someone is trying to get a baby, a three-year-old and a glass of water to the car all in one piece, she is not necessarily invisible!"
he looked up at me and said with a smile, "ok, deal miss lindsay."
and while i have no idea where all the gentlemen have gone or where on earth the one gentlemen i used to know has joined them, one thing is for certain -- if this is what the world has to offer in the boy department, i'm staying minus one.
like every morning, i can't see or figure out which lane the cars are in when i dodge out into the morning commute traffic. my five-minute fast clock only continously makes me complete subtraction in my head as i again realize that i am not on the road as early as i need to be. and even still, the ever-so-slow driving cars once again make me miss the 7:32 light. great, now i have to sit and wait an extra two minutes on my already crunched morning drive.
but without doubt, i arrive at work right on time. just like i do and have done every morning for the past year. at work, things seem to be going ok. i agree to work late for the price of free dinner. and though my attempt to not eat has seemingly been going well for quite some time, the thought of alice springs chicken or monterrey ranch fajitas make my mouth water. and with that, i realize i will always be fat.
bring on the outback.
after my gym (also known as rich mom's daycare), i take the boys to mcallisters for lunch. as i'm sitting there, i remember that the last time i was here my now ex-boyfriend called me stranded in tennessee after getting in a car wreck in his sister's car. today, i have no idea where he is, what he is driving or what he is doing. yet as i break away from my endless thoughts, somehow, carter miraculously has eaten his entire hotdog and is now asking for some of jack's meat sticks.
yes, you read that right. gerber named one of it's products -- meat sticks. and the fact that my three year old begs for them, makes me cringe. this was the first sign that today was no ordinary day. he eats all of his lunch and then begs for a food without a clear definition of what it is.
when lunch ends, i begin the makeshift mommy trick of cleaning the table, packing the bag, toting the baby on the hip while making sure the toddler remembers buzz. all the while, not forgetting the coach diaper bag, balancing the glass of water and carrying the high chair back where it goes. now, may i also remind you that during the process, i passed by two people who work here. one who didn't even so much as look at me as i edged past, the other who looked all too anxious to get out of my way.
with the high chair dropped off, i then attempted to snake past the line forming from the registers to the door. in my way one man stood, completely unaware of my yelling "carter, come here!" or of jack's screaming "aaaaahhh" as we exit. perhaps his mind had more precious places to be. once past him, i then managed to run into another moron, who this time almost knocked down the larger-than-life advertisment while cutting up with his friends. "don't mind me," i thought, when in reality i wanted to scream "grow up and get a kid."
finally i could see the light at the end of the tunnel -- a beautiful red exit sign and the baby blue sky ahead. unfortunately, standing right in front of the doors were again two more idiots, neither talking to one another or on their cell phones. now whereas i will say i was raised in a world that says -- open doors for girls -- just flat out common sense tells me -- opens doors for anyone without a hand to open it. despite my education and clearly their lack of, these two "gentlemen" neither opened the door nor moved out of my way so that i could push it open with my butt without first my asking.
once outside, i decided apparently i either looked like i was superwoman and needed no help or my super power of invisibility had finally kicked in. "ok carter, when you grow up -- always open doors for girls," i proclaimed on our trek back to the bat mobile. "and remember, if someone is trying to get a baby, a three-year-old and a glass of water to the car all in one piece, she is not necessarily invisible!"
he looked up at me and said with a smile, "ok, deal miss lindsay."
and while i have no idea where all the gentlemen have gone or where on earth the one gentlemen i used to know has joined them, one thing is for certain -- if this is what the world has to offer in the boy department, i'm staying minus one.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
together, we mourn.
as i sit here with my bible open in front of me, i am suppose to be creating ten weeks of lesson plans for my sunday school class full of seventh grade girls. beside me, a baby monitor echos the sweet sound of the ocean as the little boy sleeps ever-so-quietly upstairs in his crib. and to my right, there is my cell phone and my wallet -- both which haunt me daily for taking away my time, money and energy.
yet, the only sound that matters today -- is the sound of a television. for on this television, and echoing all throughout the nation, is the sound of a virginia tech convocation, only a day after the largest massacre in united states history.
as a high school student, i remember listening to one of my history teachers, mrs. allred, always teling us about the day when something happened. whether it was the memory of a president's assassination, the challenger falling out of the sky or martin luther king, jr. declaring that he had a dream... i remember being envious and ironically sadened that i, myself, did not have something that i could say "i remember where i was when this happened."
then, columbine occured and it shook the way my high school defined safety. as we discussed classroom safety, composed stories of heartache and remembered this tragic day -- i do remember sitting in my english class the day it occured. i remember where i was, what desk i was sitting at and exactly what my teacher looked like.
school saftey was no more.
only three years later, i remember walking in the classroom of mrs. allred's history class to see the television display one of the towers being rumaged by the plane. i vividly remember throwing my bookbag down, and running down the long, straight hallway, yelling at students and teachers alike to get in their classrooms and turn on their tvs. our prinicipal demanded that we turn off our televisions and remain focused on our school work, yet i remember hiding in my teacher's office with the radio telling us about the day the world trade centers fell.
our nation was no longer invicible.
and yesterday, i watched as a madman was released on one of our fellow campuses, only to take the lives of thirty two innocent lives. there is no explanation, no reason, nor any problem too deep that can explain nor justify this action. yet, as i sat there all day yesterday and all today watching this sorrowful and somber community unite after its terrible tragedy, my heart breaks for ever being envious of wanting to be able to say, "i remember where i was when this happened."
now, only twenty two years young, i have seen the safety of our schools, nation and college campuses be challenged and taken away and i am a lost of words to even begin to explain what this must be like for these students. all i know is that while i was at north carolina state university, i loved my school. i felt safe within its walls, within its classrooms, within its air space. i felt that i lived in a bubble and no one could ever do me or anyone around me harm. i was privileged to complete four wonderful years without tragedy, yet even still i feel that i am a part of this one.
every college student, every alumni from any school, and everyone is affected.
my heart mourns for all virginia tech students on this very tragic day. my prayer now is that these students will again be able to rebuild and reform their lives, not focusing on the horror of an incident, but the renewal of a passion for their university, their lives and their community. and my prayer for the rest of us, is that we too, while focusing on this pain and sorrow, will remember not where we were when this incident occured, but to realize that even when we feel our lives are tough and unbearable, we are blessed beyond all measure. may we again, put our lives in perspective.
and may god be with virginia tech.
Sunday, February 18, 2007
heart of worship
almost a year and a half ago, i announced my relationship with the world through this message board. i have since told you of stories from that january day ... of love, pain, joy and sadness. but today, i feel that it is only fair to myself, my readers and my love language of verse to tell the world in the same manner of the day the music died.
many people would probably sit at their computers and think "my god, this woman is crazy! she is just laying it all on the lines, telling the whole world that the love that she knew is in a far unknown place." the truth is, if i don't sit down and write about it, then i will trick myself into thinking that it never happened in the first place.
i loved him with all my heart.
i love him with all i have.
but somewhere along this road, he decided that i was not the best for him. he believes that he is in an undescribable place right now, and for my own interest, health and well-being, i cannot join him there. yet, for me this is a challenge like no other; however, a wish i can neither protest nor change despite my desire.
today, i don't write for sympathy. i don't ask for comments, voicemails or dinner dates. instead, i write with one simple message: a plea for you to seek god in all you do and to love beyond all you have.
you see, for me i was raised a christian -- blessed with a christian mother, a christian church and a christian lifestyle. yet, by no means did that make my life perfect. instead, with every step i took, i feared that i was failing god. in the back of my mind, i thought that if i did something remotely wrong, i wasn't saved and god would turn his face. i had a hard time establishing relationships with people, and an even harder time finding confidence in my own relationship with myself.
and after four years of college not seeking god, i have moved home to find him more passionately interested in me then ever before. and while i have been desperately looking for a better relationship with god, i thought that other things of this life would fall in place too without constant nuturing and love. yet naive like a child, i failed to realize that while my spiritual walk was enhancing, his was falling by the wayside.
and that makes for a dead end.
i look back on the time spent with him, and again i blame myself. i think, "i could have done this better, said this easier, loved him harder." there are times when i sit and cry simply because "what if" by 112 comes over my speakers. other times, i want to kick, scream and fight because i feel like i was a fool for believing in a perfect love. then of course, there are the times when i feel that any minute i will wake-up, he will be there to comfort me and i will realize it was all a dream.
and while i know this is hard for me, i also know that it is tough for him on a different level. by all means, its not everyday that someone breaks up with the person he loves because he says he loves her and wants to spend the rest of his life with her. and while its not everyday, the sad thing is it was my day.
however, what i am learning in this short, unbareable time is that while we all have a laundry list of things to complete, there is nothing that can be accomplished without the power of god. some of us are the isaiah's who proclaim, "here i am lord, send me." some of us are the david's, who are blessed with being "the man after god's own heart," even despite his adulterous ways. some of us are the job's, boiling with blisters and crying out to the lord, "woe is me." and even still, some of us are the jonah's, running from the call of the lord, only to end up doing it the hard way.
you see, while some of you may not believe in god, i passionately believe that he is the only way. i believe that nothing happens for a reason, and that all things -- whether good or bad -- are orchestrated according to his plan, not mine.
even though it doesn't make this situation any easier.
but what it does do is create a sense of unexplainable peace amongst the pain. it gives me hope that god is in control and once again, it brings me to my knees asking god to have mercy and grace on me and my loved ones. my prayer for this halted relationship is one of renewal, self-discovery and a reconnection like no other. yet, i know that it will never occur if we don't first realize that nothing comes without first believing in god.
yes, i could have loved more.
yes, i could have changed my tone.
yes, i could have been there stronger.
but now, i am left without much -- sitting here thinking that there must be something better than this. and there is -- its a relationship with god. i'm learning how to pray again, learning how to believe more, and learning how to rejoice even in the dark times.
my prayer now is that so is he.
many people would probably sit at their computers and think "my god, this woman is crazy! she is just laying it all on the lines, telling the whole world that the love that she knew is in a far unknown place." the truth is, if i don't sit down and write about it, then i will trick myself into thinking that it never happened in the first place.
i loved him with all my heart.
i love him with all i have.
but somewhere along this road, he decided that i was not the best for him. he believes that he is in an undescribable place right now, and for my own interest, health and well-being, i cannot join him there. yet, for me this is a challenge like no other; however, a wish i can neither protest nor change despite my desire.
today, i don't write for sympathy. i don't ask for comments, voicemails or dinner dates. instead, i write with one simple message: a plea for you to seek god in all you do and to love beyond all you have.
you see, for me i was raised a christian -- blessed with a christian mother, a christian church and a christian lifestyle. yet, by no means did that make my life perfect. instead, with every step i took, i feared that i was failing god. in the back of my mind, i thought that if i did something remotely wrong, i wasn't saved and god would turn his face. i had a hard time establishing relationships with people, and an even harder time finding confidence in my own relationship with myself.
and after four years of college not seeking god, i have moved home to find him more passionately interested in me then ever before. and while i have been desperately looking for a better relationship with god, i thought that other things of this life would fall in place too without constant nuturing and love. yet naive like a child, i failed to realize that while my spiritual walk was enhancing, his was falling by the wayside.
and that makes for a dead end.
i look back on the time spent with him, and again i blame myself. i think, "i could have done this better, said this easier, loved him harder." there are times when i sit and cry simply because "what if" by 112 comes over my speakers. other times, i want to kick, scream and fight because i feel like i was a fool for believing in a perfect love. then of course, there are the times when i feel that any minute i will wake-up, he will be there to comfort me and i will realize it was all a dream.
and while i know this is hard for me, i also know that it is tough for him on a different level. by all means, its not everyday that someone breaks up with the person he loves because he says he loves her and wants to spend the rest of his life with her. and while its not everyday, the sad thing is it was my day.
however, what i am learning in this short, unbareable time is that while we all have a laundry list of things to complete, there is nothing that can be accomplished without the power of god. some of us are the isaiah's who proclaim, "here i am lord, send me." some of us are the david's, who are blessed with being "the man after god's own heart," even despite his adulterous ways. some of us are the job's, boiling with blisters and crying out to the lord, "woe is me." and even still, some of us are the jonah's, running from the call of the lord, only to end up doing it the hard way.
you see, while some of you may not believe in god, i passionately believe that he is the only way. i believe that nothing happens for a reason, and that all things -- whether good or bad -- are orchestrated according to his plan, not mine.
even though it doesn't make this situation any easier.
but what it does do is create a sense of unexplainable peace amongst the pain. it gives me hope that god is in control and once again, it brings me to my knees asking god to have mercy and grace on me and my loved ones. my prayer for this halted relationship is one of renewal, self-discovery and a reconnection like no other. yet, i know that it will never occur if we don't first realize that nothing comes without first believing in god.
yes, i could have loved more.
yes, i could have changed my tone.
yes, i could have been there stronger.
but now, i am left without much -- sitting here thinking that there must be something better than this. and there is -- its a relationship with god. i'm learning how to pray again, learning how to believe more, and learning how to rejoice even in the dark times.
my prayer now is that so is he.
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
a common thread
you know, i sat at my computer today wanting desperately to blog with nothing clever coming to mind. i thought to myself, "if only i had a funny story -- a joke -- a witty moment with a detailed message." as most of my faithful readers know, i used to entertain you all with stories of life-sized elmos, a life-defining moment in law and of course, the goldfish that explained all relationships.
which by the way -- may i proudly point out that uno -- my "lone ranger" goldfish from my august 17, 2005 column -- is still alive and kicking. yes, i am not kidding ... he is not a replacement uno that mom's buy their children without their knowing to replace the goldfish they accidentally killed over the weekend. no, this is truly the sole survivor from my bunch of goldfish -- the one that i knew, if i named -- he'd stick around.
so with uno swimming next to me in his new bubbled aquarium in our new apartment in our new city, i am saddened to know that i don't have any good funny stories or wise cracks to share. i could bore you all with the every-day lessons i learn of not letting an infant climb the back of the stairs. or of course, there is the one where i forgot to buckle my toddler's car seat in the car and heard him say, "whooooooooooooa" as he flipped sideways while i turned the corner. or of course, there is the time that my sister and i sat and watched a new episode of studio 60, starting from the end. (but then again, that story wouldn't say much about our intelligence -- or degrees for that matter -- if i told you we didn't understand what was going on and didn't realize we were watching the end of the show first UNTIL it was over.)
no -- why waste your time with those stories?
see, while i could tell you about how i rescued jack from falling down a flight of stairs, re-strapped carter in his car seat and commended him on being a "big boy" or laugh with lauren that if it takes you until the credits to figure out a show started in the wrong place and you still didn't get it -- the show just really isn't that good ... instead, i could tell you about the one common thread that runs through them all.
l
o
v
e
.
there are days that i hate my job. days where i sit with my cup of coffee, daily newspaper and playhouse disney and think "was this worth it?" there are days when i drive around and think, "can i afford this?" and there are days when i come home and think, "is this all the time i have left?" sometimes, i wonder where my time goes. i wonder why i can barely get to the gym. i wonder why i have more shows on tivo than i have things to do on my things-to-do list. i wonder why it is nearly impossible for me to get to the grocery store, a hardship to call a friend or even a pain to straighten my hair. i wonder why it's so hard to plan things with my boyfriend, why i just can't seem to have enough time to spend with him and why i just can't seem to get closer.
yes, sometimes i wonder if i am placing my time in the right hands, in the right place at the right time.
but now uno is over a year old and he has four new nameless goldfish friends. i live in a new, beautiful apartment with my sister whom i haven't got to spend time with in years. i have two adorable kittens that make coming home to an empty home enjoyable. i drive to work everyday to teach jack how to walk -- no longer is he the little baby sitting there smiling, rocking back and forth. i commute carter around town to teach him that red means stop, green means go and that cows say moo. i leave work and drive painfully to the gym to relax, unwind and feel better about myself -- even if it means that i will stop for a salad on the way home. and then, when i get home -- i will spend it with tivo, penny, maverick and lauren, my sanity after a day of disney. and best of all, whenever all this ends, there is a man who loves me more than anything in this world just simply waiting to talk to me.
you see my friends, above all -- there is love.
forgive yourself for the days when you came home and said, "is this all i did today?" forgive yourself for the time you just couldn't get up and go to the gym. forgive yourself for the moment when you stopped and thought, "no this is not good enough for me." because the truth is, even if you have these moments, you still have love.
whether it's through a beautiful little boy named jack, an energetic individual named carter, a black kitten named penny, a stripped one named mav, a lonely goldfish named uno, a fabulous sister named lauren or a handsome man named tim ... i find myself not only surrounded by love, but given the opportunity daily to return it.
with this day of love that many of us roll our eyes in disgust toward fastly approaching (and i must be truthful in writing that as i typed that, i rolled my eyes out of habit) ... spread a little love.
and you know what, even without trying -- you will.
which by the way -- may i proudly point out that uno -- my "lone ranger" goldfish from my august 17, 2005 column -- is still alive and kicking. yes, i am not kidding ... he is not a replacement uno that mom's buy their children without their knowing to replace the goldfish they accidentally killed over the weekend. no, this is truly the sole survivor from my bunch of goldfish -- the one that i knew, if i named -- he'd stick around.
so with uno swimming next to me in his new bubbled aquarium in our new apartment in our new city, i am saddened to know that i don't have any good funny stories or wise cracks to share. i could bore you all with the every-day lessons i learn of not letting an infant climb the back of the stairs. or of course, there is the one where i forgot to buckle my toddler's car seat in the car and heard him say, "whooooooooooooa" as he flipped sideways while i turned the corner. or of course, there is the time that my sister and i sat and watched a new episode of studio 60, starting from the end. (but then again, that story wouldn't say much about our intelligence -- or degrees for that matter -- if i told you we didn't understand what was going on and didn't realize we were watching the end of the show first UNTIL it was over.)
no -- why waste your time with those stories?
see, while i could tell you about how i rescued jack from falling down a flight of stairs, re-strapped carter in his car seat and commended him on being a "big boy" or laugh with lauren that if it takes you until the credits to figure out a show started in the wrong place and you still didn't get it -- the show just really isn't that good ... instead, i could tell you about the one common thread that runs through them all.
l
o
v
e
.
there are days that i hate my job. days where i sit with my cup of coffee, daily newspaper and playhouse disney and think "was this worth it?" there are days when i drive around and think, "can i afford this?" and there are days when i come home and think, "is this all the time i have left?" sometimes, i wonder where my time goes. i wonder why i can barely get to the gym. i wonder why i have more shows on tivo than i have things to do on my things-to-do list. i wonder why it is nearly impossible for me to get to the grocery store, a hardship to call a friend or even a pain to straighten my hair. i wonder why it's so hard to plan things with my boyfriend, why i just can't seem to have enough time to spend with him and why i just can't seem to get closer.
yes, sometimes i wonder if i am placing my time in the right hands, in the right place at the right time.
but now uno is over a year old and he has four new nameless goldfish friends. i live in a new, beautiful apartment with my sister whom i haven't got to spend time with in years. i have two adorable kittens that make coming home to an empty home enjoyable. i drive to work everyday to teach jack how to walk -- no longer is he the little baby sitting there smiling, rocking back and forth. i commute carter around town to teach him that red means stop, green means go and that cows say moo. i leave work and drive painfully to the gym to relax, unwind and feel better about myself -- even if it means that i will stop for a salad on the way home. and then, when i get home -- i will spend it with tivo, penny, maverick and lauren, my sanity after a day of disney. and best of all, whenever all this ends, there is a man who loves me more than anything in this world just simply waiting to talk to me.
you see my friends, above all -- there is love.
forgive yourself for the days when you came home and said, "is this all i did today?" forgive yourself for the time you just couldn't get up and go to the gym. forgive yourself for the moment when you stopped and thought, "no this is not good enough for me." because the truth is, even if you have these moments, you still have love.
whether it's through a beautiful little boy named jack, an energetic individual named carter, a black kitten named penny, a stripped one named mav, a lonely goldfish named uno, a fabulous sister named lauren or a handsome man named tim ... i find myself not only surrounded by love, but given the opportunity daily to return it.
with this day of love that many of us roll our eyes in disgust toward fastly approaching (and i must be truthful in writing that as i typed that, i rolled my eyes out of habit) ... spread a little love.
and you know what, even without trying -- you will.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
a perfect imperfection
for the past week or so there has only been one word on my mind. perfection. while i would like to believe that perfection is achieveable, deep down we all know the inevitable. however, despite the innate imperfection dwelling inside all of us, why is it that we all so desperately long for the one thing we know we'll never acquire?
take for instance just a few moments ago while i was attempting to clean my countertops from a greasy dinner mess. as i attempted to spray the ever-so-frustrating bottle of clorox clean-up, it somehow managed to drop out of my hand. as the bottle hit the counter and fell to the ground, it was first sure not to burst and explode all over my fairly new black pants. as i began to think unpleasant thoughts, i looked down to see my two kittens who were eating porkchop bones at the time dripping in clorox. with bleached black pants and odor-reeking kittens in hand, i quickly tried to salvage what was left of an imperfect moment.
why did the bottle have to break?
why did i have to be wearing the only decent pair of black pants?
why were my kittens standing in its fall?
and of course, to add to the mishap, about five minutes ago i picked up the rug i had furiously tossed out of the kitchen to notice the now bleached spot on the carpet.
a perfect imperfection.
unfortunately, in a life of rountine there isn't much time for perfection. and sadly, i have found myself often thinking of little irritating things that make my everyday non-perfect.
why did i eat mcdonalds knowing that i'm trying to lose five pounds?
why did the stoplight just have to turn red knowing i'm already ten minutes late?
why did i wear these heels to the mall?
depressed by the cheeseburger, frustrated by the traffic, pained by the stiletto ... our imperfect beings still keep striving. but thanks to the society that we are surrounded by, who would honestly expect anything else?
right now, if i asked you to think of five things that you hated --or at least wish you could change-- about yourself, i wonder just how many of you would stop at five? what if i asked you if there was anybody, and i mean, absolutely anybody, you would rather be or trade places with for even a day? and if i asked you to describe to me in perfect detail the type of life you wanted to live --despite reality, gravity and everything else-- how many of you would tell me to get pen, paper and comfy?
i'd be shocked to know the results if anyone told me that they couldn't respond to these questions because the truth is, very rarely --if ever-- are we completely satisfied with how we look, who we are, and what we will become. instead, hollywood, our education, our society all tell us that we are missing the bar.
you should be thinner, taller, darker. wear your hair curly, long, red. dont wear anything that doesnt turn heads. dont take jobs that dont impress. and of course, overtime as we hear and see these things, we start to wear on ourselves as our own worst enemy. do i need to lose weight? do i need a better job? should i be acting this way in a relationship? what if i am the problem? suddenly, our normal lives become anything but rountine.
despite my bad days, i always had this dream that one day i would be this super-fabulous person, living in my own new york apartment, the proud owner of my own magazine. in my fantasy, for some reason kids nor a husband ever existed. at first i thought, maybe its because i'll never find anyone to feel that void -- or maybe, i was all the person i ever needed. yes, in my private world, it was simply me, myself and my shoes.
and it was perfect.
yet despite my dream, i am the nanny of two precious yet trying little boys. i am the roommate of my sister. i am the daughter wasting my talent to my father. i am the daughter always changing her mind to my mother. i am the unstable, ever-changing girlfriend to my boyfriend.
there is no new york.
no apartment overlooking the skyline.
no magazine.
and barely even any shoes worth mentioning.
yet the truth is, over the past few weeks, i have been learning one small but signficant lesson -- it's the simple art of an imperfection that makes an individual's life perfect. could i be thinner? absolutely. could i be smarter? without a doubt. could i love more? i should. but if i were thinner, would i be happier... if i were smarter, could i cure cancer... if i loved more, would i be guaranteed a conflict-free life?
you see, for me if i didn't make an A, in my mind ... i failed. now i am slowly learning that i am just creating another part of the perfect imperfection that it is me.
take for instance just a few moments ago while i was attempting to clean my countertops from a greasy dinner mess. as i attempted to spray the ever-so-frustrating bottle of clorox clean-up, it somehow managed to drop out of my hand. as the bottle hit the counter and fell to the ground, it was first sure not to burst and explode all over my fairly new black pants. as i began to think unpleasant thoughts, i looked down to see my two kittens who were eating porkchop bones at the time dripping in clorox. with bleached black pants and odor-reeking kittens in hand, i quickly tried to salvage what was left of an imperfect moment.
why did the bottle have to break?
why did i have to be wearing the only decent pair of black pants?
why were my kittens standing in its fall?
and of course, to add to the mishap, about five minutes ago i picked up the rug i had furiously tossed out of the kitchen to notice the now bleached spot on the carpet.
a perfect imperfection.
unfortunately, in a life of rountine there isn't much time for perfection. and sadly, i have found myself often thinking of little irritating things that make my everyday non-perfect.
why did i eat mcdonalds knowing that i'm trying to lose five pounds?
why did the stoplight just have to turn red knowing i'm already ten minutes late?
why did i wear these heels to the mall?
depressed by the cheeseburger, frustrated by the traffic, pained by the stiletto ... our imperfect beings still keep striving. but thanks to the society that we are surrounded by, who would honestly expect anything else?
right now, if i asked you to think of five things that you hated --or at least wish you could change-- about yourself, i wonder just how many of you would stop at five? what if i asked you if there was anybody, and i mean, absolutely anybody, you would rather be or trade places with for even a day? and if i asked you to describe to me in perfect detail the type of life you wanted to live --despite reality, gravity and everything else-- how many of you would tell me to get pen, paper and comfy?
i'd be shocked to know the results if anyone told me that they couldn't respond to these questions because the truth is, very rarely --if ever-- are we completely satisfied with how we look, who we are, and what we will become. instead, hollywood, our education, our society all tell us that we are missing the bar.
you should be thinner, taller, darker. wear your hair curly, long, red. dont wear anything that doesnt turn heads. dont take jobs that dont impress. and of course, overtime as we hear and see these things, we start to wear on ourselves as our own worst enemy. do i need to lose weight? do i need a better job? should i be acting this way in a relationship? what if i am the problem? suddenly, our normal lives become anything but rountine.
despite my bad days, i always had this dream that one day i would be this super-fabulous person, living in my own new york apartment, the proud owner of my own magazine. in my fantasy, for some reason kids nor a husband ever existed. at first i thought, maybe its because i'll never find anyone to feel that void -- or maybe, i was all the person i ever needed. yes, in my private world, it was simply me, myself and my shoes.
and it was perfect.
yet despite my dream, i am the nanny of two precious yet trying little boys. i am the roommate of my sister. i am the daughter wasting my talent to my father. i am the daughter always changing her mind to my mother. i am the unstable, ever-changing girlfriend to my boyfriend.
there is no new york.
no apartment overlooking the skyline.
no magazine.
and barely even any shoes worth mentioning.
yet the truth is, over the past few weeks, i have been learning one small but signficant lesson -- it's the simple art of an imperfection that makes an individual's life perfect. could i be thinner? absolutely. could i be smarter? without a doubt. could i love more? i should. but if i were thinner, would i be happier... if i were smarter, could i cure cancer... if i loved more, would i be guaranteed a conflict-free life?
you see, for me if i didn't make an A, in my mind ... i failed. now i am slowly learning that i am just creating another part of the perfect imperfection that it is me.
Thursday, December 07, 2006
the christmas spirit
as the christmas spirit rolls around, the news gears up for its coverage of the holiday season. all over the world, people line up (and even shoot each other) over playstation threes. on black friday, or better yet one minute after midnight, people tumbled over each other in the malls to get their hands on the latest christmas gadgets and gifts.
while i happened to be at concord mills at the precise minute it opened with my boyfriend and my sister, unlike majority of the shoppers, i left my pajamas tucked away in my drawers and kept my conscious intact. as lines wrapped around banana and people sat up chairs in front of circuit city, i thought one thing, "how on earth is this the christmas spirit?"
right before the holiday season officially kicked off, the major retail stores debated over their choice of holiday phrase for the year. some returned to the ever-so-bold phrase of "merry christmas" while others chose to engulf every age, gender and nationality with "happy holidays." personally, my thoughts on this are simple: its christmas in every language... lets just enjoy it in every way.
whether you say feliz navidad, merry christmas or joyeux noel the fact of the matter is its a holiday. you might celebrate other holidays or none at all, but whats the point of taking away the joy of the holiday for the ones who do like it?
the other day, i was in walmart checking out with my boyfriend after buying some completely random items. as i was leaving, i grabbed my bags and simply said "merry christmas." the elderly lady at the checkout looked quite shocked at my bold statement (though may i point out walmart selected merry christmas as its phrase to bring in the big bucks this year), then smiled and said it back very faintly as if she didnt want anyone to know.
personally, i find it all quite sad.
as we put up decorations, push and shove over the technologies and bake cookies, i think all too often we forget the joy of sharing christmas spirit. as i made lunch today for everyone, i turned on the radio to listen to some christmas carols. immediately after recognizing the song, with a smile on my face i started dancing around the kitchen singing "santa claus is coming to town."
carter, the two-year-old immediately began clapping his hands and spinning around ... trying his best to keep up with me. and little sweet jack, coming to life every day, looked up from his crawl and started to rock back in forth.
it wasnt much -- but the point got across. in everyday things during the holiday season, we can show christmas spirit. sure the gifts are nice -- but even more so important than the toy that will soon become a coaster, why not truly enjoy the spirit of christmas this year?
spend it with your family.
decorate the tree.
bake cookies.
listen to christmas carols and dance like a child.
but above all, spread love.
so whether you choose a phrase or become a scrooge -- just know that should you cross me within the next month -- ill be the one saying "merry christmas" all the while dancing to the carols playing in my head.
while i happened to be at concord mills at the precise minute it opened with my boyfriend and my sister, unlike majority of the shoppers, i left my pajamas tucked away in my drawers and kept my conscious intact. as lines wrapped around banana and people sat up chairs in front of circuit city, i thought one thing, "how on earth is this the christmas spirit?"
right before the holiday season officially kicked off, the major retail stores debated over their choice of holiday phrase for the year. some returned to the ever-so-bold phrase of "merry christmas" while others chose to engulf every age, gender and nationality with "happy holidays." personally, my thoughts on this are simple: its christmas in every language... lets just enjoy it in every way.
whether you say feliz navidad, merry christmas or joyeux noel the fact of the matter is its a holiday. you might celebrate other holidays or none at all, but whats the point of taking away the joy of the holiday for the ones who do like it?
the other day, i was in walmart checking out with my boyfriend after buying some completely random items. as i was leaving, i grabbed my bags and simply said "merry christmas." the elderly lady at the checkout looked quite shocked at my bold statement (though may i point out walmart selected merry christmas as its phrase to bring in the big bucks this year), then smiled and said it back very faintly as if she didnt want anyone to know.
personally, i find it all quite sad.
as we put up decorations, push and shove over the technologies and bake cookies, i think all too often we forget the joy of sharing christmas spirit. as i made lunch today for everyone, i turned on the radio to listen to some christmas carols. immediately after recognizing the song, with a smile on my face i started dancing around the kitchen singing "santa claus is coming to town."
carter, the two-year-old immediately began clapping his hands and spinning around ... trying his best to keep up with me. and little sweet jack, coming to life every day, looked up from his crawl and started to rock back in forth.
it wasnt much -- but the point got across. in everyday things during the holiday season, we can show christmas spirit. sure the gifts are nice -- but even more so important than the toy that will soon become a coaster, why not truly enjoy the spirit of christmas this year?
spend it with your family.
decorate the tree.
bake cookies.
listen to christmas carols and dance like a child.
but above all, spread love.
so whether you choose a phrase or become a scrooge -- just know that should you cross me within the next month -- ill be the one saying "merry christmas" all the while dancing to the carols playing in my head.
Saturday, November 04, 2006
the family event
sunday night my church celebrated fall with a festival in our church's parking lot. while our church is quite large and known in the charlotte area, i have to admit i was skeptical, not expecting many people in attendance. much to my shock, when i arrived with my sister, boyfriend and toddler cousin chance i saw way more people filling up the lot than i had during some college tailgatings.
instantly our church has tranformed its paved paradise into a hay-filled, siren blowing, sound electrifying hub for the evening. as different ministries set up tents, a massive line filled with people waiting on free barbecue and various talented groups taking center stage to entertain the hyped crowd on this chilly evening, i eagerly pushed my stroller through the red sea in a mere attempt to locate my crazy family.
now if any of you know my family -- you should know this isnt nearly as hard to do as it is finding waldo. as im pushing the stroller around, looking for someone i recognize -- instantly i hear my name being beckoned across the crowd. "LINDSAY -- WE'RE OVER HERE!" i turn and look and surely enough see my mother, aunt, uncle, and three cousins standing in the middle of the free line.
just where i expected.
"where's everyone else?" i asked, not being a fan of the southern treat.
"nanny and the babies are over there sitting. more are running around. some are playing games."
of course, we would be the only family enjoying the "family event" in different parts of the parking lot. as i passed by the jeff gordon race car (not without first rolling my eyes), i spotted my grandmother making friends with even more crazy church people. keenly known for her ability to talk to a complete stranger in the supermarket, for nanny a church-wide event with people just sitting around talking was like a child's christmas morning.
and of course, the story wouldn't be complete without my looney mother interpretting "bring your own blankets and chairs" to mean bring the tri-fold neon beach chairs to the event. so as i kicked the brakes on the stroller, i somehow managed to prop myself down on the pink beach chair without first killing myself or better yet, falling and miserably embarassing myself for the rest of my life.
behind me, nanny was talking about god to her newfound friends, asking them the questions that would make any twenty-something roll their eyes.
"no nanny, heaven does not have EVERYONE in it."
"yes nanny, you are a good person and you love the Lord."
"um, nanny i dont know what pastor thinks about that."
in my head, i continue to answer her questions or even more think to myself "dont turn around and identify her new friends -- you might know them too." just pretend you dont exist. (did i mention i was sitting on a beach chair, in a church parking lot, in charlotte, one night while it was forty degrees outside? yes, good way of not exisiting i know.)
then just as i think the night couldnt possibly get any more embarassing, along comes my pastor and his wife who are pretty much mini-celebrities in our city and royalty at our own church. as they simply are trying to greet people and welcome them to the event, my insane family decides to yell (with an emphasis on yell) at them as if they just saw jayz walking down rodeo drive.
oh god, now not only am in in a pink beach chair with my grandmother making a fool of herself to total strangers, but my pastor and his wife have just been called over to our area to chat. if there could have been a lightning bolt to come down and hit me from the sky -- this would have been the opportune moment.
as my only two sources of sanity branch off to go seek coffee and perhaps more normal people to entertain themselves with, i attempt my very own getaway. carefully prying myself from my sandless chair, i attempted to go walk around alone for a few minutes to catch-up with my sanity.
just as i was about twenty yards away from the family chaos, up came running my five-year-old cousin natalie, tears running down her eyes. "whats the matter," i asked.
"mike left me. he was waiting in line with me, nathan and zach and i got lost," she said scared out of her mind.
"its ok, youre with me now."
just as i took her hand, up came zach the other lost boy.
"where have you been, zach?" i questioned his far-more mature self.
"natalie ran off. i went to get her and lost mike."
(keep in mind, mike is supposed to be the responsible adult here watching the three youngins.)
now with two kids in hand and my sanity on its way to the moon, i walked them both with me to find something better to do. on the way, we ran into my older cousin and her husband. "zach, we've been looking for you," jenny said. one kiddo down, i took natalie with me.
a few minutes later -- lauren came up to me frantically saying "have you seen natalie? we cant find her. mike's freaking out!" behind me, little blue eyes peaks out.
even minutes later, my cousin loses her toddler sons bookbag and her friend loses her purse. seconds later, both are recovered as zach and jenny and me and natalie reunite with the rest of the family.
i prop nathan and natalie together up on the blue beach chair, give chance the toddler a kiss goodbye as his mom strolled him home for the night and looked around to see all the family sitting around drinking coffee, sitting and not speaking a word as the choir performed on the stage.
for a minute it was complete silence as i looked around the collective group of all ages, iq levels and sanity marks. then i nudged mom and lauren who were sitting in the other neon beach chairs and smiled.
"what are you smiling about?" they both asked, apparently shocked that someone of my caliber remembered how to smile.
"oh nothing much. just something." i said. "you know, we may be a crazy family. but one things for sure ... we sure do take care of one another."
and for me, that was exactly the sanity i needed.
instantly our church has tranformed its paved paradise into a hay-filled, siren blowing, sound electrifying hub for the evening. as different ministries set up tents, a massive line filled with people waiting on free barbecue and various talented groups taking center stage to entertain the hyped crowd on this chilly evening, i eagerly pushed my stroller through the red sea in a mere attempt to locate my crazy family.
now if any of you know my family -- you should know this isnt nearly as hard to do as it is finding waldo. as im pushing the stroller around, looking for someone i recognize -- instantly i hear my name being beckoned across the crowd. "LINDSAY -- WE'RE OVER HERE!" i turn and look and surely enough see my mother, aunt, uncle, and three cousins standing in the middle of the free line.
just where i expected.
"where's everyone else?" i asked, not being a fan of the southern treat.
"nanny and the babies are over there sitting. more are running around. some are playing games."
of course, we would be the only family enjoying the "family event" in different parts of the parking lot. as i passed by the jeff gordon race car (not without first rolling my eyes), i spotted my grandmother making friends with even more crazy church people. keenly known for her ability to talk to a complete stranger in the supermarket, for nanny a church-wide event with people just sitting around talking was like a child's christmas morning.
and of course, the story wouldn't be complete without my looney mother interpretting "bring your own blankets and chairs" to mean bring the tri-fold neon beach chairs to the event. so as i kicked the brakes on the stroller, i somehow managed to prop myself down on the pink beach chair without first killing myself or better yet, falling and miserably embarassing myself for the rest of my life.
behind me, nanny was talking about god to her newfound friends, asking them the questions that would make any twenty-something roll their eyes.
"no nanny, heaven does not have EVERYONE in it."
"yes nanny, you are a good person and you love the Lord."
"um, nanny i dont know what pastor thinks about that."
in my head, i continue to answer her questions or even more think to myself "dont turn around and identify her new friends -- you might know them too." just pretend you dont exist. (did i mention i was sitting on a beach chair, in a church parking lot, in charlotte, one night while it was forty degrees outside? yes, good way of not exisiting i know.)
then just as i think the night couldnt possibly get any more embarassing, along comes my pastor and his wife who are pretty much mini-celebrities in our city and royalty at our own church. as they simply are trying to greet people and welcome them to the event, my insane family decides to yell (with an emphasis on yell) at them as if they just saw jayz walking down rodeo drive.
oh god, now not only am in in a pink beach chair with my grandmother making a fool of herself to total strangers, but my pastor and his wife have just been called over to our area to chat. if there could have been a lightning bolt to come down and hit me from the sky -- this would have been the opportune moment.
as my only two sources of sanity branch off to go seek coffee and perhaps more normal people to entertain themselves with, i attempt my very own getaway. carefully prying myself from my sandless chair, i attempted to go walk around alone for a few minutes to catch-up with my sanity.
just as i was about twenty yards away from the family chaos, up came running my five-year-old cousin natalie, tears running down her eyes. "whats the matter," i asked.
"mike left me. he was waiting in line with me, nathan and zach and i got lost," she said scared out of her mind.
"its ok, youre with me now."
just as i took her hand, up came zach the other lost boy.
"where have you been, zach?" i questioned his far-more mature self.
"natalie ran off. i went to get her and lost mike."
(keep in mind, mike is supposed to be the responsible adult here watching the three youngins.)
now with two kids in hand and my sanity on its way to the moon, i walked them both with me to find something better to do. on the way, we ran into my older cousin and her husband. "zach, we've been looking for you," jenny said. one kiddo down, i took natalie with me.
a few minutes later -- lauren came up to me frantically saying "have you seen natalie? we cant find her. mike's freaking out!" behind me, little blue eyes peaks out.
even minutes later, my cousin loses her toddler sons bookbag and her friend loses her purse. seconds later, both are recovered as zach and jenny and me and natalie reunite with the rest of the family.
i prop nathan and natalie together up on the blue beach chair, give chance the toddler a kiss goodbye as his mom strolled him home for the night and looked around to see all the family sitting around drinking coffee, sitting and not speaking a word as the choir performed on the stage.
for a minute it was complete silence as i looked around the collective group of all ages, iq levels and sanity marks. then i nudged mom and lauren who were sitting in the other neon beach chairs and smiled.
"what are you smiling about?" they both asked, apparently shocked that someone of my caliber remembered how to smile.
"oh nothing much. just something." i said. "you know, we may be a crazy family. but one things for sure ... we sure do take care of one another."
and for me, that was exactly the sanity i needed.
Friday, September 22, 2006
glamorous
its seems within this past week, all things have been pointing to one thing -- glamour. this week, my new glamour magazine came wrapped in the mail proudly welcoming fall fashion, love tips and another split-second workout. at church sunday morning, my beloved pastor spoke on remembering your roots. he told the story of moses, how he was placed in a basket and shipped down the river in a mother's mere attempt to avoid pharoahs slaying.
moses was rescued by pharoahs daughter and lived a lavish life of the top-of-the-line luxury. yet, at the end of it all -- moses left everything he had to go back to his roots ... his people. for moses, the important thing wasnt all the fancy he had lying around him, but taking his people and leading them into the promiseland. my pastors message was simple, yet it stayed with me all week long ... whenever you get caught up in the glamorous, remember where you came from. remember your roots. remember the days when you had nothing, but had everything.
then throughout work this week, i have watched as glamour has unfolded on the left in the right. everyday, i drive through a beautiful neighborhood full of brand-new exquiste houses of three and four stories. i pass by expensive cars and drive carefully by little children cruising on expensive powered wheels. inside, i spend my day providing care for two beautiful children while their parents slave away in the workfield to create a better life for themselves.
now dont get me wrong.
follow my point throughly.
i have no problem with nice cars and big houses or even working fulltime to make a living. yet all around me there are signs of people saying 'i do this so i can provide this.' whether its a bigger house, a better car, more toys .. theres always something that people are constantly trying to work toward in order to gain something greater. and somewhere along the way, they pass too quickly by the life they are aiming so high to establish.
look at me. i kicked my butt everyday in school for the past seventeen years to make myself something. i went to a well-known university and studied for four years with an honor title to create a better life for myself. i was told that i needed to grow up to be the best i could be. that whatever i dreamed of, i could be. that whatever i wanted, i could become.
but somewhere along that path --
dreams became cars.
goals became exotic vacations.
aspirations became mansions.
and somewhere along the way --
it happened to more people than me.
everyday i watch as carter and jack grow up before my eyes. not yet a mother, i have witnessed the first tooth, the first roll-over, the first baby food, the first crawl, the first stand. and while i could not be more proud and honored to be in this position, it breaks my heart everyday when the parents come home and i tell them the good news of their childrens daily accomplishments and they say "oh, i wish i would have been here to see that."
yet, here is sit ... paycheck to paycheck. writing down bills in my registery and writing a tithe check praying that god will once again come through. i dont own a big house, a fancy car or take exotic vacations. my nights on the town consist of dinner and a movie. and if im lucky, a high school football game to cheer on my churchs youth.
sometimes i cry.
sometimes i wonder.
sometimes i pray.
why, oh lord is this my life?
why do i sit here and wonder where my next miracle is going to come from, while others slave away trying to acquire even more?
but then, i hear it -- "dont forget where youve come from."
the glamorous lifestyle may be fun for a while -- but no matter where you are on the financial or social ladder, there are always going to be people still climbing, trying to just get ahead. for me, as i drove home on this friday afternoon blasting my new and fabulous fergie cd, i turned on number six, glamorous.
"we're flying first class up in the sky,
we're poppin' champagne, living the life,
in the fast lane,
oh, but i won't change by the glamorous,
oh, the flossy flossy."
i hate to say it, but its my theme song now. if in one week, so many signs can point to one thing -- then for me, this one thing must be true. while the glamour is nice, the life your living is even greater.
i wont change by the glamorous.
moses was rescued by pharoahs daughter and lived a lavish life of the top-of-the-line luxury. yet, at the end of it all -- moses left everything he had to go back to his roots ... his people. for moses, the important thing wasnt all the fancy he had lying around him, but taking his people and leading them into the promiseland. my pastors message was simple, yet it stayed with me all week long ... whenever you get caught up in the glamorous, remember where you came from. remember your roots. remember the days when you had nothing, but had everything.
then throughout work this week, i have watched as glamour has unfolded on the left in the right. everyday, i drive through a beautiful neighborhood full of brand-new exquiste houses of three and four stories. i pass by expensive cars and drive carefully by little children cruising on expensive powered wheels. inside, i spend my day providing care for two beautiful children while their parents slave away in the workfield to create a better life for themselves.
now dont get me wrong.
follow my point throughly.
i have no problem with nice cars and big houses or even working fulltime to make a living. yet all around me there are signs of people saying 'i do this so i can provide this.' whether its a bigger house, a better car, more toys .. theres always something that people are constantly trying to work toward in order to gain something greater. and somewhere along the way, they pass too quickly by the life they are aiming so high to establish.
look at me. i kicked my butt everyday in school for the past seventeen years to make myself something. i went to a well-known university and studied for four years with an honor title to create a better life for myself. i was told that i needed to grow up to be the best i could be. that whatever i dreamed of, i could be. that whatever i wanted, i could become.
but somewhere along that path --
dreams became cars.
goals became exotic vacations.
aspirations became mansions.
and somewhere along the way --
it happened to more people than me.
everyday i watch as carter and jack grow up before my eyes. not yet a mother, i have witnessed the first tooth, the first roll-over, the first baby food, the first crawl, the first stand. and while i could not be more proud and honored to be in this position, it breaks my heart everyday when the parents come home and i tell them the good news of their childrens daily accomplishments and they say "oh, i wish i would have been here to see that."
yet, here is sit ... paycheck to paycheck. writing down bills in my registery and writing a tithe check praying that god will once again come through. i dont own a big house, a fancy car or take exotic vacations. my nights on the town consist of dinner and a movie. and if im lucky, a high school football game to cheer on my churchs youth.
sometimes i cry.
sometimes i wonder.
sometimes i pray.
why, oh lord is this my life?
why do i sit here and wonder where my next miracle is going to come from, while others slave away trying to acquire even more?
but then, i hear it -- "dont forget where youve come from."
the glamorous lifestyle may be fun for a while -- but no matter where you are on the financial or social ladder, there are always going to be people still climbing, trying to just get ahead. for me, as i drove home on this friday afternoon blasting my new and fabulous fergie cd, i turned on number six, glamorous.
"we're flying first class up in the sky,
we're poppin' champagne, living the life,
in the fast lane,
oh, but i won't change by the glamorous,
oh, the flossy flossy."
i hate to say it, but its my theme song now. if in one week, so many signs can point to one thing -- then for me, this one thing must be true. while the glamour is nice, the life your living is even greater.
i wont change by the glamorous.
Saturday, September 09, 2006
this is me.
confession. while i am not a stay-at-home mother, i am a stay-at-home mom who watches dr. phil religiously. now, while some of you are sitting there laughing thinking, "what in the world has lindsay turned into since graduation" the rest of you are nodding your heads saying, "i know .. i loooooove dr. phil."
gone are my days of waking up late, doing homework at the last minute and going out for cocktails with my girlfriends on a weeknight ... here are my days waking up to folgers in my cup, driving eighty on the freeway and dancing to 'between the lions' theme song in my car. fear not, i have not traded in my car for a mini-van, but i have been caught numerous times leading sing-a-long in my car to kid tunes.
aside from the fact that i have taken my 21st year of life and turned the liquor bottles into formula, the often repetitive words of dr. phil continue to haunt me daily. "in whatever you do ... whoever you marry ... whatever you become ... don't lose yourself."
sounds simple right?
sounds quite elementary i know.
yet, the truth of the matter is all too often we lose ourselves in something we aim to become, dream to be or simply overlook the transition at all. for me, it was subtle at first -- but then took a dramatic turn. five months ago, if i would have been sitting anywhere where young moms could be overheard i woud have cringed at the conversation.
"oh you should see little tommy. he just learned how to sit up."
"really? well little janey did the funniest thing the other day."
"oh thats nothing. little robbie learned his abc's. ...backwards."
wherever i would be in that moment i would look at whomever i was with and simply state, "that will never be me. i refuse to go out with my girlfriends and compare my child."
no, i haven't become that annoying -- but now, instead of cringing when i overhear that dreaded happy mom conversation, instead of thinking "you moron," i simply find myself thinking about my life.
baby jack and young carter have definitely become my adopted children, but somewhere along the way -- they also become the downfall of myself. you see, i have realized over these few short months -- that if you can't leave work at the door of your home, you will quickly erase the meaning of the word home. while what you do during your nine to five is equally as important as what you do with the rest of your days .. it cannot be the only thing you do.
for me, waking up and watching children has begun to consume me. even on the weekends, i find myself toting children around with the same theme song being blasted from my speakers. three days ago, the parents that i work for took a vacation, a vacation from their world ... leaving me behind to carry on.
in that moment, it hit me.
i was the one in need of a vacation.
and that didn't mean i needed to jump on a plane and head to a foreign destination -- it simply meant a vacation in order to rediscover myself. to put into action the words of dr. phil that echo throughout my home every weekday at ten a.m.
last night, i ignored my cell phone and went into off broadway shoes. thirty minutes later, i walked out with a hole in my pocket and two fabulous pairs of shoes in tote. twenty minutes later, i had two more bags in hand (and yes, two more pairs of shoes) compliments of southpark mall.
as i exited the mall, sipping my starbucks frappuccino child-free, i realized this is me. i am the young woman who loves to splurge on shoes and go home and fret about how broke i am. i am the young woman who loves to drink coffee while cruising with her windows down on the open road, listening to the top forty. i am the young woman who takes pleasure in a saturday morning without any commitments. i am the young woman who loves to cringe at people who have lifestyles different than mine.
yes, this is me.
this morning, i took dr. phils words one step farther as i drove to the local carwash and with my hair pulled back, soffee shorts on and makeupless face, i began to wash my car in the company of ... adults. as i cleaned the remains of two messy children in the beating sun, i noticed a young guy vaccumming his car in front of me. eventually, the guy started carrying on conversation with me. just before he left, he came up to me and did the bold... "um, hey listen ... do you have a phone number or something that i might be able to get?"
"i'm sorry, but i have a boyfriend," i simply stated.
"oh well, i had to try," he said with a smile.
"yeh, i understand completely," i said with a smile.
in that moment with sweat beating down my face -- a stranger recognized the real me.
and perhaps, if he liked the real me ... then i could learn to like her again too.
gone are my days of waking up late, doing homework at the last minute and going out for cocktails with my girlfriends on a weeknight ... here are my days waking up to folgers in my cup, driving eighty on the freeway and dancing to 'between the lions' theme song in my car. fear not, i have not traded in my car for a mini-van, but i have been caught numerous times leading sing-a-long in my car to kid tunes.
aside from the fact that i have taken my 21st year of life and turned the liquor bottles into formula, the often repetitive words of dr. phil continue to haunt me daily. "in whatever you do ... whoever you marry ... whatever you become ... don't lose yourself."
sounds simple right?
sounds quite elementary i know.
yet, the truth of the matter is all too often we lose ourselves in something we aim to become, dream to be or simply overlook the transition at all. for me, it was subtle at first -- but then took a dramatic turn. five months ago, if i would have been sitting anywhere where young moms could be overheard i woud have cringed at the conversation.
"oh you should see little tommy. he just learned how to sit up."
"really? well little janey did the funniest thing the other day."
"oh thats nothing. little robbie learned his abc's. ...backwards."
wherever i would be in that moment i would look at whomever i was with and simply state, "that will never be me. i refuse to go out with my girlfriends and compare my child."
no, i haven't become that annoying -- but now, instead of cringing when i overhear that dreaded happy mom conversation, instead of thinking "you moron," i simply find myself thinking about my life.
baby jack and young carter have definitely become my adopted children, but somewhere along the way -- they also become the downfall of myself. you see, i have realized over these few short months -- that if you can't leave work at the door of your home, you will quickly erase the meaning of the word home. while what you do during your nine to five is equally as important as what you do with the rest of your days .. it cannot be the only thing you do.
for me, waking up and watching children has begun to consume me. even on the weekends, i find myself toting children around with the same theme song being blasted from my speakers. three days ago, the parents that i work for took a vacation, a vacation from their world ... leaving me behind to carry on.
in that moment, it hit me.
i was the one in need of a vacation.
and that didn't mean i needed to jump on a plane and head to a foreign destination -- it simply meant a vacation in order to rediscover myself. to put into action the words of dr. phil that echo throughout my home every weekday at ten a.m.
last night, i ignored my cell phone and went into off broadway shoes. thirty minutes later, i walked out with a hole in my pocket and two fabulous pairs of shoes in tote. twenty minutes later, i had two more bags in hand (and yes, two more pairs of shoes) compliments of southpark mall.
as i exited the mall, sipping my starbucks frappuccino child-free, i realized this is me. i am the young woman who loves to splurge on shoes and go home and fret about how broke i am. i am the young woman who loves to drink coffee while cruising with her windows down on the open road, listening to the top forty. i am the young woman who takes pleasure in a saturday morning without any commitments. i am the young woman who loves to cringe at people who have lifestyles different than mine.
yes, this is me.
this morning, i took dr. phils words one step farther as i drove to the local carwash and with my hair pulled back, soffee shorts on and makeupless face, i began to wash my car in the company of ... adults. as i cleaned the remains of two messy children in the beating sun, i noticed a young guy vaccumming his car in front of me. eventually, the guy started carrying on conversation with me. just before he left, he came up to me and did the bold... "um, hey listen ... do you have a phone number or something that i might be able to get?"
"i'm sorry, but i have a boyfriend," i simply stated.
"oh well, i had to try," he said with a smile.
"yeh, i understand completely," i said with a smile.
in that moment with sweat beating down my face -- a stranger recognized the real me.
and perhaps, if he liked the real me ... then i could learn to like her again too.
Saturday, August 19, 2006
explanationless
these days, my life is so far from youth i have a hard time talking to friends on the phone since my mere social life is but a dream. these days, my social life consists of dr.phil and relating to the newlywed couples who just cant seem to get it together. instead of chatting with my girlfriends over cocktails, i wipe snot off of two little boys who are more close to me than just about anyone.
while my life seems to be semi-stressed these days over finaces, my career choices and my long-term future ... i still seem to find time to note the simple, precious things in life. last week, jack officially learned how to crawl. the only sad thing about this situation (minus the fact that he only crawled to reach an empty box of juicy juice on the floor) is that i, his nanny, witnessed his first crawling. tears of joy flooded my eyes as my little precious figured out how to take his rocking back in forth into a full-fledged motion forward. thanks to modern technology, i recorded the action on my handy-dandy razor phone and sent the flix to his parents busy out in the workforce.
to add to his successes ... this week, jack learned how to sit-up. i left him on his faithful white comforter for just a split second the other morning so that i could go grab something out of the next room. seconds later when i returned, jack was sitting upward, hands flapping in the air -- laughing. he was so proud of himself.
another witnessed first and another strength demonstrated.
yet while jack and i have become incredibly close this week (with him even crying as i leave the room), i have to become slightly bothered by his displays of strengths and my apparent weaknesses. within a few short weeks, my other half and i have made the decision to redirect his career paths -- as he left behind car sales to enter the world of real estate. now faced with two rents on a struggling income, we are faced with whats its really like to live in the real world.
previously, whenever i felt depressed or stressed about life (finances included), i went out and bought a pair of shoes to make me feel better about my windling bank account. yes, i know it makes no sense to spend money when you are worried about having none. yet this specific form of psychology worked with perfection every time. now, with bills up to my ears and the worry that i will never make it to the top of the world, i have exchanged my pairs of shoes for dreams of one day seeing all my hard work paid off.
unfortunately, this time around i have no inspiring anecedotes or reality lessons to explain my rut. nor do i possess wise words of widsom of how to overcome the nearest trial. instead, this time around i am a mere writer expressing what its like to be without.
without shoes.
without credit card free lives.
without strength.
instead, i am a young graduate not packing my bags to head back to school after a summer filled with fun. i am a young woman learning how to survive in this new world -- where the world is unkind, the decisions made are unforgiving and the road is narrow.
perhaps all too often we expect things to be great. we assume everything will work out when we say so. and while i am a firm believer in faith, and i believe that everything happens for a reason -- perhaps we all too often forget that even in our weakness, there is reason.
today, i am weak. i am broken. i am stressed.
yet today, i will continue to move forward. continue to turn my rocking into motion and continue to smile for the little precious angels who need me the most.
for even in my weakness, life goes on.
and i cannot help but anticipate the day when my weakness will explain its reason.
while my life seems to be semi-stressed these days over finaces, my career choices and my long-term future ... i still seem to find time to note the simple, precious things in life. last week, jack officially learned how to crawl. the only sad thing about this situation (minus the fact that he only crawled to reach an empty box of juicy juice on the floor) is that i, his nanny, witnessed his first crawling. tears of joy flooded my eyes as my little precious figured out how to take his rocking back in forth into a full-fledged motion forward. thanks to modern technology, i recorded the action on my handy-dandy razor phone and sent the flix to his parents busy out in the workforce.
to add to his successes ... this week, jack learned how to sit-up. i left him on his faithful white comforter for just a split second the other morning so that i could go grab something out of the next room. seconds later when i returned, jack was sitting upward, hands flapping in the air -- laughing. he was so proud of himself.
another witnessed first and another strength demonstrated.
yet while jack and i have become incredibly close this week (with him even crying as i leave the room), i have to become slightly bothered by his displays of strengths and my apparent weaknesses. within a few short weeks, my other half and i have made the decision to redirect his career paths -- as he left behind car sales to enter the world of real estate. now faced with two rents on a struggling income, we are faced with whats its really like to live in the real world.
previously, whenever i felt depressed or stressed about life (finances included), i went out and bought a pair of shoes to make me feel better about my windling bank account. yes, i know it makes no sense to spend money when you are worried about having none. yet this specific form of psychology worked with perfection every time. now, with bills up to my ears and the worry that i will never make it to the top of the world, i have exchanged my pairs of shoes for dreams of one day seeing all my hard work paid off.
unfortunately, this time around i have no inspiring anecedotes or reality lessons to explain my rut. nor do i possess wise words of widsom of how to overcome the nearest trial. instead, this time around i am a mere writer expressing what its like to be without.
without shoes.
without credit card free lives.
without strength.
instead, i am a young graduate not packing my bags to head back to school after a summer filled with fun. i am a young woman learning how to survive in this new world -- where the world is unkind, the decisions made are unforgiving and the road is narrow.
perhaps all too often we expect things to be great. we assume everything will work out when we say so. and while i am a firm believer in faith, and i believe that everything happens for a reason -- perhaps we all too often forget that even in our weakness, there is reason.
today, i am weak. i am broken. i am stressed.
yet today, i will continue to move forward. continue to turn my rocking into motion and continue to smile for the little precious angels who need me the most.
for even in my weakness, life goes on.
and i cannot help but anticipate the day when my weakness will explain its reason.
Monday, July 31, 2006
baby steps
its been a little over two months since i graduated and left behind the four years that changed my life. yet, in two short months, my life has been changed by two precious children and one enormous leap forward. i remember graduation fondly -- how i stood in the sweat with my closest friends using our caps as fans as we preciously ticked away the minutes til officially saying goodbye. i remember taking the pictures and often find myself still sitting and watching my screen saver that displays them everyday when i walk away from my computer. and most of all, i remember standing in the driveway of my girlfriends house with my four owen girls wrapped around me, tears flowing down.
yet as i drove away from that striking purple door and that city painted in red, i entered a new chapter in a world all-too-familiar with a newfound confidence and a piece of paper seemingly displaying a lack of significance. most presently, i spend my days from sun up to sun down in the company of two-year old carter and six-month old jack. when i first started care providing for these children, jack was a mere four months and did not even know what it meant to smile. he was a fraile child with big eyes and a completely different perspective on life. carter, a little more aged and far more immersed in his world, was a two-year old willing to copy anything and everything, yet stand firm in his belief that he was the only important person that existed in the world.
from mornings of playhouse disney with the doodlebops and the wiggles; from lunches of hot dogs and tater tots; from afternoon naps to evening book reading, carter, jack and i quickly realized we were going to become more than friends. now, two months later -- i have successfully taught carter the lyrics to "no more monkeys jumping on the bed" as well as "ten little indians" and have weaned him off of guzzling a gallon of milk each day to learning to appreciate water. but jack, now jack is even more special to me. in two months, i have seen this young infant begin his first food -- which i quickly discovered he is nor ever will be a fan of green vegetables (and neither are my clothes), he is ready to practice sitting up, and even more desires to crawl. but most dear to my heart -- he smiles when i walk in the room.
six months small, yet in his world -- i am there.
in two short months, jack has taught me one of the most valuable lessons of all times -- to look at eyes through an infant. and to learn how to take baby steps again in life. in every decision. in every moment. everyday.
so often we find ourselves searching for answers in a world covered with self help books, dr. phil spin off shows and more helplines than letters in the alphabet to create. we are conditioned to believe that if we are lives are not filled to the brim than we are wasting our time. we have evolved into a people that says simple is boring, practice takes too long and only the end result matters. jack teaches otherwise.
to jack, nothing matters more than being held, loved and cared for. if he is feed, clean and awake, he is the sweetest baby in the world and could not be happier than sitting on your lap and playing peek-a-boo. he has taught me to slow down; not to rush through life -- through finding a job, gaining a career, getting married, starting a family. jack has so beautifully demonstrated to me the importance of just being in the moment, being loved and being slower than we tend to be.
everyday i practice crawling with jack. i place him in the middle of the room and sit a few scoots behind him. just enough for him to feel close to me, but far enough he cant reach out and grab me. at first, he will just sit there, propped up on all fours and stare at me in complete discontent, wondering why i would have abandoned him so. a few seconds go by, and he will look down, realizing he is no longer laying on his back or his tummy and will begin to rock anxiously back and forth. and with that, he starts to smile and laugh.
so far, he hasnt gotten farther than that -- but to jack -- it is satisfaction in itself. he is proud that he can literally take baby steps to accomplishing a task. and when hes ready, we both know he'll start to crawl.
some days i question my recent choices -- why did i decide to leave my girlfriends to become a makeshift mother in the city that i grew up in? how will this effect me in twenty years? will people look down on me because i have placed my journalistic talents aside my love for children? have i done the right thing? will i fail if i try something else?
and just when i begin to tear up and wonder ... i look down and see jack.
rocking back and forth.
yet as i drove away from that striking purple door and that city painted in red, i entered a new chapter in a world all-too-familiar with a newfound confidence and a piece of paper seemingly displaying a lack of significance. most presently, i spend my days from sun up to sun down in the company of two-year old carter and six-month old jack. when i first started care providing for these children, jack was a mere four months and did not even know what it meant to smile. he was a fraile child with big eyes and a completely different perspective on life. carter, a little more aged and far more immersed in his world, was a two-year old willing to copy anything and everything, yet stand firm in his belief that he was the only important person that existed in the world.
from mornings of playhouse disney with the doodlebops and the wiggles; from lunches of hot dogs and tater tots; from afternoon naps to evening book reading, carter, jack and i quickly realized we were going to become more than friends. now, two months later -- i have successfully taught carter the lyrics to "no more monkeys jumping on the bed" as well as "ten little indians" and have weaned him off of guzzling a gallon of milk each day to learning to appreciate water. but jack, now jack is even more special to me. in two months, i have seen this young infant begin his first food -- which i quickly discovered he is nor ever will be a fan of green vegetables (and neither are my clothes), he is ready to practice sitting up, and even more desires to crawl. but most dear to my heart -- he smiles when i walk in the room.
six months small, yet in his world -- i am there.
in two short months, jack has taught me one of the most valuable lessons of all times -- to look at eyes through an infant. and to learn how to take baby steps again in life. in every decision. in every moment. everyday.
so often we find ourselves searching for answers in a world covered with self help books, dr. phil spin off shows and more helplines than letters in the alphabet to create. we are conditioned to believe that if we are lives are not filled to the brim than we are wasting our time. we have evolved into a people that says simple is boring, practice takes too long and only the end result matters. jack teaches otherwise.
to jack, nothing matters more than being held, loved and cared for. if he is feed, clean and awake, he is the sweetest baby in the world and could not be happier than sitting on your lap and playing peek-a-boo. he has taught me to slow down; not to rush through life -- through finding a job, gaining a career, getting married, starting a family. jack has so beautifully demonstrated to me the importance of just being in the moment, being loved and being slower than we tend to be.
everyday i practice crawling with jack. i place him in the middle of the room and sit a few scoots behind him. just enough for him to feel close to me, but far enough he cant reach out and grab me. at first, he will just sit there, propped up on all fours and stare at me in complete discontent, wondering why i would have abandoned him so. a few seconds go by, and he will look down, realizing he is no longer laying on his back or his tummy and will begin to rock anxiously back and forth. and with that, he starts to smile and laugh.
so far, he hasnt gotten farther than that -- but to jack -- it is satisfaction in itself. he is proud that he can literally take baby steps to accomplishing a task. and when hes ready, we both know he'll start to crawl.
some days i question my recent choices -- why did i decide to leave my girlfriends to become a makeshift mother in the city that i grew up in? how will this effect me in twenty years? will people look down on me because i have placed my journalistic talents aside my love for children? have i done the right thing? will i fail if i try something else?
and just when i begin to tear up and wonder ... i look down and see jack.
rocking back and forth.
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
left behind
ive been trying to formulate a breathtaking blog for quite some time now, but truth is nothing shakespearian has come to mind. a little over a month ago, bored in class like usual i drew a countdown on my calendar toward graduation. opening it yesterday during an exam study session, i saw that i was down to day ten. getting so caught up in redirecting bills, reorganizing boxes, redistributing business and remembering a semesters worth of school work ... i forgot about being in the moment.
in ten days, my life as i know it changes. there will be no more flights of harrelson hall. the preachers in the brickyard soon fade away. my home away from home soon becomes someone elses home. late night visits with friends soon will require logistics and planning. pizza at three am will be denied easy access.
in ten days, my class ring will be flipped. holding up the wolfpack sign will be a memory, yet having a new meaning attached. wearing red no longer entitles me to free food. the student section at games are no longer valid. grades no longer matter. gpas fade into the wind.
in ten days, the next time i appear in the two greatest coliseums in the world will not be to cheer on my team -- but to be recognized as a member of the pack.
i cant explain the feelings attached with graduation, with leaving behind four years of fabulous friends and saying goodbye to the only life you have ever known to begin a new one. as i sit here writing this, i am reminded of writing the senior story for my high school yearbook. without a clue what to write, i pondered the four years at central and walked the entire school through the evolution of a student on their way to becoming an alumni. its funny to think that back then, i thought high school was the end of life as i knew it -- i thought that the change would be something unbearable.
and now, four years later and four years older, that feeling is back stronger than ever.
in ten days, i move on and leave behind seventeen years of education to set up home in a land far away. raleigh becomes the city of the past, the city where i learned who i was and became what i am. children i watched grow up without me being there to watch. friends stay behind to start careers, finish school and continue their evolution.
in ten days, ill acquire a new address. ill gain a roommate. ill be reunited with my family. ill be closer to my relationship. ill become paid for my work. ill become the new face for two precious children. ill reestablish my relationship with my church. ill attend baseball games of lifelong friends. ill buy a new car. ill learn new shortcuts in the city. ill start a new chapter.
but ...
today, ill call a friend for lunch. ill stop by a familiar desk where two friends will be working just to waste time and gossip. ill pour myself a drink after a long day. ill attend a study session in the infamous harrelson hall one last time. ill walk the brickyard and see the spot where gary calls women whores and boys easy access. ill see students wearing red on the way to get pizza on hillsbourough street. ill drive by the house of my freshmen family and smile just knowing they are right down the road. ill kick my shoes off at the door and lay on the couch of my quiet, cozy apartment. ill wait on phonecalls to catch up with friends, family and loves far away. ill stare at the empty boxes in my living room and say 'maybe tomorow.' ill plan the weekend. ill sit on my porch and play with the neighbors and their puppy. ill fight with my mailbox as i desperately try to get mail out. ill drive my faithful paintless explorer around, windows down as if its a brand new range rover. ill sit in winston hall as i conversate with friends, students and teachers. ill purchase a cap and gown. ill sell back boooks and buy something irrelevant with the money. ill procrastinate studying to run errands with a friend. ill walk around cary crossroads just because i can. ill smile when i see the wolfpack sign. ill be worried about grades. ill be frantic over my gpa. ill drive past the rbc center and think of the best games in the world that happen there. ill walk past reynolds and be reminded of the great basketball that occured within its walls. ill put my ring on facing me.
today, ill be in the moment.
in ten days, my life as i know it changes. there will be no more flights of harrelson hall. the preachers in the brickyard soon fade away. my home away from home soon becomes someone elses home. late night visits with friends soon will require logistics and planning. pizza at three am will be denied easy access.
in ten days, my class ring will be flipped. holding up the wolfpack sign will be a memory, yet having a new meaning attached. wearing red no longer entitles me to free food. the student section at games are no longer valid. grades no longer matter. gpas fade into the wind.
in ten days, the next time i appear in the two greatest coliseums in the world will not be to cheer on my team -- but to be recognized as a member of the pack.
i cant explain the feelings attached with graduation, with leaving behind four years of fabulous friends and saying goodbye to the only life you have ever known to begin a new one. as i sit here writing this, i am reminded of writing the senior story for my high school yearbook. without a clue what to write, i pondered the four years at central and walked the entire school through the evolution of a student on their way to becoming an alumni. its funny to think that back then, i thought high school was the end of life as i knew it -- i thought that the change would be something unbearable.
and now, four years later and four years older, that feeling is back stronger than ever.
in ten days, i move on and leave behind seventeen years of education to set up home in a land far away. raleigh becomes the city of the past, the city where i learned who i was and became what i am. children i watched grow up without me being there to watch. friends stay behind to start careers, finish school and continue their evolution.
in ten days, ill acquire a new address. ill gain a roommate. ill be reunited with my family. ill be closer to my relationship. ill become paid for my work. ill become the new face for two precious children. ill reestablish my relationship with my church. ill attend baseball games of lifelong friends. ill buy a new car. ill learn new shortcuts in the city. ill start a new chapter.
but ...
today, ill call a friend for lunch. ill stop by a familiar desk where two friends will be working just to waste time and gossip. ill pour myself a drink after a long day. ill attend a study session in the infamous harrelson hall one last time. ill walk the brickyard and see the spot where gary calls women whores and boys easy access. ill see students wearing red on the way to get pizza on hillsbourough street. ill drive by the house of my freshmen family and smile just knowing they are right down the road. ill kick my shoes off at the door and lay on the couch of my quiet, cozy apartment. ill wait on phonecalls to catch up with friends, family and loves far away. ill stare at the empty boxes in my living room and say 'maybe tomorow.' ill plan the weekend. ill sit on my porch and play with the neighbors and their puppy. ill fight with my mailbox as i desperately try to get mail out. ill drive my faithful paintless explorer around, windows down as if its a brand new range rover. ill sit in winston hall as i conversate with friends, students and teachers. ill purchase a cap and gown. ill sell back boooks and buy something irrelevant with the money. ill procrastinate studying to run errands with a friend. ill walk around cary crossroads just because i can. ill smile when i see the wolfpack sign. ill be worried about grades. ill be frantic over my gpa. ill drive past the rbc center and think of the best games in the world that happen there. ill walk past reynolds and be reminded of the great basketball that occured within its walls. ill put my ring on facing me.
today, ill be in the moment.
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