together, we mourn.

as i sit here with my bible open in front of me, i am suppose to be creating ten weeks of lesson plans for my sunday school class full of seventh grade girls. beside me, a baby monitor echos the sweet sound of the ocean as the little boy sleeps ever-so-quietly upstairs in his crib. and to my right, there is my cell phone and my wallet -- both which haunt me daily for taking away my time, money and energy.

yet, the only sound that matters today -- is the sound of a television. for on this television, and echoing all throughout the nation, is the sound of a virginia tech convocation, only a day after the largest massacre in united states history.

as a high school student, i remember listening to one of my history teachers, mrs. allred, always teling us about the day when something happened. whether it was the memory of a president's assassination, the challenger falling out of the sky or martin luther king, jr. declaring that he had a dream... i remember being envious and ironically sadened that i, myself, did not have something that i could say "i remember where i was when this happened."

then, columbine occured and it shook the way my high school defined safety. as we discussed classroom safety, composed stories of heartache and remembered this tragic day -- i do remember sitting in my english class the day it occured. i remember where i was, what desk i was sitting at and exactly what my teacher looked like.

school saftey was no more.

only three years later, i remember walking in the classroom of mrs. allred's history class to see the television display one of the towers being rumaged by the plane. i vividly remember throwing my bookbag down, and running down the long, straight hallway, yelling at students and teachers alike to get in their classrooms and turn on their tvs. our prinicipal demanded that we turn off our televisions and remain focused on our school work, yet i remember hiding in my teacher's office with the radio telling us about the day the world trade centers fell.

our nation was no longer invicible.

and yesterday, i watched as a madman was released on one of our fellow campuses, only to take the lives of thirty two innocent lives. there is no explanation, no reason, nor any problem too deep that can explain nor justify this action. yet, as i sat there all day yesterday and all today watching this sorrowful and somber community unite after its terrible tragedy, my heart breaks for ever being envious of wanting to be able to say, "i remember where i was when this happened."

now, only twenty two years young, i have seen the safety of our schools, nation and college campuses be challenged and taken away and i am a lost of words to even begin to explain what this must be like for these students. all i know is that while i was at north carolina state university, i loved my school. i felt safe within its walls, within its classrooms, within its air space. i felt that i lived in a bubble and no one could ever do me or anyone around me harm. i was privileged to complete four wonderful years without tragedy, yet even still i feel that i am a part of this one.

every college student, every alumni from any school, and everyone is affected.

my heart mourns for all virginia tech students on this very tragic day. my prayer now is that these students will again be able to rebuild and reform their lives, not focusing on the horror of an incident, but the renewal of a passion for their university, their lives and their community. and my prayer for the rest of us, is that we too, while focusing on this pain and sorrow, will remember not where we were when this incident occured, but to realize that even when we feel our lives are tough and unbearable, we are blessed beyond all measure. may we again, put our lives in perspective.

and may god be with virginia tech.

left behind

ive been trying to formulate a breathtaking blog for quite some time now, but truth is nothing shakespearian has come to mind. a little over a month ago, bored in class like usual i drew a countdown on my calendar toward graduation. opening it yesterday during an exam study session, i saw that i was down to day ten. getting so caught up in redirecting bills, reorganizing boxes, redistributing business and remembering a semesters worth of school work ... i forgot about being in the moment.

in ten days, my life as i know it changes. there will be no more flights of harrelson hall. the preachers in the brickyard soon fade away. my home away from home soon becomes someone elses home. late night visits with friends soon will require logistics and planning. pizza at three am will be denied easy access.

in ten days, my class ring will be flipped. holding up the wolfpack sign will be a memory, yet having a new meaning attached. wearing red no longer entitles me to free food. the student section at games are no longer valid. grades no longer matter. gpas fade into the wind.

in ten days, the next time i appear in the two greatest coliseums in the world will not be to cheer on my team -- but to be recognized as a member of the pack.

i cant explain the feelings attached with graduation, with leaving behind four years of fabulous friends and saying goodbye to the only life you have ever known to begin a new one. as i sit here writing this, i am reminded of writing the senior story for my high school yearbook. without a clue what to write, i pondered the four years at central and walked the entire school through the evolution of a student on their way to becoming an alumni. its funny to think that back then, i thought high school was the end of life as i knew it -- i thought that the change would be something unbearable.

and now, four years later and four years older, that feeling is back stronger than ever.

in ten days, i move on and leave behind seventeen years of education to set up home in a land far away. raleigh becomes the city of the past, the city where i learned who i was and became what i am. children i watched grow up without me being there to watch. friends stay behind to start careers, finish school and continue their evolution.

in ten days, ill acquire a new address. ill gain a roommate. ill be reunited with my family. ill be closer to my relationship. ill become paid for my work. ill become the new face for two precious children. ill reestablish my relationship with my church. ill attend baseball games of lifelong friends. ill buy a new car. ill learn new shortcuts in the city. ill start a new chapter.

but ...

today, ill call a friend for lunch. ill stop by a familiar desk where two friends will be working just to waste time and gossip. ill pour myself a drink after a long day. ill attend a study session in the infamous harrelson hall one last time. ill walk the brickyard and see the spot where gary calls women whores and boys easy access. ill see students wearing red on the way to get pizza on hillsbourough street. ill drive by the house of my freshmen family and smile just knowing they are right down the road. ill kick my shoes off at the door and lay on the couch of my quiet, cozy apartment. ill wait on phonecalls to catch up with friends, family and loves far away. ill stare at the empty boxes in my living room and say 'maybe tomorow.' ill plan the weekend. ill sit on my porch and play with the neighbors and their puppy. ill fight with my mailbox as i desperately try to get mail out. ill drive my faithful paintless explorer around, windows down as if its a brand new range rover. ill sit in winston hall as i conversate with friends, students and teachers. ill purchase a cap and gown. ill sell back boooks and buy something irrelevant with the money. ill procrastinate studying to run errands with a friend. ill walk around cary crossroads just because i can. ill smile when i see the wolfpack sign. ill be worried about grades. ill be frantic over my gpa. ill drive past the rbc center and think of the best games in the world that happen there. ill walk past reynolds and be reminded of the great basketball that occured within its walls. ill put my ring on facing me.

today, ill be in the moment.