gone looking for my deadline

a week ago, i had my first experience with getting laid-off. while sitting at my computer as i usually do, my phone rang a little after 9 o'clock, again leaving me thinking nothing was out of the ordinary. sweet - someone waited to talk to me when it was free, i thought. i looked at the caller id (because i am convinced that a single woman invented caller id) surprisingly to find that one of the mom's i babysit for on a regular basis was calling the night before i was expected to come.

voice mail?
answer?

for the thirty seconds the elevator music chimmed softly through my hands, i let the devil and angel on my shoulders present their closing arguments.

"hello?"
one for the angel.

ten minutes later and highly confused, i sat here dumbfounded wondering how i had just lost the job. mid-semester. hell, end of semester. when a girl needs her shoes! alas, time had come for her to take her bratty children into her own hands, and actually try parenting them for a while. (God, i hope she doesn't read my column.) i can't say, i was incredibly surprised by this explanation, but i did happen to think that after two and a half years of watching them, i sort of knew how to handle them. apparently not anymore.

or maybe, she just needed her shoes too.

for a week now, i have found a new found glory in a relaxed schedule. being a woman of deadlines, i seriously don't know how to function when someone's not standing over my shoulder saying "where's your story? you're ten minutes late! why aren't you done already? where are you? we're on a deadline here, what's wrong with you?"

and these people aren't even my colleagues. but since i was a little girl, i have learned how to work on a deadline - from mom waking me up before the sun rose, i used to hide my head under the covers in sheer protest of waking-up and starting my day. "if she doesn't see me, maybe she'll forget about me and let me sleep more," i used to foolishly think. when that planned failed, my scheming older sister and i came to our senses and played the game smarter than ever. every morning, throughout high school, we had warm handtowels delievered to us compliments of mom. some would call that spoiled, we merely saw it as five more minutes of sleep while she impatiently walked around the house looking for rags and waiting on the water to warm-up.

the dread of a remembering writer, i've side-tracked. point is - the 25 minutes i spend not waking-up, first taught me how to work quickly on a deadline. many mornings do i remember waking-up from that forgetful morning sleep with less than ten minutes to spare, and nine minutes later walking out with the same look as if i had spent an hour.

a deadline professional.

but now, i'm one less deadline, and one less responsiblity. boy, how this has changed my life in just a week. i find myself rearranging dvds (which were already perfectly alphabetized), painting my nails with a new color called wedding belle (because that's exactly what a single gal wants to put on her nails as a daily reminder of her flourishing life) or eating one too many spoonfuls of cookie dough. i've watched every movie imaginable, spent more time indoors and seemingly had less social contact than the groundhog.

when we are immersed in a society that functions on a deadline, how do we function without one?

tonight, as i warmed up my mashed potatoes and carefully watched the tyson chicken patty baking in the oven, i fell into despair. my oversized 'desk' in the center of a the 'dining room' starred back at me as the chairs sat neatly tucked under its tabletop. there was never a need to clear or set the table for dinner. there was never a need to pull out more than one plate, grab more than one fork or pour more than one glass. instead, each night i found myself sitting in the same spot - on the far left corner of the couch, red down blanket on my lap, glass with condensation on the ecuadorian coaster beside me. the only difference every meal was who would be my company - the childhood mornings of saved by the bell and bewitched, the afternoon lunches with the cosby show and boy meets world or the evening conversation with carrie, sam, miranda and charlotte, the six great friends in the great new york city apartments or the crazy ramones of a life all too similar. how, i began to miss so many things.

as i sat there, phone beside me, remote in hand, dinner on my lap - was i looking at my forever?

i thought about calling a friend, getting all dolled-up for the evening and going out, venturing to the mall to admire the new shoes - instead, my heart wanted to crawl into a bar and sip a martini and think about a life all too relaxed. the infamous words of my mom popped into my head as i sat my tv-tray beside me, "why can't you just enjoy sitting around and doing nothing for even a day?"

truth is - like my girls who befriend me every day and every night on six fabulous seasons, sometimes a girl's just gotta run free. maybe, we all weren't built to just lay around.

words from me, now i end with words from carrie -
"maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. maybe they're supposed to run wild until they find someone -- just as wild -- to run with."

excuse me while i go find my deadline.

online communication

so i wasn't going to comment on a matter that pertains to online immaturity, but alas i have lied. it just seems to bother me to no avail that no matter how old we get, some of us forget how to grow up and let go of childish things. whether its sappy away messages - these annoying love professions that personally make me want to come over to your house, unplug your computer, hurl it out the window and watch it shatter in a thousand pieces or the ever-so-aggravating and complaining messages about how horrible your life is against the rest of the world's - blogs, instant messages, computer messages, whatever ... truth is, if you are having to use the internet to express yourself, maybe you should find a better way.

now, journalists like myself with a love for writing simply host blogs and diaries for this very reason - we love to write. we know how to make our readers sympathize, visualize and realize the importance or lack thereof in every column we write. very rarely do we use our podiums as means of pointing fingers, whinning or just flat out being annoying. but at least, if we do - we do it with flair. this past week, i have watched a riot unfold on a free-profile based program i will leave unidentified. i will also admit that sadly enough i am a member of this program, but i now question my very existence in life because of it. regardless, this past week - friends have taken the slightest comments and twisted each and every word, totally deterimenting the essence of a relaxed, online communication world.

people have written off friends faster than they can write off a tax-donation at goodwill.

there is excessive (and unnecessary) name calling, absolutely ridiculous whinning and an enormous lack of maturity on all accounts. and it's days like these that make me realize why i ever started blocking people in the first place - at some point in your life, you are going to have to grow up. no more games, no more blames, no more "he said, she said." at some point or another, when is the world going to grow up online?

so - being the journalist that i am - i am stepping down from my pedestal with a checklist. next time you want to express your love, aggravation, devotion, hatred or sadness - follow these simple, basic rules that should be applied to EVERY medium of internet communication:

1. if you wouldn't call me and say EXACTLY what you type and how you type it - don't waste time typing it. and for heaven's sake - if you are trying to cuss someone out, use a dictionary.

2. if your text involves a sentence of even ONE exclamation point - you better have just won the powerball. let's face it - nothing you can say or do is EVER deserving of twenty exclamation points. EVER.

3. if you love him/her - they should know it. by now, the rest of the world does too - we don't care ANYMORE. take these annoying, love sick text messages OFF your system. before i do.

4. if you want to keep friends, try being one. no one wants to hear someone complain, whine or talk about his/her day, everyday - all day. just stay offline that day if you cant - BE NICE.

5. there's a motto - "if you can't say it to my face, then don't say it at all." saying it online is NOT saying it to anyone's face.

6. just because you are having a bad day doesn't mean you should keep reminding yourself of it - try reverse pyschology on your text - buy a pair of shoes. SOMETHING.

7. don't expect people to leave you messages JUST because you complain, attach a crying face or whine about someone/thing. it's a cheap trick, and people are no longer falling for it.

8. if you love him/her and you are currently with him/her during the time your text says you love him/her - please just come over to my house and SHOOT ME NOW.

9. if you continue to use such sappy or ridiculous annoying texts, please realize you will be BLOCKED. no, not because i am immature, but because you are annoying.

and finally -

10. GROW UP. use mediums of online communication for things that are fun, entertaining and savvy. everyone likes a good laugh, a smile or just something worth reading - and eventually, people are going to stop keeping up with you because you don't make us do any of these things.

happy texting.
and beware, i'm watching.

perhaps

i'm not going to lie - i've been in a rather bad mood these past few days. it happens rarely without reason, but when it comes - it's often hard to rid. i can never pinpoint the cause, but at the same time, i can never redirect the attitude. it seems on these days you can compare me to a pregnant woman (though, no - i am not) because i seem to have mood swings as if i were expecting any day. i cry at the drop of a hat, i laugh at the most akward timing and i seem ill to anyone who usually finds me smiling. and i could sit here tonight and give you a bunch of reasons why i think things are going the way they are - but it would all amount to me stressing out even more than i already have this week.

whether it's school, an internship, work - lack of work, finances - lack of finances, homesicknesses or anything else of suit ... truth is, with enough time and not enough attention - it will most certaintly find a way to get under your skin and get you down. and that's exactly what's happened this week. i've allowed myself to think about everything that is going wrong in my life and wonder where i screwed up along the way.

why did i make a bad grade on that paper?
why can't i just send my resume out after the new year?
where do i want to live in may?
will i make the dean's list?
what internship do i want to do in the spring?
will i have enough money to live comfortably?
will he like me if i make him wait?

i think we could play the questions game all night and day - and we could always make ourselves wonder if we are doing right or stepping wrong. but, does asking questions really get you any farther or closer to success?

are we really afraid we will fail or have we just defined 'success' too specifically?

i cried twice last night - once because i was afraid that i was living my life for everyone but myself.
the second - because i almost took my worries out on someone else.

any other night, i would have hung up the phone with the person i upset and said "whatever - they'll be over it in the morning and so will i." but last night, i grew up a little bit. i decided that my problems weren't problems because i needed them to be, they were problems because i made them be. i called back - cried some more - and fixed the flaw that i let get the best of me.

i don't know why i made a bad grade, when my resume will go out, where i will live, if i'll make the dean's list, where i'll be interning, if i'll have enough money or if he'll like me - but not knowing in that moment i've learned, doesn't make me a failure. and not knowing a week, a month or a year down the road doesn't make me unsuccessful either.

what if the person who said our biggest critic is ourself was right - and what if the best thing we can do in the moment we find ourself destroying everything about ourselves we can think of, is to sit back - take a deep breath and believe that somewhere down the road we'll rediscover the footsteps and start walking the road of success again?

perhaps, somewhere along the way our questions will get answered, or who knows - maybe they'll just disappear into the wind.
perhaps, somewhere along the way we will learn to love the person we've become - flaws in all - failures and imperfections - worries and stresses.
perhaps, somewhere along the way our tears will become our joys and our joys will become our memories.

perhaps.