baby steps

its been a little over two months since i graduated and left behind the four years that changed my life. yet, in two short months, my life has been changed by two precious children and one enormous leap forward. i remember graduation fondly -- how i stood in the sweat with my closest friends using our caps as fans as we preciously ticked away the minutes til officially saying goodbye. i remember taking the pictures and often find myself still sitting and watching my screen saver that displays them everyday when i walk away from my computer. and most of all, i remember standing in the driveway of my girlfriends house with my four owen girls wrapped around me, tears flowing down.

yet as i drove away from that striking purple door and that city painted in red, i entered a new chapter in a world all-too-familiar with a newfound confidence and a piece of paper seemingly displaying a lack of significance. most presently, i spend my days from sun up to sun down in the company of two-year old carter and six-month old jack. when i first started care providing for these children, jack was a mere four months and did not even know what it meant to smile. he was a fraile child with big eyes and a completely different perspective on life. carter, a little more aged and far more immersed in his world, was a two-year old willing to copy anything and everything, yet stand firm in his belief that he was the only important person that existed in the world.

from mornings of playhouse disney with the doodlebops and the wiggles; from lunches of hot dogs and tater tots; from afternoon naps to evening book reading, carter, jack and i quickly realized we were going to become more than friends. now, two months later -- i have successfully taught carter the lyrics to "no more monkeys jumping on the bed" as well as "ten little indians" and have weaned him off of guzzling a gallon of milk each day to learning to appreciate water. but jack, now jack is even more special to me. in two months, i have seen this young infant begin his first food -- which i quickly discovered he is nor ever will be a fan of green vegetables (and neither are my clothes), he is ready to practice sitting up, and even more desires to crawl. but most dear to my heart -- he smiles when i walk in the room.

six months small, yet in his world -- i am there.

in two short months, jack has taught me one of the most valuable lessons of all times -- to look at eyes through an infant. and to learn how to take baby steps again in life. in every decision. in every moment. everyday.

so often we find ourselves searching for answers in a world covered with self help books, dr. phil spin off shows and more helplines than letters in the alphabet to create. we are conditioned to believe that if we are lives are not filled to the brim than we are wasting our time. we have evolved into a people that says simple is boring, practice takes too long and only the end result matters. jack teaches otherwise.

to jack, nothing matters more than being held, loved and cared for. if he is feed, clean and awake, he is the sweetest baby in the world and could not be happier than sitting on your lap and playing peek-a-boo. he has taught me to slow down; not to rush through life -- through finding a job, gaining a career, getting married, starting a family. jack has so beautifully demonstrated to me the importance of just being in the moment, being loved and being slower than we tend to be.

everyday i practice crawling with jack. i place him in the middle of the room and sit a few scoots behind him. just enough for him to feel close to me, but far enough he cant reach out and grab me. at first, he will just sit there, propped up on all fours and stare at me in complete discontent, wondering why i would have abandoned him so. a few seconds go by, and he will look down, realizing he is no longer laying on his back or his tummy and will begin to rock anxiously back and forth. and with that, he starts to smile and laugh.

so far, he hasnt gotten farther than that -- but to jack -- it is satisfaction in itself. he is proud that he can literally take baby steps to accomplishing a task. and when hes ready, we both know he'll start to crawl.

some days i question my recent choices -- why did i decide to leave my girlfriends to become a makeshift mother in the city that i grew up in? how will this effect me in twenty years? will people look down on me because i have placed my journalistic talents aside my love for children? have i done the right thing? will i fail if i try something else?

and just when i begin to tear up and wonder ... i look down and see jack.

rocking back and forth.