thirteen minutes to spare. beautiful blue skies, puffy white clouds linger by while lush green grass creates the landscape. in the center of it all, stands a mini-city . . . a world of harden-hearts, hatred, hostility, hardship. before my eyes, chain link fences seem to stretch like beanstalks toward the sky. at top of them, like curled ribbon - the wires warn the intruders and the insiders of the consequences. large earth-worn cement blocks stack together to form enormous walls, men acting like guard dogs, pace the top.
the car is parked, the carribeaner is taken off the keychain. the radio silences, the purse tucked away under the front seat. placing the keyring on my middle finger and clinching to the rest, my identification card and myself disconnect from the real to enter the dreary.
i circle "female" and sign my name, and as i do i know that i am signing away my right to privacy. once i am in these walls, everything changes. i join the rest of the group, fully observe the toned and untamed woman guiding our way and take a deep breath.
i walk in the first door. the blue sky fades away.
slamming behind me slowly enough to send chills up the spine, the bleak uncleaned tan paint on the cement door slides from left to right locking me in.
welcome to central prison.
with every door that kept me in its constraints, my mind wandered farther in farther down the corridors of its confinement. every wall was painted the same dreadful color, every thing made of metal and cement. there were no smiles covering the faces, no artwork draping the walls, no colors enhancing the lifestyles. just darkness remained.
the sense of control was completely disminshed as elevators were controlled by officers locked in plexiglass boxes with a control panel of buttons. there were no buttons inside the elevators - above, a camera video-taped your every move, a speaker connected you to the control panel and your voice signaled your desire. at any given point, someone whether prisoner or patrol was observing you, watching you, stalking you.
and your sense of comfort became your fear of insecurity.
up hallways, down stairs, through the voice activated cement doors, the female bully of a control officer led us through the labryinth as if we were touring a zoo or a museum. as she pointed out areas, i watched as eyes observed us from all areas - through glass, behind bars, locked in handcuffs. many of my group members looked down out of fear - i looked on with humanity.
an elevator lead us from mediocre temperatures into a small space no larger than an average bathroom. inside, the temperature dropped, the lights were dim and the vibrations seemed to linger as if haunting the space. in the center of the room, a window. as if on display for the entire world to see, an empty gurney, a white curtain behind, cords and indicator lights around.
a window of death.
a chamber significant.
within these cold walls, my heart stopped. this was not a hospital, someone had not died here by accident. someone had died here by fate, controlled by his own actions, enforced as his consequences. within these cold walls, man took man's life.
another hall led to another story, another story led to another emotion. a recreation room filled with ping pong tables, pool tables, weights. alongside every wall, engaged in every activity, men froze and looked upon our pretty, young faces as we interuppted their unpleasant world of white jumpsuits merely to observe their situation. a door in the corner pass the men offered significant hope for blue skies. outside, the men were lingering under the shade, perched on bleachers smoking cigarrettes. no one played shuffleboard. no one played basketball. everyone starred, and the guard dogs of men watched our every move from the tower above. another outdoor area harbored cages - eight by eight cubicles where men with bad behavior fought boredom for eight hours alone. chain link cages that actually locked in men like a pack of hungry wolves. here, the blue skies didn't seem nearly as blue anymore.
down more hallways, through the same creeping doors, color caught my eye from ahead. the color of death was now the color of rage and hate as the cement decor took on a vibrant hue of red. the men captive within these walls, standing within reach to shake their hands, wore the same piercing shade of red. it was a code, a signal. it was death row.
standing in a cell block, glancing down at the small bed, the single pillow, the single locker i couldn't help but wonder why anyone would choose this life. a toliet and sink at arm's length from the bed, locked uncomfortably and unwillingly every night. metal picnic tables formed the "living rooms" - a shower door that barely covered the essentials. a pod. this was life at its finest for the inmates; this was life inside a pod for at least seven years.
for two hours, emotions mixed while my heart sped up and stopped all the same. a tear of compassion, a hint of disapproval. a lifestyle chosen or a lifestyle destined? some full of pain, hatred, disbelief; others still pretending to be the evilest of them all. within these walls there are so many stories, so many tales, so many moments that take your breath away. whether its the creeping doors, the loss of control, the invasion of privacy or the need for humanity - within these walls, you will question your destiny.
will you move toward three hot meals and a bed every day for years and years to come, or will you take a minute to admire the blue skies and the white enormous clouds swaying by?
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Monday, October 03, 2005
the kaleidoscope
help me out on this one kenny. first let me say, the pressure of writing this column is increasing with every entry, and it makes me quite nervous each time i go to write. so, tonight i have eluded to help from kenny g in hopes to ease the pressure.
for the past few weeks, i have been strongly contemplating the notion of decisions. we have talked about relationships, fashions, life-decisions . . . covering every aspect big and small. but no matter how long i spend drilling this subject, it doesn’t seem to resolve it. therefore, i fill the need to continue researching this phenomenon that baffles my mind daily – what is it about the power of a decision that affects a life?
last night, i decided to rediscover once again the idea of a social life – and in doing so, attended a late-night party in gorman crossings. (andre, i dedicate this blog to you for the inspiration that it has allowed). i’ll be honest, i wasn’t sure if i wanted to go – and debated it with my heart and head for quite some time. eleven o’clock – why that’s awful late to begin celebrating i thought. but, i did have on a cute outfit and i thought seeing some old friends would be an enjoyable experience no matter what the clock detailed. so, i picked up my friend and we headed to the party – unsure of what we would find, unwilling to give my mind a second to create an inspirational piece from pj and beer.
when i walked up to the party, my margarita long upon bringing me back to sobriety and with my new kitten heel pumps comfortably breaking themselves in, i fixed my eyes on a diverse crowd mingling outside on the sidewalk. i thought to myself, “if it’s 11:30 and already there are this many people outside this apartment, there is no way there is going to be room inside.”
just the opposite – when i opened the door slowly with expectation to quickly close it and run pretending i had never arrived, i opened my mind to a room bleeding red. a system was fixed in the back of the room, sending vibrations throughout the walls, under the carpet and up my feet to change the rhythm of my heartbeat. peering out behind the walls of red, welcomed a room of dark green – creating confusion for the eyes, yet excitement of what precisely the room held. when i walked through the lava red room into the emerald green room, the glowing blue room to my left distracted my attention. guests standing around coolers of alcohol in this room were glowing - teeth shining, jersey numbers blinding – as the black lit room illuminated the company. as my eyes were forced to adjust to the light, so my mind was forced to adjust to the scenery.
the whole night, i spent my time deciding which room i wanted to be in – did i like the red, the green or the blue? did one room offer a particular setting, did one flatter my appearance better? was one room more popular than others, how did conversation fluctuate throughout the rooms? for three hours or so – i breathed in the kaleidoscope of colors, wondering the mystery behind the light.
our lives are this kaleidoscope. had these rooms been illuminated with bright white light, the setting would have resounded completely different messages – the colors suggested life in the limelight, a club-like atmosphere for a residential-like space. the hosts wanted you to believe you were somewhere you were not, you were experiencing different emotions simply based on the color of the bulb.
the red room represents the unknown. when you walk into this room – whether it be a friendship, relationship, job interview, new school, new class – you experience butterflies in your stomach that are unexplainable. you cannot control your excitement, but at the same time you are faced with insecurities, doubts, fears and the “what-if’s.” you wonder if the red room holds the answers to your deepest questions or if upon entering, you will quickly look for the door in which you entered. you stand in this room and you observe your surroundings, you are new meat to an unfamiliar setting. you are forced to adjust, and eventually you find comfort in the color. perhaps it becomes a color of love, lust, desire; maybe it becomes a room full of emotion as you begin this new relationship and the vibrations you feel under your feet soon sync with your heart’s own beat. – are you ready to start a new relationship?
but, then in the distance – in the back of the room – you notice green light seeping through.
this room represents change. you have grown accustomed to the hues of rose petals, and the thought of leaving its walls doesn’t excite your heart too much – for it has found it’s beat. but, your mind and your eyes cannot look away from the subtle hint of emerald green spilling through, merging red and green walls as one. so maybe against hearts and minds and wills you hesitantly walk through into the green. in this room, the guests are laughing, mingling and seem surer of themselves and their confinement. perhaps, this point could be that – “blah phase” of your friendship/relationship – that mediocre stand still. in this room, you are comfortable with where you stand, but wonder if there is something wrong or could be something better. this room offers change, the possibility of greatness – the fear of destruction. and just like that, someone approaches you, places his/her hand upon your cheek and presents an option. other guests become envious and suddenly the emerald walls suggest jealously and turmoil. you begin to question the decisions you have made thus far in your life and in your unknown path – is this really where i want to be at this very moment?
to the left, you see another color – one of deep blues, creating images of piercing whites. you enter this room. in this phase of your life, you are now looking at the details. you are either happy or ready for change – and this room has you analyzing every piece of information for clarity. in the back of your mind, you think of the days you spent in the red room – when you decided to start something new – and you reflect on the time spent in the green one – where ideas, morals and individual decisions were challenged, and you see these colors all around you. but in this room, the only color that you can focus on is the white that is being highlighted by the power of the blue – which either tells you of the strong or negative details within your new relationship. – are the details what are making your relationship worthwhile, or are they making the relationship worthless?
in life, we spend ample times in each of these rooms – wondering if and when to begin something new, if and when should we make a change and if and when do the details matter? in a relationship, there are always going to be those moments where we are faced with decisions – to begin or to end, to like or to love, to trust or to betray, to be honest or to lead astray. in a relationship, there are always going to be those moments that present a challenge – one of jealously, of difficult relationship talks, of seriousness or friendship. in a relationship, there are always going to be those moments were we are forced to focus on the details – whether big or small – and decide if they matter even at all.
perhaps you are sitting here trying to decide what room you are in or if you have even opened the door. maybe you are trying to find a way to begin a relationship, get out of one or advance one. or just maybe you aren’t sure if you were even invited to the party. no matter where you are in life and in your love life for that matter, there is something to be learned from a house party of colored lights: our lives are kaleidoscopes in that we will never find the moment where our lives all seemed to come together and we set up shop in a room of one color. at some point in your life (and most likely more than once), you will be faced with rooms full of color, relationships of any kind, which you must decide what you are going to do with. you are the only one who can choose to enter these rooms, make these decisions and begin these relationships. but no matter which room you go into, the other colors will seep through – and the door in which you entered, will always be in sight.
may your parties be filled with color, your relationships thriving with excitement . . . and your life with as much thrill as the kaleidoscope has to offer.
for the past few weeks, i have been strongly contemplating the notion of decisions. we have talked about relationships, fashions, life-decisions . . . covering every aspect big and small. but no matter how long i spend drilling this subject, it doesn’t seem to resolve it. therefore, i fill the need to continue researching this phenomenon that baffles my mind daily – what is it about the power of a decision that affects a life?
last night, i decided to rediscover once again the idea of a social life – and in doing so, attended a late-night party in gorman crossings. (andre, i dedicate this blog to you for the inspiration that it has allowed). i’ll be honest, i wasn’t sure if i wanted to go – and debated it with my heart and head for quite some time. eleven o’clock – why that’s awful late to begin celebrating i thought. but, i did have on a cute outfit and i thought seeing some old friends would be an enjoyable experience no matter what the clock detailed. so, i picked up my friend and we headed to the party – unsure of what we would find, unwilling to give my mind a second to create an inspirational piece from pj and beer.
when i walked up to the party, my margarita long upon bringing me back to sobriety and with my new kitten heel pumps comfortably breaking themselves in, i fixed my eyes on a diverse crowd mingling outside on the sidewalk. i thought to myself, “if it’s 11:30 and already there are this many people outside this apartment, there is no way there is going to be room inside.”
just the opposite – when i opened the door slowly with expectation to quickly close it and run pretending i had never arrived, i opened my mind to a room bleeding red. a system was fixed in the back of the room, sending vibrations throughout the walls, under the carpet and up my feet to change the rhythm of my heartbeat. peering out behind the walls of red, welcomed a room of dark green – creating confusion for the eyes, yet excitement of what precisely the room held. when i walked through the lava red room into the emerald green room, the glowing blue room to my left distracted my attention. guests standing around coolers of alcohol in this room were glowing - teeth shining, jersey numbers blinding – as the black lit room illuminated the company. as my eyes were forced to adjust to the light, so my mind was forced to adjust to the scenery.
the whole night, i spent my time deciding which room i wanted to be in – did i like the red, the green or the blue? did one room offer a particular setting, did one flatter my appearance better? was one room more popular than others, how did conversation fluctuate throughout the rooms? for three hours or so – i breathed in the kaleidoscope of colors, wondering the mystery behind the light.
our lives are this kaleidoscope. had these rooms been illuminated with bright white light, the setting would have resounded completely different messages – the colors suggested life in the limelight, a club-like atmosphere for a residential-like space. the hosts wanted you to believe you were somewhere you were not, you were experiencing different emotions simply based on the color of the bulb.
the red room represents the unknown. when you walk into this room – whether it be a friendship, relationship, job interview, new school, new class – you experience butterflies in your stomach that are unexplainable. you cannot control your excitement, but at the same time you are faced with insecurities, doubts, fears and the “what-if’s.” you wonder if the red room holds the answers to your deepest questions or if upon entering, you will quickly look for the door in which you entered. you stand in this room and you observe your surroundings, you are new meat to an unfamiliar setting. you are forced to adjust, and eventually you find comfort in the color. perhaps it becomes a color of love, lust, desire; maybe it becomes a room full of emotion as you begin this new relationship and the vibrations you feel under your feet soon sync with your heart’s own beat. – are you ready to start a new relationship?
but, then in the distance – in the back of the room – you notice green light seeping through.
this room represents change. you have grown accustomed to the hues of rose petals, and the thought of leaving its walls doesn’t excite your heart too much – for it has found it’s beat. but, your mind and your eyes cannot look away from the subtle hint of emerald green spilling through, merging red and green walls as one. so maybe against hearts and minds and wills you hesitantly walk through into the green. in this room, the guests are laughing, mingling and seem surer of themselves and their confinement. perhaps, this point could be that – “blah phase” of your friendship/relationship – that mediocre stand still. in this room, you are comfortable with where you stand, but wonder if there is something wrong or could be something better. this room offers change, the possibility of greatness – the fear of destruction. and just like that, someone approaches you, places his/her hand upon your cheek and presents an option. other guests become envious and suddenly the emerald walls suggest jealously and turmoil. you begin to question the decisions you have made thus far in your life and in your unknown path – is this really where i want to be at this very moment?
to the left, you see another color – one of deep blues, creating images of piercing whites. you enter this room. in this phase of your life, you are now looking at the details. you are either happy or ready for change – and this room has you analyzing every piece of information for clarity. in the back of your mind, you think of the days you spent in the red room – when you decided to start something new – and you reflect on the time spent in the green one – where ideas, morals and individual decisions were challenged, and you see these colors all around you. but in this room, the only color that you can focus on is the white that is being highlighted by the power of the blue – which either tells you of the strong or negative details within your new relationship. – are the details what are making your relationship worthwhile, or are they making the relationship worthless?
in life, we spend ample times in each of these rooms – wondering if and when to begin something new, if and when should we make a change and if and when do the details matter? in a relationship, there are always going to be those moments where we are faced with decisions – to begin or to end, to like or to love, to trust or to betray, to be honest or to lead astray. in a relationship, there are always going to be those moments that present a challenge – one of jealously, of difficult relationship talks, of seriousness or friendship. in a relationship, there are always going to be those moments were we are forced to focus on the details – whether big or small – and decide if they matter even at all.
perhaps you are sitting here trying to decide what room you are in or if you have even opened the door. maybe you are trying to find a way to begin a relationship, get out of one or advance one. or just maybe you aren’t sure if you were even invited to the party. no matter where you are in life and in your love life for that matter, there is something to be learned from a house party of colored lights: our lives are kaleidoscopes in that we will never find the moment where our lives all seemed to come together and we set up shop in a room of one color. at some point in your life (and most likely more than once), you will be faced with rooms full of color, relationships of any kind, which you must decide what you are going to do with. you are the only one who can choose to enter these rooms, make these decisions and begin these relationships. but no matter which room you go into, the other colors will seep through – and the door in which you entered, will always be in sight.
may your parties be filled with color, your relationships thriving with excitement . . . and your life with as much thrill as the kaleidoscope has to offer.
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