the leap

“because that's what people do. they leap and hope to God they can fly. because otherwise- you just drop like a rock, wondering the whole way down... why in the hell did i jump?”

while time has passed since i last recorded, nevertheless has my life seemed anything but ordinary. a celebration of independence instantaneously became a tragic reminder of life’s limitations after a dear family member of mine found life too long and assistance too unattainable. the moments hollywood perfects often create unchangeable imperfections within my reality, and although i can sense the emotion during a suicidal fictional character’s funeral, i cannot begin to term the reality buried in the actuality. of course questions will remain, unintentional blame will never be properly established and that lingering “what if” will always stand in the way. but for some reason my aunt wanted to take a leap... maybe to prove life’s brevity, maybe to shun life’s difficulty.

the weeks thereafter seemed all too blurry, yet full of tragedy. i spent those days listening to young girls cry over rapes and abortions and wrote letters to those who had lost loved ones all the while coping with those who couldn’t hit life’s latest curve ball. it seemed unfair to laugh at a comic line when others stood mourning and wondering; it seemed impossible to explain my smile amongst my tears; it seemed unsympathetic to move on when worlds stood still. that’s when i realized life doesn’t ever wait around on you to become comfortable. and while situations arise that slow us down, there can never be a moment when we aren’t looking for the next thing to take our breath away- that next leap.

some of you may find your inspirations in a book, through uplifting songs and encouraging proverbs but, i tend to believe that inspiration lies in the heart of risks and risks involve leaping. for my aunt, her leap attempted to reunite her broken world; for my friends, their leaps hoped to rediscover life amidst uncertainty. ...and somewhere along the way they all figured out how to fly.

...now i’ll be completely honest in saying that i planned to end my entry here, but seeing that it was completely depressing i fear i must push forward to elude my point. maybe none of us know when we’re going to be faced with another leap or maybe we have no way of knowing the depth below or if rock or sand awaits perchance our wings fail us. either way, we are the only ones who can control whether it's a leap for flight or a fall for destruction.

just today, i was talking life with one of my friends when we came across the inevitable future plans. what began as a lesson in creative writing eventually transformed into questioning career directions. he plans to study medicine because of the promise of stability even though he has a passion for film and critique. he knows he would be amazing at it, yet doubts his ability to be successful in the entertainment world. and in that moment, i was completely envious of the brains to perform something other than what the heart was passionate toward. because personally, i don’t ever remember a specific moment when i woke and said “i want to be a writer.” instead, my brain became a mere check list of things i couldn’t do and writing was what remained. some call it a blessing, i call it a miracle in disguise. i didn’t want to preach to him or to tell him that he was doing things all with the wrong motives because in doing so i would be misdirecting him.

but, i hope he grasps the ability he holds within his hands- to be successful at something he can do or to be passionate about something that would make him a success. and i hope that he eventually realizes the power he too, holds to leap.